Just messing Around With a Romantic Teen-Reader Chap.#2part1

Just messing Around With a Romantic Teen-Reader Chap.#2part1

A Chapter by Jordyn K. Jansa

 

“ Why did you want to pick me up?” Asked Savannah.
                “ Because, I need to talk to you,” Taylor said sliding into an empty parking lot. The green pickup truck slipped into an empty space and stopped with a jolt. “Do you remember when we were 7 years old and we promised to always tell the 100% truth to each other all the time?”
                “ Of course! How could I forget something like that. I haven’t told you a lie since then! I tell the truth in a very creative way.”
                “ Well, I can’t say that,” Taylor began,” I’ve been living 11 years of my life lying to you,”
                “What do you mean? How have you been lying to me?”
                “Savannah, I-,” a loud screeching cut him off. They both turned just as a big truck came soaring into Taylor’s. The truck jerked forward send Savannah flying against her seat. The truck started spinning. Savannah thrashed wildly, because she had taken off her seatbelt when they stopped in the parking lot.
                “Jump out!” screamed Taylor.
                “Are you crazy?” shouted Savannah. “I’m not jumping!” Taylor struggled to look at Savannah in the face. He grabbed onto her arm.
                “If you care about me you would jump,” Savannah looked at him, and she made her decision. Opening her car door she squeezed Taylor’s hand and jumped.
                A second later, Taylor leaped out. Rolling around on the ground, he tried to stop spinning long enough to find Savannah. Finally stopping, he looked up to see Savannah crawling towards him.
                “Are you okay?” he asked weakly. Savannah’s face was covered with long lines of bright red blood. It broke his heart to see her like this.
                “I’m fine. But you aren’t!” she exclaimed. “Your arm! The cuts are so deep!”
                “Don’t worry about me. I want to you to call an ambulance,”
                “My cell phone…” She held up her metallic pink phone. It had a long crack in the screen and the top right side was disconnected from the rest of the phone.
                “Don’t worry, I’ll buy another one for you. Use mine. It’s in my pocket. Let me-,”
                “No. You’ll hurt yourself even more. I’ll get it,”
                “It’s in my front pocket,” he said. Savannah gently pushed him on his side and reached into his pocket. She grabbed his phone and pulled it out letting him slump back.
 



© 2009 Jordyn K. Jansa



Author's Note

Jordyn K. Jansa
This chapter isn't finnished yet, so the next time I post, I'll post part 2.

My Review

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Everything seems so jumbled together and rushed. I'm not sure what is going on. I understand they got into a car accident. However, what side of the car was hit? This paragraph below doesn't tell me anything about the wreck.

“Savannah, I-,” a loud screeching cut him off. They both turned just as a big truck came soaring into Taylor’s. The truck jerked forward send Savannah flying against her seat. The truck started spinning. Savannah thrashed wildly, because she had taken off her seatbelt when they stopped in the parking lot."

Paint a picture for us. As a writer, you can see your characters, the setting, and everything else so vividly. So, you have to show us your characters reactions. When you talk to your friends and family, observe the reactions, body movement they exhibit. Try to explain their movement. Remember, most of our communication is told through body language.

For instance, you have Savannah and Taylor in the car together. Taylor is about to confess his undying love to her. He has to be going through a heap of emotions. Nervous maybe? Guilt from not keeping the promise, probably?

Then, consider Savannah's reaction. She's in the "best friends" stage. She may find his behavior different. His tone to her may even cause her to ask, "What's up with him today?" or "He's acting strange."

Character development is crucial. You know Taylor and Savannah. You can see them in your mind. So, show us who they are and how they look. Is Savannah one of those independent, strong-willed teenage girls? Is Taylor a meek, shy boy lacking all courage? This character development feeds into your descriptions.


Here is an example:

You wrote:

“ Because, I need to talk to you,” Taylor said sliding into an empty parking lot. The green pickup truck slipped into an empty space and stopped with a jolt. “Do you remember when we were 7 years old and we promised to always tell the 100% truth to each other all the time?”

"Of course! How could I forget something like that. I haven’t told you a lie since then! I tell the truth in a very creative way.”

Below is a little more descriptive:

" The green pickup truck slipped into the parking space stopping with a jolt. 'Because, I need to talk to you,' Taylor's serious tone resounded before turning to Savannah. Raising her brow, she was thrown off by his behavior. He was serious. "Do you remember the promise we made when we were younger?' "

"Of course!" Savannah replied allowing her mind to recall the memory. Unbuckling her seat belt, shifting her body, meeting his gaze, she'd wanted to know why he's been acting strange. Maybe he'll tell her. "How could I forget?" she continued brushing her hair behind her ear, "I haven't lied to you since then! I tell the truth in a very creative way."

(Watching her smirk creep across her face, Taylor flushed...)


I don't know anything about these character's features. I used basic descriptions as an example and separated some of the dialogue with it. This is want came to mind as soon as I read over it. ^_^

I'm not a great writer believe me. I struggle with this all the time within my own writing and I'm still learning. Showing vs. telling is the key. I'm guilty of this all the time.

You have an idea for this story, and it seems like it's a good one too. I only did the example as an explanation of what I meant. I hope I didn't offend you or anything.

Just trying to help ^_^

Keep Writing!




Posted 4 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

“ Why did you want to pick me up?” Asked Savannah.

“ Because, I need to talk to you,” Taylor said sliding into an empty parking lot. The green pickup truck slipped into an empty space and stopped with a jolt. “Do you remember when we were 7 years old and we promised to always tell the 100% truth to each other all the time?”

“ Of course! How could I forget something like that. I haven’t told you a lie since then! I tell the truth in a very creative way.”

“ Well, I can’t say that,” Taylor began,” I’ve been living 11 years of my life lying to you,”

“What do you mean? How have you been lying to me?”

“Savannah, I-,” a loud screeching cut him off. They both turned just as a big truck came soaring into Taylor’s. The truck jerked forward send Savannah flying against her seat. The truck started spinning. Savannah thrashed wildly, because she had taken off her seatbelt when they stopped in the parking lot.

keep writing

Posted 5 Months Ago


The storyline is good...but you need to have more clarity....just give it another read...maybe you will have a few ideas how to make it better :)
Keep writing ...you have the potential :) Good luck

Posted 1 Year Ago


It feels a bit cliched, and it feels like you had an idea and just slapped it on paper without giving it the attention it deserved. It reads like someone is trying to explain a book they read in a nutshell. It could use more build up, maybe start it with Taylor at home, being nervous about what he's about to do. Give us time to like the characters before throwing them in a life or death scenario. At the present moment, we have no reason to care about there people. Give us one.

That being said, on a more grammatical level, the writing itself is good. I feel if you wrote more, took more time and slowed down a bit, this would be a good piece. Keep going.

Posted 2 Years Ago


it is really good! i could totally picture in my mind everything that i read! great job! can you do me a favor and read'the silver necklace'? i want to know what others think of it

Posted 3 Years Ago


It needs more details, you started off with a dialogue and sometimes that's okay especially in teen fiction books in our modern age. You have a unique writing style but you should focus on the development of the story more before jumping to the escalating events like what is happening or describing what they were both doing or at a point of view how Taylor or Savanna looks like unless i'm wrong and it all comes into play later. But cheer up this is good, just a little brushing off in the context :) and don't let put downs get you down, or at least critique, after all it shapes to become a better person :) Keep writing! ~

Posted 3 Years Ago


I agree with Amaya, there needs to be more description.
While there is lots of dialogue, and dialogue is good, you should offset it with more description.

The line "because she had taken off her seatbelt in the parking lot" bothers me. This seems like it was added when you read through it and realized that when initially writing it you forgot to mention that. In my opinion, instead I would say somewhere in the first paragraph that as Taylor pulled into the parking stall she unbuckled her seat belt. That way, you can kind of use it as foreshadowing.

Also, I haven't read many romances, but the ones I have read take a while to get to the point. This portion moves so fast, you should draw the scene out more (I guess that goes back to my description thing though.)

Hope this helps! You have a good idea forming though, I can't wait to read more!

Posted 3 Years Ago


Everything seems so jumbled together and rushed. I'm not sure what is going on. I understand they got into a car accident. However, what side of the car was hit? This paragraph below doesn't tell me anything about the wreck.

“Savannah, I-,” a loud screeching cut him off. They both turned just as a big truck came soaring into Taylor’s. The truck jerked forward send Savannah flying against her seat. The truck started spinning. Savannah thrashed wildly, because she had taken off her seatbelt when they stopped in the parking lot."

Paint a picture for us. As a writer, you can see your characters, the setting, and everything else so vividly. So, you have to show us your characters reactions. When you talk to your friends and family, observe the reactions, body movement they exhibit. Try to explain their movement. Remember, most of our communication is told through body language.

For instance, you have Savannah and Taylor in the car together. Taylor is about to confess his undying love to her. He has to be going through a heap of emotions. Nervous maybe? Guilt from not keeping the promise, probably?

Then, consider Savannah's reaction. She's in the "best friends" stage. She may find his behavior different. His tone to her may even cause her to ask, "What's up with him today?" or "He's acting strange."

Character development is crucial. You know Taylor and Savannah. You can see them in your mind. So, show us who they are and how they look. Is Savannah one of those independent, strong-willed teenage girls? Is Taylor a meek, shy boy lacking all courage? This character development feeds into your descriptions.


Here is an example:

You wrote:

“ Because, I need to talk to you,” Taylor said sliding into an empty parking lot. The green pickup truck slipped into an empty space and stopped with a jolt. “Do you remember when we were 7 years old and we promised to always tell the 100% truth to each other all the time?”

"Of course! How could I forget something like that. I haven’t told you a lie since then! I tell the truth in a very creative way.”

Below is a little more descriptive:

" The green pickup truck slipped into the parking space stopping with a jolt. 'Because, I need to talk to you,' Taylor's serious tone resounded before turning to Savannah. Raising her brow, she was thrown off by his behavior. He was serious. "Do you remember the promise we made when we were younger?' "

"Of course!" Savannah replied allowing her mind to recall the memory. Unbuckling her seat belt, shifting her body, meeting his gaze, she'd wanted to know why he's been acting strange. Maybe he'll tell her. "How could I forget?" she continued brushing her hair behind her ear, "I haven't lied to you since then! I tell the truth in a very creative way."

(Watching her smirk creep across her face, Taylor flushed...)


I don't know anything about these character's features. I used basic descriptions as an example and separated some of the dialogue with it. This is want came to mind as soon as I read over it. ^_^

I'm not a great writer believe me. I struggle with this all the time within my own writing and I'm still learning. Showing vs. telling is the key. I'm guilty of this all the time.

You have an idea for this story, and it seems like it's a good one too. I only did the example as an explanation of what I meant. I hope I didn't offend you or anything.

Just trying to help ^_^

Keep Writing!




Posted 4 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

I am probably not in the demographic of people who this would be sold to, but none-the-less I read it anyway (both chapters).

This story would probably be a good story. Right now its hard to tell because it is only pieces, which makes it hard to see the big picture.

There are two things about this chapter that bothered me a bit. The first is that when you introduced the characters, I was confused if it was a guy and a girl, or two girls. Taylor is a name that can go both ways and so it distracted me from your story. That is a simple remedy though. You can do it, by saying ' He slipped his green pick-up into the parking space...." or by switching 'he' and 'Taylor' in one of the first speaking lines. The second thing that bothered me, and this was the biggest one, is the accident. I know it is fiction, but the making of a good fiction novel is weaving enough truth to make it seem real. When the other truck hits Taylor's and they spin, it's kind of unrealistic. Taylor's truck might spin a little bit (like a half turn), but it wouldn't go into a spin that is long enough for them to have a conversation and jump from it. Sorry. My reccomendation is that before the other truck collides with Taylor's, you have them see it coming, and then they jump. Savannah can be frozen, and needs to be spurred by Taylor's words. It would lend a lot more authenticity to it. They can still have injuries as they barely escape, and glass shatters everywhere. You can even add suspense as his (or her) door is jammed. Anyway, that's all that I saw wrong.

Please know that both of those are simple little things that are easy fixes. And trust me, I've had some writing that when I looked at it, I saw things similar to this, and wondered how it got in there. :) So be encouraged, you aren't the only one. The rest of the writing was good. I think that what you have is a good way to start off a book. It hooks the reader into wanting to know what is going to happen. Gets there heart pounding from the start. I also like how you use your dialogue.

All in all, a good job. I hope that you don't take this review as being too harsh. That wasn't my intention. Keeping writing and learning! I look forward to reading more of your work.

Posted 4 Years Ago


i really enjoyed it! kept me interested. i want to keep reading. gonna post more soon?

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on July 10, 2009


Author

Jordyn K. Jansa
Jordyn K. Jansa

New Albany, IN



About
I'm a girl who loves to read as well as write. I love reading romances and horror. I write mostly children's stories, but I am currently working on a teen and young adult romance. I don't want to go t.. more..

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Girl Girl

A Story by Jordyn K. Jansa