Girl

Girl

A Story by Jordyn K. Jansa

     She just sat there, staring straight ahead as if nothing happened. Like she wasn't even sitting there in front of the grave site. Her face was as cold and hard as a stone. Her eyes held an icy gleam to them. Like they were made of ice. Then, one tear rolled down her beautiful cheek leaving a wet line where it touched. The tear dropped onto the cold, wet grass with a soft plop. She opened her mouth then closed it as if she couldn't find words to say. Everyone around her looked at her knowing what a loss she went through.

     Her own mother was lying in front of her. Her lips red and full. Her eyes were closed like she was sleeping. But she knew her mother wasn't sleeping. This si what Cancer does. This is why people are out there trying find a cure. This woman had a life, a daughter, a husband, friends, family. People loved her everywhere she went. She helped people. One thing ruined her life. One thing ruined her daughter's life.

     They lowered her body into the ground, and gave the daughter one flower. A single rose. The girl pulled it up to her nose and breathed in the sweet, floral scent before heading, with her father, back to the car.


© 2009 Jordyn K. Jansa



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This was a sad tale.
Short and to the point, nice.

The sentences that began with the word, "like" I think could be joined with the previous ones. As in, instead of, "She just sat there, staring straight ahead as if nothing happened. Like she wasn't even sitting there in front of the grave site," write, " ... as if nothing happened, like she wasn't even sitting ..."

Also, this sentence irked me a little bit: "Her face was as cold and hard as a stone." I don't know, it seems like a chiche description, an overused description. Perhaps instead you could say, "Her face was devoid of emotion," or "While her face revealed no emotion, her eyes brimmed with tears." Something, anything to show her desire to appear strong on the outside, but at the same time revealing her deep sadness.

And: "She opened her mouth then closed it as if she couldn't find words to say." I think this sentence would be better if you left off, "as if she couldn't find words to say." By simply showing us her actions, we know that she wants to say something, but she can't bring herself to do it. Show, don't tell.

All in all this was a nice little vignette, perhaps you could even expand this into a short story? It has a lot of potential, and I liked it.
~Lauren

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Sad story, but filled with emotion and power. You used alot of description that filled me in on the scene that was happening. It was short, but really nice to read. Great job :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This was a sad tale.
Short and to the point, nice.

The sentences that began with the word, "like" I think could be joined with the previous ones. As in, instead of, "She just sat there, staring straight ahead as if nothing happened. Like she wasn't even sitting there in front of the grave site," write, " ... as if nothing happened, like she wasn't even sitting ..."

Also, this sentence irked me a little bit: "Her face was as cold and hard as a stone." I don't know, it seems like a chiche description, an overused description. Perhaps instead you could say, "Her face was devoid of emotion," or "While her face revealed no emotion, her eyes brimmed with tears." Something, anything to show her desire to appear strong on the outside, but at the same time revealing her deep sadness.

And: "She opened her mouth then closed it as if she couldn't find words to say." I think this sentence would be better if you left off, "as if she couldn't find words to say." By simply showing us her actions, we know that she wants to say something, but she can't bring herself to do it. Show, don't tell.

All in all this was a nice little vignette, perhaps you could even expand this into a short story? It has a lot of potential, and I liked it.
~Lauren

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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Zak
Hm. It's got strength, especially to those who have lost people to the disease. Describes how they feel just after...good write. Did you lose a loved one to cancer?

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is so sad, but it's powerful. A girl losing her mother is a sad concept for a story, but you done very well. Nicely written =)

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on July 13, 2009

Author

Jordyn K. Jansa
Jordyn K. Jansa

New Albany, IN



About
I'm a girl who loves to read as well as write. I love reading romances and horror. I write mostly children's stories, but I am currently working on a teen and young adult romance. I don't want to go t.. more..

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