Sherlock -- A Corrosive AssociationA Screenplay by LastCenturionINT. 221B BAKER STREET/ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT All is quiet. Sherlock is on the sofa, in a simple plain brown dressing gown with his feet up, engaged with John's laptop. The phone rings. Sherlock sighs, annoyed. He waits. Looks around. The phone is all the way across the room. It keeps ringing. Sherlock keeps waiting. SHERLOCK (muttering to himself) Oh, for God's sake John! He looks at the phone, still ringing, angry. SHERLOCK Oh, give it a rest! Sherlock opens up Skype on the laptop and enters the username "Ruggedly Handsome Lestrade". He pauses for a moment of thought. The phone stops ringing. SHERLOCK Ah. You've heeded to my advice. How wise. Beat. It begins to ring again. Sherlock shakes his head in disapproval then returns his attention to the laptop. He types in a password "*****". He is logged in to Lestrade's skype account. He clicks on one of the names to the side - "John Watson". He clicks call. The ringing of the laptop joins with that of the phone. Eventually the call is answered. JOHN (v.o) (on the other end of the line, sleepy, tired) Lestrade? Hello? SHERLOCK No. Sherlock. Wake up. The phone's ringing. Dear God, John, pick it up. JOHN (V.O) Pick it up yourself. And grow up. SHERLOCK I refuse. Why would I grow up? That's like inviting boring into my life. John walks out of his bedroom, really peeved off, still half asleep. He picks up the phone. JOHN Hello? (beat) Murder? Weird one? Sherlock drops the laptop on the sofa and walks to John, snatching the phone off of him. SHERLOCK (into phone) Text me the address. I'll be there as soon as possible. Sherlock hangs up and looks at John. SHERLOCK John, get dressed. We're going out. JOHN You first. SHERLOCK I'm already dressed. JOHN You're not going out there in your night gown. SHERLOCK I am. I have no interest in fashion. This night gown is perfectly acceptable. JOHN But it's freezing outside. SHERLOCK No. 2 degrees above freezing, to be precise. Either way, how cold it is is irrelevant so long as it doesn't exceed the temperature at which it interferes with my brain. EXT. PLAZA - NIGHT Blue lights flash from police cars surrounding a fountain boxed off by yellow tape. The water in the fountain is murky brown. Sherlock, still in his night gown and wearing slippers, arrives on the scene with John. They are greeted by Lestrade. LESTRADE Happy hour of the night. Put a smile on. JOHN It's 2 in the morning. I can barely walk. Smiling is too much effort. SHERLOCK Don't mind John. He's being grumpy. I can't imagine why. John snarls at Sherlock. SHERLOCK So, where's the body? LESTRADE Oh, you'll like this. There isn't one. SHERLOCK So how do you know there's been a murder? LESTRADE A young couple were passing by this here fountain slash wishing pool. Nobody else was here, they thought they might as well nick a few pennies. SHERLOCK I don't waste my time with petty thieves. Especially not at a penny-stealing level. I take pennies from John's wallet all the time. It isn't a crime as far as I'm concerned. LESTRADE The young couple are in hospital. Their arms partially corroded. JOHN Jesus. LESTRADE Don't worry. They got the proper medical attention in just the right amount of time. Damage is mostly to the skin. Not too serious. JOHN So... the water in the fountain burned their hands? LESTRADE Health and safety'll make a huge fuss in the morning. Anyway, there's a reason I called you, Sherlock. The fountain. Deduce away. Sherlock bends over the fountain. He looks carefully at the liquid inside, noting the colouration. SHERLOCK What appears to be some Iron chloride deposits. Sherlock feels the very edge of the fountain. SHERLOCK Water droplets all around here. Can't be from the fountain, it wouldn't reach over here. Also some on the marble paving. Hydrogen gas. LESTRADE What about it? SHERLOCK Given off from the reaction the fountain. Combined with oxygen in the air and condensed into droplets over here. JOHN Hold on, what reaction in the fountain? SHERLOCK Iron Chloride deposits. Lestrade, you said the couple burned their hands, it must have been a strong acid. Taking a guess- the acid in the fountain is highly concentrated hydrochloric acid which has reacted with Iron to produce Iron Chloride and hydrogen gas. LESTRADE Iron? SHERLOCK From hemoglobin. LESTRADE Nemo goblin? What? JOHN Hemoglobin. An iron compound that makes up blood. SHERLOCK Thank you, John. LESTRADE Nice. Well done. Forensics took quite a bit longer than you to work it out. SHERLOCK Let me guess, Anderson? No, improbable. He'd still be working at it. After all, that is the effect of a lack of brain cells. LESTRADE So, we're looking for some remains. Anything that'll get us some more information. JOHN Well, I'm stumped. SHERLOCK As always, I'm not. We don't need remains. LESTRADE We don't? SHERLOCK Because there wasn't a body to begin with. LESTRADE Then this wasn't really a murder? SHERLOCK Exactly. Thank you for accidentally wasting my time. Sherlock is about to leave. LESTRADE Wait! For the benefit of everyone else, explain. I'm not about to close a potential murder investigation because of an amateur. SHERLOCK I'm not an amateur. LESTRADE I know. But Donovan and Anderson and pretty much everyone at Scotland Yard think so. Prove them wrong. SHERLOCK There's not as much Iron in blood as everybody seems to think. Only 2.5 grams. The Iron Chloride deposits suggest the Iron present in the fountain relates to around about a pint of blood. Best guess is it was donated blood. Get your people to tell you whose it was and phone them. If they pick up, they're alive, no murder investigation. If they don't, call me. JOHN Right. So we can go back home now? I can get back to sleep? Sherlock and John walk away. JOHN And if you're wrong- SHERLOCK (interrupting) Don't be expecting a call, John. I'm hardly ever wrong. INT. 221B BAKER STREET/ LIVING ROOM - MORNING The phone rings. Sherlock is on hand this time and picks it up. SHERLOCK (immediately as he answers the phone) I can't be wrong. You've made a mistake. Beat. SHERLOCK (into phone) Ah, so I'm right. Then why have you phoned me? Another beat. SHERLOCK I see. He hangs up as John walks in with a hot cup of tea in his hand. JOHN So you were wrong then? SHERLOCK No. Sherlock takes the tea off of John and takes a sip. JOHN Oi! SHERLOCK Thank you. JOHN That was mine. SHERLOCK Terribly sorry but I had to. You'd have spat it all out otherwise. JOHN I would have? SHERLOCK Yes. Now sit down, John. John lets himself fall onto the sofa. SHERLOCK They've found out whose blood it was. JOHN And? Whose was it? SHERLOCK Yours. JOHN Mine? SHERLOCK You gave blood a few weeks ago. That's where they must have gotten it from. JOHN How do you know I gave blood? SHERLOCK You were boring me with the details of your life one day and said "Hey, I gave some blood today." JOHN Oh. I never thought you cared to listen. SHERLOCK Listen, I did. Cared? Not a single bit. JOHN So why would my blood be in a fountain full of acid in the middle of London? SHERLOCK Well, you've had your bad days, John. Maybe you were drunk. Or maybe it was Sarah inflicting some form of revenge heavy with symbolism. JOHN She broke up with me. SHERLOCK She broke up with you because of you. That's enough to warrant revenge. And I agree with her. JOHN Sherlock, you've got to take this case. SHERLOCK Why would I purposefully bore myself? JOHN Because this is really personal stuff. SHERLOCK I disagree. It was most likely random. You're not being targeted John. valuable people get targeted. JOHN I'm not valuable? SHERLOCK Oh, wake up, John! Just because some people care about you and just because mummy said you were her "special little boy" doesn't make you a big enough fish to be to be any kind of a target. JOHN (passively) Could've been Moriarty. I'm valuable to him 'cause he can use me to get to you, right? Sherlock pauses for thought, hints of a smile emerging on his face. SHERLOCK Phone Lestrade. Tell him I'll take the case. The doorbell rings. SHERLOCK John, would you mind? JOHN Yourself. Y'know, pick up the phone every Once in a while, make your own breakfast- How about you scratch your head yourself Sometime? Now go on. Go open the door. The doorbell rings again. SHERLOCK Never mind. If I wait long enough, Mrs Hudson Will get it. The doorbell rings once more and the sound of the door opening downstairs can be heard. SHERLOCK And there's Mrs. Hudson. What would I do Without her? JOHN I wonder who it is? SHERLOCK Refrain from violating the air with the sound waves Emanating from your mouth and I'll tell you. John sighs in annoyance and turns his attention to a newspaper. Sherlock listens carefully to the footsteps coming up the stairs, to the pressure being applied. He listens carefully to every single creak. SHERLOCK Woman. Mid thirties. High heels. Bad hip, Though that's most likely Mrs. Hudson. Mrs. Hudson walks in followed by a woman in her mid thirties, wearing high heels. MRS. HUDSON Sherlock, this nice lady is here to see you. Mrs. Hudson leaves. The woman, LOUISE AILSMARSH, extends her hand to Sherlock, who turns away and walks to the window, picking up his violin. John shakes her hand instead. AILSMARSH Mr. Holmes, I'm Louise Ailsmarsh. I've come about The- Sherlock starts playing the violin over her. AILSMARSH I've come to- (turns to John) Tell him to stop. JOHN I've been trying for the past 4.5 billion Years. He never listens. Well, he does, But he doesn't- Sherlock stops. SHERLOCK I'm going out. JOHN Still not bothering to change your clothes? SHERLOCK I'll buy something on the way there. JOHN Where exactly are you going? SHERLOCK Somewhere. Ms. Ailsmarsh is definitely begging for Me to leave. JOHN What? Why? Sherlock exits, but then backsteps. SHERLOCK Be careful with hardcore Watsonites, John. He leaves, shutting the door behind him. JOHN Do you know what he meant? Louise leans extremely close to John. AILSMARSH Yes. JOHN AILSMARSH Yes. Every Watsonite's dream. JOHN What's one of those? AILSMARSH Ourselves Watsonites. JOHN I have a fanclub? AILSMARSH Yes. Love your blog. JOHN I have many fans, then? AILSMARCH Ten. But we're very loyal. Two of them Are men. Single. Looking for fun. JOHN I'm not gay. Why does everyone seem to think that? AILSMARSH Well. In that case, I'm single. Looking for fun. JOHN Um… breakfast first. AILSMARSH In bed? JOHN I was thinking Speedy's. Yikes, you move quick. AILSMARSH Why move slow? INT. LESTRADE'S OFFICE - MORNING Sherlock, dressed in a sharp, professional suit and carrying a black leather suitcase, is led in by Donovan. Lestrade is at his desk, feet up, asleep. DONOVAN Freak's here. Lestrade continues to sleep. SHERLOCK I'll wake him. Run along and do paperwork. Donovan leaves. Sherlock walks to Lestrade and slaps him. Lestrade jumps up. LESTRADE Assualting a police officer. SHERLOCK I'm here about the case. LESTRADE What case? SHERLOCK The one with the fountain. LESTRADE Oh, that. Where's John? SHERLOCK He's busy copulating. Or having breakfast. LESTRADE Or both. SHERLOCK John can't multitask. If he could, he'd be a woman. So, sleeping on the job? I didn't think you'd be the type. LESTRADE Well, I'm not technically on duty. My wife kicked me out. This is my home now. I got home at about four last night. She shut the door on me and locked herself in with a burly French postman. SHERLOCK I already know. You smell nice. Perfume. Expensive. Obviously French. You don't wear perfume. You just rely on manly body odour and charm. Probably why your marriage failed. Try being shallow next time. There are letters on your desk sent to your home address but they're here in your office. You said your wife kicked you out at four. These letters are from today and the postman doesn't usually come that early in the morning unless he's very, very eager. Now, if we look back at all of your wife's other affairs we can clearly see that- LESTRADE Let's move on. Let's try not to get distracted here. About the case- ooh, you're wearing an expensive suit. And you've got a leather suit case. That's not you. What's that all about? SHERLOCK It's a disguise. I'm going to go do some disguise-y things later and I'll probably break a few laws. That's why I need you. LESTRADE To help you break the law? SHERLOCK No. To make breaking the law a bit more legal. © 2012 LastCenturionAuthor's Note
|
StatsAuthor
|
Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Read Request
My Library
Subscribe
Flag Writing
