For Reals: Sasquatch

An episode of the supernatural reality show, For Reals

 

UNDER INTRO SCENE

Small clips from the show fly by as well as head shots with names for each of the hosts, Moscow, Lee, and Paige. Moscow is an older black man, Lee a young nerdy Asian and Paige is a young blonde woman.

NARRATOR

The planet earth is filled with mysteries.

There are things we know

And things we don't know

There are things we think we know

And things we don't know we don't know.

Join our intrepid adventurers as they scour the globe

Tracking down strange creatures, mysterious phenomenon and mythical artifacts.

All the time they will try to answer the question...

Is it...

...For Reals?

---------------------------

 

 

NARRATOR

Sasquatch, wildmen, Bigfoot.

Whatever the name, this giant bipedal ape man has captured the imagination of a wide swath of cultures across the world; from modern times all the way back into the mists of antiquity.  Is there a hairy human throwback prowling in the deep dark wildernesses, or does it only reside in our overactive imaginations?  Are they fictitious or are they for reals?

CONFESSIONAL - ONE AT A TIME

MOSS

They ain't no such thing as the Bigfoot.  If they was, they'd be one in the zoo.  Or maybe like in the circus, cause that's where big freaky animals belong.

LEE

There is no doubt in my mind that Sasquatch is totally for reals.  I mean just look at all the evidence... Just look at it!

PAIGE

(To someone outside the room)

I think there's been some kind of mistake.  I was told this was going to be an acting job, not some kind of big, smelly, monkey man hunt...  Is that camera on?

READY ROOM

Moss and Paige sit at the table while Lee stands near a map of the US highlighted in different colors.

LEE

This is a map of the United States showing Sasquatch sightings.  The green represents no sightings; yellow represents few sightings; and red represents Sasquatch hot spots.  Any questions?

Moss raises his hand

 

          Yes Moss?

MOSS

And which color represents they ain't no such thing as Bigfoot?

LEE

Moss we all know that you don't believe in Sasquatch, but we have to scientifically prove it one way or the other

MOSS

I can scientififically prove it.

LEE

How?

MOSS

Here watch this scientifific video I found on the interwebs.

Video pops up and shows Moss in a lab coat, with a stethoscope and glasses

MOSS

(in the video)

They ain't no such thing as the Bigfoot.

Video ends.

LEE

Moscow, that was you in a Lab Coat

MOSS

No it weren't I don't wear glasses.  Anyways that was a doctor, didn't you see the heart listeny thing?

LEE

Paige, a little help here?

Paige stares at him wide eyed.  Cut to Confessional.

PAIGE

How was I supposed to know what my line was?  I hadn't even seen a script yet.

Cut back to Paige wide eyed, Moss and Lee look at each other.  Cut back to Confessional.

MOSS

There's something wrong with that little white girl.  Her eyes are funny.

Cut back to the Ready Room

LEE

Well anyway, luckily for us I found an expert to consult with, let's get going.

Cut to traveling on map

NARRATOR

And so our three adventurers make there way to the Pacific Northwest to the small town of Wooded Hills.  Here they will meet with the proprietor of the local Bigfoot Emporium.

THE BIGFOOT EMPORIUM

BILLY

Howdy folks, my name is Billy Joe Bob Junior the third also known as Billy Bigfoot, how can I help you?

LEE

Hello mister... Err, Junior?

Cut to the Confessional

MOSS

I ain't never in my life.  Billy Joe Bob Junior the Third.  That name makes we want to punch that boy's daddy right in the eye... Right in the eye.

Cut to Bigfoot emporium

BILLY

Oh don't be silly, just call me Billy Bigfoot.  Everyone else does.

 

LEE

Billy Bigfoot, we heard you are a Sasquatch Expert

BILLY

That's me, I know all about the Sasquatch.

LEE

Well, we are trying to prove that Sasquatch exist; is there anything we should know?

MOSS

(under his breath)

Other than there ain't no such thing as Bigfoot...

BILLY

You're in luck! I got everything you folks need and it's all on sale!  Today only! 

LEE

That's great!

BILLY

Kibbles 'n Bigfoots, guaranteed to attract any hungry Sasquatch critters in the area.  Sasquatch scent, it lures them in and puts them in the mood (Nudges Paige) if you know what I mean.  And we even have a Sasquatch costume if you want to go and mingle once you've found'em.

LEE

Is there anything you can tell us about their personality?

BILLY

Bigfoot's a shy creature but what some people don't know is that them critters got a big temper if you tick them off.  Now what'll you be buying?

LEE

Uh, I'll take the Kibbles 'n  Bigfoots I guess.  Paige, you want anything?

Paige does the big eye thing again.  Cut to Confessional.

PAIGE

I still haven't gotten a script, I don't know how they expect me to know my lines.

Cut back to Bigfoot emporium Lee and Moss look at each other

BILLY

You remind me of the deer I shot last week.  Had eyes just like your...

LEE

Uh, she'll take the Sasquatch scent.  Moss

MOSS

I don't need nothing, I got an idea.

BILLY

That'll be $300

LEE AND MOSS

What?!?

Cut to traveling on the Map

NARRATOR

And so having been fleeced by the so-called expert, our three friends make their way to the closest Sasquatch hot spot.

 

 

 

WOODS OUTSIDE DAY

LEE

Ok, so we take our tools and find separate areas and try to document a Sasquatch.  Questions?

MOSS

Yeah, who died and made you king?

LEE

What?

MOSS

Why do you get to say what we do?

LEE

Do you want to take over?

MOSS

No.

LEE

Paige?

Paige does big eye thing.  Cut to confessional.

MOSS

CRAZY EYES!

Cut back to woods

LEE

You know what?  I'm going to go find the Sasquatch, you can do what you want.

Lee grabs the sack of food and a case of equipment and heads off into the woods.  Cut to confessional.

LEE

I don't think Paige is going to last very long on this show.  I don't think I've heard her say two words all day.

Cut back to woods

MOSS

If anyone is going to find a Bigfoot it's me!

Moss heads off in a different direction

Paige looks left and looks right.  Bored she walks around.  She sniffs the Sasquatch Scent and makes a face.  Cut to confessional.

PAIGE

So they left me alone with this stuff that smelled like a wet dog that rolled in poo.  So I decided to take a nap while they did whatever they were going to do.

Cut back to the woods Paige is taking a nap, a Sasquatch comes out of the woods and sniffs the scent, makes the same face that Paige made and runs away.  Cut to Lee sitting behind a table of computers, while he explains what he is doing we see a Sasquatch come out of the wood behind him sniff the Kibbles 'n Bigfoots bag make a face and run off.

LEE

Ok, so I put a big pile of Kibbles 'n Bigfoots out in a clearing and set up cameras to monitor for Sasquatch.  So far I've seen two squirrels and a racoon.  But  I am hopeful!

Cut to another section of Wood

MOSS

(Whispers)

The Bigfoots have a temper huh?  Everybody knows they ain't no such thing as Bigfoot, but if they is then I got a plan.  Watch this

(Shouts)

Bigfoots may have big feets but I hear they got small...

Cut to confessional

MOSS

What do you mean I can't say *Bleep*.  Well what about *Bleep*?  Well just what can I say?

(A small piece of paper is handed to him)

Weewee?!?  What am I, a two year old girl?!?

Cut back to the woods

MOSS

That's right Bigfoots ain't so big in other anototomical areas

(holds up his pinky)

In fact, what I hear is you got to have a magnifying glass just to see their... To see their Weewee.  So Mrs. Bigfoot if you want a good time for once, you just come see old Moscow Jones and I'll show you what you been missing.

(A loud yell slowly gets louder as Moss goes on.)

What in the???

A blur of fur screams and tackles Moss.  Cut to the interrogation room.

MOSS

That Bigfoot tried to kill me!  Tackled me right off my feet.  I was so scared I nearly *Bleep* myself... What?  Now I can't say *Bleep*?!? 

Cut to Black

NARRATOR

And so these three weary travelers with their mixed successes make their way home to discuss their experiences.

READY ROOM

LEE

Here's the video of Moss's attack.

Video Plays

MOSS

You see, that Bigfoot tried to kill me!

LEE

But when we play it in slow motion this is what we  get...

Video Plays in slow motion showing Billy in the suit from the store

Cut to confessional

BILLY

That damn *Beep* was impunin  my mas-cu-linity.  Mrs. Bigfoot is plenty satisfied thank you kindly.

Cut to Ready Room

MOSS

What the heck?  You mean I was attacked by that little *BEEP*?

Cut to confessional

MOSS

You all are just gonna have to give me a list of what I can't say and what I can say instead...

(Paper is handed to him)

What the *beep*?!?

Cut to Ready Room

LEE

In any case, the attack was a fake.  Also, no Sasquatch tried to eat the food I set out.  Did you have any luck with the scent Paige?

Big eyes from Paige.

MOSS

(Whispers to Lee)

You think she's one of those deaf dumbs?

LEE

(to Moss)

I don't know, but it seems we came back from the woods empty handed.

MOSS

So it's like I said, they ain't no such thing as Bigfoot!

LEE

Just a moment, here's a video I found while waiting for a Sasquatch to come.

Shows a small clip from the 'Messing with Sasquatch' jack links commercial

MOSS

But that's a Bigfoot

LEE

Yep.

MOSS

But if they's already videos of them, why were we in the woods?

LEE

I don't know, Moss, but it's time to vote.  Moss?

MOSS

Well I guess Bigfoots are for reals!

LEE

I agree. Bigfoot is for reals.  Paige?

Paige stares.

LEE

Paige you're going to have to say something eventually or you'll get kicked off the show!

PAIGE

Well I would, if someone would give me a script!

MOSS

They ain't no script girl.

PAIGE

What?

LEE

This isn't a scripted show.

PAIGE

This is an improv show?  For reals?

Cut to Black

NARRATOR

So there you have it, three votes.

(Cut to each actor saying for reals with a for reals stamp)

The Sasquatch is For Reals!  Join us next time as we try to find out if the unicorn is - For Reals!

 

Author's Note

This was written to be either filmed with puppets or made into an animation. What do you think?

Reviews

[❀ Gabriela ..]

Hahaha oh gosh. That was funny! Thanks for the great read :D

[Rachelle]

:D Why do we Asians have to be typecast as either nerdy or kungfu gang members? :D