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Heartbreak

Heartbreak

A Poem by LawrenceRaybon
"

A palindrome poem. I took some slight liberties with the formatting to help the story be clear.

"

You, not alone.

Me and you loving one another.

There’s me telling you,

“Please, stop crying.”

 And me kissing you.

Then,

You kissing me and crying.  

"Stop.  Please."

You telling me 

There’s another one loving you.

And me, alone.

Not you.


© 2014 LawrenceRaybon



Author's Note

LawrenceRaybon
What do you think? Is the story easy to understand? How could it be better?

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Featured Review

It's honest. I felt what I needed to feel form this, perhaps its because I also relate.

Not much of a critic, though, I felt naturally in the phrase "You, not alone" I wanted to speak the words as if I was telling her "You, are not alone. You and I love one another." Though, it didn't matter, because I understood it perfectly.

I do wish, rather then jumping right into the midst of the chaos, starting with mystery as if there was something in her heart, a weight, a rock. It was breaking her from the inside, it wasn't clear to you. (Though, I see the previous conversation already without you saying it, I just would of love to wrap myself in the story longer). Simple, is sweet and beautiful. It is what it is, and I love the way you wrote it.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

LawrenceRaybon

4 Years Ago

This was me playing with poetic forms, and within the constraints of a palindrome I couldn't realist.. read more
Samuel Jacob

4 Years Ago

Amen to that. I appreciate the few words as well.



Reviews

It's honest. I felt what I needed to feel form this, perhaps its because I also relate.

Not much of a critic, though, I felt naturally in the phrase "You, not alone" I wanted to speak the words as if I was telling her "You, are not alone. You and I love one another." Though, it didn't matter, because I understood it perfectly.

I do wish, rather then jumping right into the midst of the chaos, starting with mystery as if there was something in her heart, a weight, a rock. It was breaking her from the inside, it wasn't clear to you. (Though, I see the previous conversation already without you saying it, I just would of love to wrap myself in the story longer). Simple, is sweet and beautiful. It is what it is, and I love the way you wrote it.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

LawrenceRaybon

4 Years Ago

This was me playing with poetic forms, and within the constraints of a palindrome I couldn't realist.. read more
Samuel Jacob

4 Years Ago

Amen to that. I appreciate the few words as well.
I understood it fine! Very simple but it get's the message through! I enjoyed it!

Posted 4 Years Ago


Good try! The best way to form palindromes is to create symmetries of two nouns with a verb in the middle.

Tomorrow trumps today.
Today trumps tomorrow.
Girls love dogs.
Dogs love girls. … and so forth,

Posted 4 Years Ago



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222 Views
3 Reviews
Rating
Added on April 20, 2014
Last Updated on April 20, 2014
Tags: heartbreak, love, break up, kissing, crying

Author

LawrenceRaybon
LawrenceRaybon

Jackson, MS



About
Hi! I'm an avid reader who loves to write. I also love helping others who are serious about improving their writing! My critiques are in-depth and honest, no ego stroking and I expect the same wh.. more..

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