Leaves

My attempt at a somewhat authentic Haiku.

An Autumn Forest...

Leaves, gliding gracefully, fall.

Brittle teardrops; loss. 

Author's Note

So, all you Haiku aficionados how did I do? What did I do correctly? Incorrectly? How can I fix it? I'm considering dropping 'loss', is that a good or bad idea?

Reviews

[Rita L. Sev]

This is lovely imagery, important for a haiku. "Loss" feels unnecessary, though I'm not sure what you could use to replace it. You could actually drop it altogether; you'd be a syllable "short" in traditional terms, but the reality is that a haiku can be 17 syllables or fewer.

[Pi]

I love this haiku. You're able to describe an Autumn scene in only 3 lines! Well done :)

[MAC]

You followed the rules perfectly the structure is flawless. The thing with a true Haiku is the content. It must be about nature and you have done that here. Now, where you separate the good writers from potential great ones is whether this is creative to the point of uniqueness. That is difficult to under the guidelines of a Haiku. You have done that here, this is an excellent poem, not just a Haiku but a very well done poem.

P.S. I vote to keep the word "loss". It gives poem a completely different take.

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thank you very much!

[Zahra]

An Autumn Forest...
Nice and makes one jump straight into the imagination of autumn forest. 5 syllables, perfect first line.
Leaves, gliding gracefully, fall.
well except for the syllable problem in this line it continues the visuals from first line beautifully. It's line pressing the play button of a paused scene of autumn forest.
Brittle teardrops; loss.
Again concept carried nicely, and clear in meaning. Loss...hmmm... Yeah i think it would be better to replace or remove. As a haiku, well for some English haiku will never be correct. Lol. Apart from the extra syllable i think it's beautiful

[LawrenceRaybon]

There are seven syllables in the second line, right?
Leaves/ gli/ding/ grace/ful/ly/ fall
read moreThere are seven syllables in the second line, right?
Leaves/ gli/ding/ grace/ful/ly/ fall
That is correct yes?
And why would 'loss' be better replaced or removed? Is it unclear?
Aethereal has been helping me with this, but any input is appreciated!
Thanks for the review!

[Zahra]

I might have done a counting mistake, I though leaves has two syllables. Anyway, i like this haiku anyway, easy for one to travel inside its world. About loss, though it does serve the purpose of conveying the concept of this poem well. . . I don't know got a feeling, at your question, that it won't be a bad idea to replace or remove. But it's good even with the loss.

[LawrenceRaybon]

'Loss' is just something I've been work-shopping in the poem, so to speak. And if you could give me a solid reason why it should be replace or removed I could take the reason into account and find a better fit! Haiku's just seem to be so finicky and I want every word to carry its weight and be absolutely perfect! Thank for the reply!

[Aethereal]

To form a Haiku you should have seven syllables in the second line. May I suggest the following rewrite which you may keep as your own:

Leaves

An Autumn forest ...
leaves glide towards the ground below.
Ocher teardrops merge.

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thanks for the heads up and the suggestion!
I changed the middle line to get the seven syllables.
I really like the image of Brittle Teardrops so I kept my final line the same.

This is actually the way I originally wrote it, but I read that as long as you have less than seventeen syllables total it's okay, and in fact the less "fluff" the better. Apparently the 5-7-5 rule refers to japanese kana, and the syllable thing is kind of for silly Gaijin that don't speak Japanese. Also modern Haiku don't even strictly follow the 5-7-5 kana rule anymore. The research I did was kind of confusing, I guess that's what I get for trying to use a foreign form in my own language :)

Thanks again for the feedback!

[Aethereal]

I was using the common dictionary meaning for a Haiku. The word loss bothers me since it doesn’t seem to fit in with the rest of the sentence. If I was to keep this third line I use the word "shorn" instead of "loss".

"Brittle teardrops shorn."

[LawrenceRaybon]

Ah I see, where the disconnect is.
I didn't so much mean for 'loss' to be in a single direct physical relation with the 'brittle tears' as for it to be a separate but equal concept that is both cause and effect of the 'brittle tears'. The tears fall because of the loss and the loss refers to the falling of the leaves. A cyclical comment to match the cyclical nature of, well, nature. I shall try a semicolon to further differentiate the two concepts.

[Aethereal]

A semicolon does wonders. Now it works! When something is shorn it becomes a loss, but just saying "loss" after a semicolon saves the reader the effort of drawing that conclusion. Also "loss" has a greater emotional impact. Sheep are shorn. Delightful wool; loss.