Father's Fear

Father's Fear

A Poem by LawrenceRaybon
"

A somewhat melancholy poem with which any parent can probably relate.

"
I hold her close
so small 
so soft
so still
asleep

My heart swells
with love
with pride
with pain
i weep

For her, I swear
to guard
to guide
to grow
so deep

But that promise
I try
I fear
I fail
to keep

© 2017 LawrenceRaybon



Author's Note

LawrenceRaybon
I wrote this at one a.m. after rocking my daughter to sleep when she woke up for the third time from a nightmare. Not an excuse, just some info. It came to me while rocking her. What did you think? How can I improve it?

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Featured Review

the ABBBC pattern startled me at first, but I got into the rhythm of it by the end and "I try I fear I fail to keep" flowed great.

typo lower case i for i weep

wasn't sure of the meaning for "so steep"
"still" made me concerned the baby was dead.

Overall great image and rhythm.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

LawrenceRaybon

1 Year Ago

Thank you for the constructive criticism. The 'so steep' was more or less a place holder. It was m.. read more



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Gee
Short enough to keep my interest, am with the previous reviewer regarding steep and think that the last verse, as the child is still a baby, should be you fearing that you will not be able to keep your promise and not that you have already failed ( if that makes sense )

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

LawrenceRaybon

1 Year Ago

Thank you for the constructive criticism!

Yes, I'm going to try to fix the 'to steep'.. read more
the ABBBC pattern startled me at first, but I got into the rhythm of it by the end and "I try I fear I fail to keep" flowed great.

typo lower case i for i weep

wasn't sure of the meaning for "so steep"
"still" made me concerned the baby was dead.

Overall great image and rhythm.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

LawrenceRaybon

1 Year Ago

Thank you for the constructive criticism. The 'so steep' was more or less a place holder. It was m.. read more

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191 Views
2 Reviews
Added on December 2, 2016
Last Updated on June 25, 2017

Author

LawrenceRaybon
LawrenceRaybon

Jackson, MS



About
Hi! I'm an avid reader who loves to write. I also love helping others who are serious about improving their writing! My critiques are in-depth and honest, no ego stroking and I expect the same wh.. more..

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