Post-drunk universe

I woke up as someone else in the middle of the night. My hands were slippery from all the guilt another man left on me, a man that wasn’t you. I wanted to wear your warm coat in my bed because nothing in the closet smells like you anymore and I can’t have your body to keep me from freezing. It frustrates me that a person can be so addictive.
I got drunk again to numb it out. I wanted to laugh and forgive myself for not wanting them in my heart. Beer just made me sick and dizzy. I’m filled to the edge and I just might jump out of myself. It’s hard to tell what’s real sometimes. Did you really touch my knee? Did you really smile while looking in my eyes? I can’t tell, but it felt like coming home. Nothing else mattered at that point. I might be dreaming again. Should I spill salt over my shoulder? Would it bring you to me? If it would work, I’d do it for the rest of my life- every single time you leave. Without you I’m luckless anyway.
These pills will be the death of me. How easy it was not to feel everything at once, not to feel at all. How beautifully painful it is to feel. Demons in my head are drowning in all this pain, but so am I. Funny how that works. I’m trying to figure out which one scares me more. I'm not sure I know how to function without them.
It’s like having a twin brother or sister; you’d probably feel lost if they died, wouldn’t you? I don’t know, I don’t have a real twin. I’m just guessing. There are no other words to describe that connection. I’ve lived with them for too long. How do you live without parts of yourself? How do you mend the wounds that time inflicted and demons slept in? How do you survive alone?

I woke up this morning earlier than usual. My body was aching from alcoholic adventures. I didn’t want to take my pills right away. They calm me down and I needed to hear the storm again. It surrounded me fast enough; clouds rushing out of my nose, my ears, my eyes. Sunrise was fading in the distance. I was becoming the universe and for a moment I felt strong. Then the largeness of the universe started swallowing me; there were no stars, no planets, no nebulas- I was completely alone. But I wasn’t alone at all. They were the darkness and they whispered names of people that left me alone in here, rambling about memories that died with my heart. I could still hear the beat of my heart in the distance and I knew they weren’t telling the truth, but I gave in. I believed my heart was dead. I felt nothing and no one mattered.
I heard my roommate in the kitchen making coffee. I got up and took my pills. Eventually, universe collapsed. My heartbeat was loud. I felt everything and everyone mattered. I needed you again.

Author's Note

wild flow of thoughts

Reviews

[Mark]

When I was young I would have sleeping and waking dreams of a large barrel of fire churning inside me. This work somehow reminded me of that. THank you for sharing yourself.

[Ina Waltz]

Thank YOU for your review :) That sounds like an awful dream to have, though.

[Stanley Wilson]

mmm good piece a lot going on and a lot we can all relate to.

[Ina Waltz]

Thank you. I try to catch the thoughts during their flow so my writing is often mixed up and fast, like my mind is. :)

[Rev. Fr, S. D. Blankens..]

How beautifully painful it is to feel. Demons in my head *that* are drowning in all this pain, but so am I.

~S. D. Blankenship