You Deserve All the Rain

     The air was still around you, like a vignette of silence. You motioned me over. The rain speckled your shirt and mimicked the freckles on your skin underneath. You weren't smiling and I felt a cold chill run down my spine as a gust blew between us. My impatience grew as you took your time - most likely searching for the right words.

     "Spit it out," I uttered at last, half looking down.

     "Alex." My name dropped from your mouth like a stone.

    I flipped my hands over on my sides and wiped the sweat from my palms. Is this what heartbreak felt like? This whole time I had been mentally preparing myself for this moment, but now that it's here, it's a lot more difficult. It's funny how the "butterfly" feelings from excitement are almost indistinguishable from the stomach churning of a heartbreak. That must be the awful truth about love. Its true nature is evil. It buds from obsession and wilts from jealousy.

    You didn't need to say anything, because I already knew what was coming. This is the part where you open your mouth and say something vague like "it isn't you, it's me" or "you're really great, but I think we should see other people." No matter what you say, it'll feel like I've been through it all before, just because I have in my nightmares. This day was inevitable. We both saw it coming. And now, outside in the rain, just as a drama has demonstrated countless times over, I will get my heart broken.

    "I don't feel the same anymore." You said flatly.

    I swallowed hard, unable to answer you.

    You put it in another, much more insensitive way. "I don't think I love you anymore."

     

    The rain seemed louder now. I could barely hear what you were trying to tell me. Something about understanding and space. Something about distance and unreliability. Either way I couldn't pay attention to your words. I was focused on your face, your hair, your body - knowing this very well may be the last time I see any of it. Your eyes were dull and unloving. How cold it suddenly felt here on our -- your -- front lawn. A car drove by and interrupted the silence I hadn't noticed was hanging above us. In that moment I felt unbelievably upset; not for myself, but for you. It must have been hard dealing with someone like me. Who procrastinated every little thing in his life. Who had scarce motivation and lack-luster social skills. Who was controlling and oppressive. And then I felt disappointed in myself for allowing such a person to walk into your life, because you deserve so much more.

    

    You deserve so much more.