My Avatar

My Avatar

A Story by Leon C
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A 500 word challenge. Definition of avatar - An incarnation, embodiment, or manifestation of a person or idea:

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I woke today to find my avatar in my bed with me. It lay there under the duvet waiting for me, contented in the certainty that I would wake. It looks exactly like me, my eyes, my face, the mole on my thigh, the scar on my foot from a childhood misadventure with a broken bottle on a sandy beach; it sounds like me as well, my accent and the unusual pronunciation of ‘repeat’ where I emphasis the first syllable and make my wife laugh. My avatar looks like me in every way but its wretched thing; a thing of hate and desperate days. You see, beneath the facsimile of me it is hollow, a bleak emptiness that saps my strength and consumes my soul .

I slip the avatar on and go about my day.

My avatar fits me like a glove but better, more like a second skin but its limbs are heavy. They make every movement an effort of will, like a deep sea diver’s lead boots holding me down as I trudge across the ocean floor. And though it looks like me the face is sadder, haunted by some memory of an unhappiness nearly forgotten. I use its mouth to talk, the words coming slowly through unfamiliar lips. They leak out contaminated with venom and bile. I look out of its eye sockets to a monochrome world drained of colour and if I concentrate I can see their edge; dark rings that make that encircle my vision the limits to my world. I use its ears but they filter out the good news, the praise, the bird song, the laughter of children. All I hear is criticism, traffic noise and screaming mewing brats. And over it all a voice commentates on my life, a monologue of failures and doubts, each decision dissected and examined, judged and found wanting. A sneering voice, that is my own, pouring poison into my mind.

I eat my breakfast. Spooning down the cereal without relish, every mouthful tasteless pap. My coffee tastes of bitter tears. My wife looks down at me, her sadness matching mine; she has long since learnt to recognise my avatar.
“Have you taken your pills?” She asks her voice patient from years of asking. I haven’t, I think but I need to. My avatar speaks for me.
“I don’t need to. Why should I? I’m okay.” It snaps and another part of my dignity is eaten by my ravenous body double. My wife just smiles and places the yellow and red capsule in front of me. With ill grace I swallow it down and inside my avatar roars its impotent rage, a caged beast whose days are numbered. My avatar stays for several days. Dark hate filled days. That saps my strength and corrodes my soul.

I woke this morning in the golden sunshine of another day. I kiss my wife and she strokes my cheek. I swear undying love and she kisses me and welcomes me home.

© 2015 Leon C


Author's Note

Leon C
For my wife who cares more than I deserve

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Reviews

I found this a very moving piece. The struggle with the depression that accompanies the feeling of not being in control of one's self can be overwhelming. Being able to recognise the
I think you analogy of the avatar being the alter ego was a wonderful description of the dilemma. If this was personal, it was cathartic. If it was fiction, it was inspired

Keep writing - you have the ability and imagination.

Norman

Posted 8 Years Ago


Leon C

8 Years Ago

Based on my our experiences.

Thank you for your kind review
Truly insightful and powerfully moving writing Leon.
I really liked this - "...It snaps and another part of my dignity is eaten by my ravenous body double." - the avatar wreaks havoc with total disregard. Then the 'real' you has to face the music. Im so with you on this. My avatar liked to drink but I havent seen the bas**rd since going temperate. funny that...

Posted 8 Years Ago


AMAZING WORK!!!! KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 8 Years Ago


Wow, this is really well done! There's a lot of emotional depth in this, and it puts things in a very unique perspective.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Leon C

8 Years Ago

Thank you for your kind review. It is very hard to explain to people exactly how I feel but when th.. read more
This is wonderfully written, and I really like the way you've explained it. A really effective way of trying to convey a very complicated, frustrating illness.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Ah..yes..those that love us miss us when we take that trip.
Take those pills when they ask! Lol
But i hear every word darlin..and what a wonderful metaphor for that menacing face we put on..avatar..
Brilliant piece sweet..thanks for the recommend!

Love and wishes of your own damned big grin!! Lol
Calamity of Jen

Posted 8 Years Ago


Wow! That is a deep interpretation of having an "avatar" and it had me thinking what avatar I put on in the morning when I wake up. The way you mentioned how the mind filters things into sometimes negative images was painfully familiar to me because I also suffer with depression.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Wow. That was awesome.

I didn't read the bit about you suffering from depression when I started reading and for the first couple of sentences I was wondering where the story was going. Avatar here is very clever because I was thinking virtual reality but the second part kicks and it's extremely emotional and effective. That is a powerful piece in only 500 words and its excellent.

Posted 8 Years Ago


I really enjoyed this. The subject matter of mental illness is a difficult one to tackle but you did it wonderfully. All the sensations and emotions came through in a raw unnerving way. It was one of the more accurate descriptions I have read in a while.

I really dont have any advice or criticism as I loved it the way it is. I do feel though that the choice of the word avatar rather then mask or costume dates the piece. I mean this couldnt have been written 20 years ago when avatars didnt exsist, so I worry about it being dated in the future. But for the present its accurate and relate-able.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Hi Leon, great stuff. more emotional depth and realism in 500 words than many manage in a whole book

Posted 8 Years Ago



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493 Views
10 Reviews
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Added on September 26, 2015
Last Updated on October 15, 2015
Tags: depression, bi-polar, mental health, breakfast, love

Author

Leon C
Leon C

Southend on Sea, United Kingdom



About
I've been writing on and off all my life but I first took it seriously about 10 years ago. I'd read some awful short stories and felt I could do better. I tried but failed to match them. Before I r.. more..

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