False Struggle, Real Scars

My day to day life that holds me back needs to be properly addressed. Have to get it out.

This constant spiral can not stay contained forever. It'll either explode leaving me with ruins, or implode leaving me dead or worse off. How to cope when you must cope with yourself? For 15 years I was taught that everything I could think about enjoying, doing with life, any reasons I had for anything should not exist. I was taught to be hateful and to have a mental illness that I actually do not have. I am a sane person drowning in a swamp of pure suffering down to my very cells. Pure stress and unfounded personal disgust torment my waking thoughts and loved ones.
"How dare you smile! How dare you enjoy something as stupid as that unpopular color? Do you know how stupid you sound saying food makes you sick? You're not sick so knock it off!"
When the hospital can't operate because you're too sick, as your caregivers poison you back at home with junk food you're allergic to. When your grandma tells you how gross and creepy your grandpa is with little girls as a warning, then laughs and smiles into your eyes as she sends you alone with him to Disneyland. When she makes you be as beautiful and show off as much skin as possible, then leaves you with a pedophile. When you are trash for being a prude. Disgusting for wanting to enjoy a cartoon. When you can't see through burning eyes because your care takers keep you in a light less cave. When you have to polish the granite kitchen every time you use a sink. When you live off diet coke and chocolate cake because if you open any other cabinet you'll be met with shrill screams of "That's not what that food was for! You ruined our meals for the next few weeks! Just because he makes over $2000 a week doesn't mean you have to ruin our dinner plans! Go eat your cookies!".
How can one who dealt with this and not feel like a science experiment that escaped instead of being euthanized? How can I undo this constant feeling of everything I will ever do is just absolute trash? When grandma's response to myself being sexually harassed and molested each night in my home is "That's something between you two together and none of my business."
I hate coping with what has been done to me, and what I am still left dealing with.
Will I ever feel whole? I don't know what that is.

Author's Note

Just daily struggle with my CPTSD.

Reviews

[Ricky]

I'll be honest I didn't know what CPTSD stood for when i started reading this, but your trauma speaks for itself. I'm sorry that you deal with issues like this daily. My advice to the questions you asked are to move forward and rise up above your situation. So high that they can't reach you, and you do that by following your passion. I'm not gonna lie to you and say it'll be easy, you'll probably trip up a few times and have to make some compromises. If you keep going though and drive yourself to your goal the negative issues in your life will slowly fade as they lose your attention. They'll always be there of course, but they'll be the foundation in which you build you life upon

[Musa]

I feel your pain and the descriptive emphasis. That was deep and sad at the same time. I say to you, turn that sad energy to an outburst of strength and peace. You will build yourself.Watch and See. Love Musa💯❤

[Jason Baptiste]

Wow I'am astonished I can share this pain because i was also abused daily and it hasn't stopped I face the same thing as a musician and that's why i'am hear Had to walk off stage You are who you think you are a great place to be to start to manifest to write to sing to grow to triumph to be what you want Great people rises above the ugliness The beauty of the heart is more than face shapes or sizes Thanks for the enlightenment and your beautiful review still on my mind Stay up Great writing

[abualkhair]

Reading your story reminded me of what was close to happen to me. I might not know the exact feeling like you do, but I understand it and it scares me to my bones when I remember that it was so close to me.
I know it a struggle to come back from this, and I know it will take time and a lot of emotional battles to get over it.
But it does in the end, life gets so much better to the point you wake up everyday thinking that you are dreaming.
Grasp to that hope and never stop and it will be over. all that struggle will end..