A Letter I'll Never Send

Dear Mama,

Since the day I was born, you've dubbed me your sunshine. In my 18 years, not a day has gone by where I haven't heard you call me sunshine. Mama, I'm no sun. I don't shine, and I'm not warm. I'm cold to the touch, and I think it's because I'm missing parts of me. There are pockets of empty space inside me where things like compassion and empathy should be. I can love, I can feel, I can cry, but they're stunted. Muted. Why can't I feel what others do? What you do? Why can't I love anyone enough to call them my sunshine? 

You've always been there for me, Mama, even when I told you to go away. Even when I refused your help. I've hurt things between us, I've damaged things, but I always come back to you. 

You were alone when I was born. Sure, your parents and sisters were there, but it's not the same. For five months you were alone. And then you met Dad. Your first date together was taking me on a walk through the park in my stroller. I was the flower girl at your wedding when I was 3. I love him, and I love you. But whenever something bad happens, you always remind me that it's you and me. Against the world. Just the two of us.

Is that true? I don't think I know anymore.

There are things I can never tell you. 

I can't tell you that sometimes I go days without feeling any real emotion. Or that sometimes my heart slows down so much I feel like I may faint. You can never know about my nightmares that bleed into reality. Or how sometimes I panic so strongly, fighting to breathe with black spots dancing in my eyes until I pass out.

Mama, you're my favourite person in this world, but there are things I can never tell you. There are things I can't process, memories I'm still trying find. How can I tell you everything when I don't even remember all of what has happened?

How can I confide in you when this letter alone chokes me?

I feel, but I don't. I feel the wrong things. I know what I'm supposed to feel, and I know how to fake it, but there are emotions I don't experience.

I don't feel compassion, and I'm the farthest thing from empathetic. Rarely do I feel sympathy. I'm guilty of many things, but I've never felt shame or remorse. Is something wrong with me? Am I missing something?

Mama, don't you hear me screaming? Don't you hear me dying every night? I died that night 3 years ago and I don't think you've noticed. Are you at fault for that, or am I too good at lying?

I miss you. I miss being young and honest and open with you. I miss telling you every part of my day, and spending hours on a new drawing for you to put on the fridge. I miss when my problems were solved simply by one of your hugs.

I miss when I knew what to say.

Goodnight, mama.

Reviews

[Iain L. Luen]

Well written. I have fairly neutral emotions, but I still feel and I can empathize. I can't imagine living the way this letter made me feel.

[Abhishek Izy]

Incredibly emotional and well written. The lines below really broke a big chunk off my heart:
"But whenever something bad happens, you always remind me that it's you and me."

Things went dark for seconds before I realized it was just a write and nothing like that has yet happened to people I know. Such was the power of your write.

[Nikolean]

A heartbreaking read. The emotions were raw and wounds left unhealed. There was a feeling of bitterness, of a child to their mother when they wish for the mother to understand, yet the mother does not, no matter how much she thinks she does. I could truly relate to the poem and it broke my heart with the beautiful sorrow it had shown. As a child who has felt this way towards my own mother, I feel as if I can understand the narrator and it was as if the narrator captured a part of myself I constantly keep hidden. I too know the emotions and how to fake them without feeling it.

In terms of technicality, I loved the use of the motif of the sunshine. Each time it was mentioned, it was heartbreaking and I could truly appreciate its integration in the text. It was such a stark contrast towards the rest of the piece and I could just imagine the rays of sun in a room just waning, barely there. It's a light that has gone stale. You truly have a gift to paint emotions and pictures in words and I really appreciated that in this piece. There were really no problems with this piece and I'm very glad to be able to read it.

For the contest. The emotions and theme of the text is definitely something that I'm looking for, however the structure leans more towards prose rather than poetry. Though it can be argued that your piece can be used as spoken-word poetry, the structure is not necessarily something I would be looking for in this contest. However, I am keeping in mind that your piece itself is very well-developed and pulled a little at my heartstrings because of my own experiences.

Beautiful poem, keep on writing!

[Askew]

Again, I have to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I cried as I wrote this, and even now I can barely reread it without tearing up. My mother has been and always will be one of my favourite people, and I know she will always be there for me. But when she doesn't understand the full context of what happened and what's going on, this is the next best thing.
Don't even worry about the contest, I completely understand. I'm more than happy just to have had you read it and be able to relate to it.

[Max Rwizi, Jr.]

"Mama, I'm no sun. I don't shine, and I'm not warm. I'm cold to the touch, and I think it's because I'm missing parts of me" that sentence got to me hey wooo

[7's]

loved you shared somethings you are even not able to write..
you should've let your mother read it... she'll love it (what she always do).
the question is how, or does she even need to read it to know this? that's on you.
our letters, sunshine... this would always be there, everyone knows, themselves, they have it,... heard the song from jerry maguire,..''secret garden''?.
it's what makes this world...what it is.. ah, i love this world..
well thanks for this

[essences]

Oh wow. I'm lost for words. Such raw emotion spilled out onto a page. Thank you.

Eve

[Fox]

Relatable and written masterfully, it brought tears to my eyes. The honesty and purity bled right through and touched my heart. You truly have a gift.

[goldenscar__]

Your essence is pure, but your soul is wounded.
I don't have the right words to express how deep that letter affected me. Thank you for sharing, really.

[Einstein Noodle]

oh my goodness, Lexi! a page from an intimate moment your speaker has journaled ...some of the brutal honesty .. the confessions so to speak cause me to think of the symptoms of a person who experiences a sharp sensitivity to other things not revealed in your "A Letter I'll Never Send" ... hints of an incident that has traumatized your speaker tells me, the reader, that there is more to the story :( an interesting observation that pushes forward all the way through this read ... is that if it were true that no remorse, conscience or empathy were present .. your protagonist would not write such a letter ;) not sure, in the final analysis that it is necessary to send the letter ... to me this points to the value of journaling eh!? perhaps a day will come that "she" can not only send it..but perhaps sit down face to face and continue the healing as it were