What do you see

you fight with the urges every day

you fight with yourself over decisions

inside of your mind

its a black wrecking ball

covered in mud guts and blood

however the life outside

flowers bloom and the sky is blue

things smell nice

and for a moment it might seem

that everythings okay

squeaky clean

but you're the best i've ever seen

crystal clear and a smile so bright

who knew something like this would happen

no one saw it coming

they didn't believe me when i said

what do you see

when he wraps his fingers around the trigger

raised the gun to their head

and pulled it loose

but everything was fine

one night it just happened

no one saw it coming when he snapped

what i saw was nothing

a mystery beyond belief

because some things just can't be explained

Author's Note

what did I see compared to you?

Reviews

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

The title requires a question mark.

Overall overuse of very simple words in this poem such as "but" and "and" and "said".

" mud guts and blood" - This rhyming feels forced.

"that everythings okay" - everything's or everything is not "everythings".

"squeaky clean" - "crystal clear" - Are you trying to go for the most overused simple sayings? They are not graceful nor are they poetic your adjectives need improving to paint a more descriptive image.

"when i said

what do you see" - This should read When I said, "What do you see?"

"when he wraps his fingers around the trigger" - Is this "when" supposed to be a "then"?

"raised the gun to their head" - needs to be "his head" or "her head" or "their heads".

"and pulled it loose
but everything was fine" - This line needs revisin perhaps "Squeezing it loose but... Everything reamined calm. Bullets cold and quiet, unharmed."

I really like the idea behind this piece, can be unclear at times though I got some good imagery but the flow needs some work and so does the vocab in my opinion, hope my suggestions have helped!

[ANTO]

best review i've read in a long time Ally - Kudos !!

[Nadia B.]

I see someone who witnessed a murder, perhaps a detective. In the first stanza the detective agonizes with himself over choices made, in second stanza he is looking outside at the beautiful world, but the third stanza brings him back to reality. A person he deems beautiful has something terrible happen to them, and no one will believe that it happened. The fourth stanza explains the story of what happened and the fifth mirrors the first stanza in that the detective is sitting in denial that such things can happen. How does a person just snap, how do they not 'fight with the urges.' ..Would be interested to hear what you saw whilst writing, thanks for sharing, please continue!

[Shari Robinson]

I was going to write a detailed review of this, but Ally the Cat got there before me and has already said everything I was going say! Overall this is a good piece, but it does need some editing.

[ANTO]

It sounds like the build up and immediate aftermath of a murder suicide with zero warning. People can vent regularly or some can store their problems and blow at the smallest perceived sleight - like that 'Falling Down' movie. However in terms of the question posed in the poem and given that the last stanza contains "What I saw was nothing...", this could be just a riddle type of write, like that poem about Saint Ives.
:)

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
As I was going to St. Ives I met a man with seven wives,
Each wife had seven sacks, each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits: kits, cats, sacks and wives,
How many were going to St. Ives?

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

no one knows what goes inside our minds beneath our smiles and our eyes masking the reality. not many can predict or be there at the right time before someone pulls the trigger or jumps off a bridge. not many can understand either. how can it be, when life is beautiful? how can it be, when he or she used to smile so brightly and was cheery everyday? That was simple yet poignant.

[dan]

LimnoH, I'll look past the errors to comment on the feeling behind the piece, as I see it. I got a sense of desperation in the tone, extremely urgent. It builds throughout but ends abruptly. You can do a lot more with your writing than this. Keep writing. take care...dan

[Jamestown]

Wow this is a tragic piece! Unbelievable unfortunate happening
extremely sad:( I really don't know what else to say,thanks for sharing and b-blessed!