After the Jump, During the Fall

He dreams of her all the time. Even now, a year later, her eyes are the shadows haunting his mind. His secret, his loss and the pain of said lost.

After The Jump, During The Fall

“Drew. Drew, come on man. Wake up.” Darren’s words pierced through my subconscious. Her smiles and faint kisses were now replaced with harsh reality. Her signature scent of peaches was now replaced with the smell of peppermint. Her beautiful hazel eyes were replaced with Darren’s icy blue eyes trying to peek into the darkest corners of my mind. She remained in my dreams while I was brought back to the consciousness with Darren towering over me. With reality came the pain and the loss of everything I worked for as well as the things I didn't have to work for.

“Darren, did this really just happen? This, this is real! I can't- I can't- this is real-” The words kept trembling out of my mouth and I couldn't stop them. I ran my hands through my blonde locks. My mutterings only grew more incomprehensible and as I paced, I couldn't help myself. I was bawling!

“Hey, get your head in the game man,” Darren’s words did nothing to calm me.”Look at me!” He grabbed my face, stopping my frantics, and my frightened green eyes damp with my fears met his icy blue. The dim lighting of the motel room was bright enough for me to see reality, but not enough for me to believe my own eyes. There was this sound penetrating the slight calm. This gasping for air that was desperate and trying to grasp enough air so that it can exhale and inhale and exhale and inhale-

“Stop, stop and relax. You and me are fine. We are fine and you are safe. I won’t let Tara kill you for disrupting her attempt at beauty through extensive sleep.” Darren’s attempt at being funny is comforting, and very slowly I grew somber. The desperate sounds stopped. I grew more aware of my surroundings as my eyes adjusted to my calmness. I could feel the cold sheets on my bed pooled at my hips as I sat upright. Darren was in his basketball shorts and t-shirt, and judging by his messy dark hair, I must have woken him up. Again.

“What the hell are you two idiots doing? You are both too hot to switch teams now-” Tara’s demeanor switched from annoyed teenager to concerned sister in a snap as she saw my face. I was bombarded with fluffy pink material as she pounced on me in a bear hug. “You had another nightmare didn't you. It’s because it’s that day again, isn't it?” Tara’s concerns were smothered as she snuggle under the covers with me still in her grip.

I sighed and cursed the stupid twin telepathy we shared. It’s bad enough she is the girl version of me, but she knows all my thoughts. All except for my deepest secret, what lies in the darkest corner of my soul. “I’m going to get some air, clear my head,” I said while throwing on a jacket.

Darren had remained quiet and lost in thought until then, but as I grabbed the room key and exited the room he slipped through and was tailing me. We walked down the crappy hall of this cheap motel in silence. As I reached the door leading outside, I noticed that there was a slight drizzle. My hand on the door froze, and I just stood there staring out into the early morning’s fog. I don’t know how long I was standing there, but I remember feeling Darren’s hand on my back, pulling me away from the door. Pulling me away from the world and back into the secluded room.

“I know you don’t like this, but maybe you should see someone. Whatever it is you’re not telling me and Tara, I accept that it is your secret to tell. I just want you to be able to go a month without a nightmare. A month where you don’t faze out on me and leave me to deal with your crazy sister. It’s been a year since then, and though you can deny it all you want, we know this has to do with-” I had to stop him before he went somewhere he wasn’t prepared for.

“I know you’re just looking out for me, but you’re not ready for this conversation and I’m not ready to open up about it. I know I should’ve moved on by now, considering it’s been a year since the hurricane, but there is something I’m not ready to let go of yet. Leaving New Orleans behind was just a way for me to cope faster,”I say with a hint of annoyance. Most of this is rehearsed lines in a show in which I am bound to. A musical in which I am the lead yet I read and do the same thing over and over again. Not by choice no, I am merely a puppet with the strings leading to the ventriloquist in the heavens.

“Alright, but know that this,” he gestured to everything around us with his hands,”This is all for you. I left with you because you’re practically a brother to me, and Tara is your sister so she left to annoy you on the road. Basically, we are here for you, and we will continue to always be here for you. On the road, in this crappy motel, or in New Orleans, either way, you’ll always have us,” Darren’s words pricked a part of my heart that survived the hurricane. With one last glance, he left me standing in the ugly, green, hallway smelling of cheese.

They are right, they’re always right, I just never listen. How can I when what they are asking of me is more than what they know. As I stared into the nothing of this empty hall, I shifted towards my left and caught myself in the mirror. My golden hair looked as ragged as it should, seeming as I just got out of bed. My defined jaw and cheekbones were a little askew due to my facial hair growing back. I still had the scar on my forehead that I got when trying to get her attention. Lastly, I looked at my eyes. Those cursed green eyes filled with shadows so deep they imprinted as scars. The same eyes that witnessed the golden beauty that is… was Stacy Deveraux. With eyes brighter than the sun, she made the moon worship her shadow's every caress upon this cursed world. Her smiles and laughter were pure light that kept me from going astray in the dark. I heard creeping in the hall on some level of my brain, but I was to far gone to care.

“Drew, I know what you're darkest secret is. I know what caused the hollowness in your heart, and I thought by keeping the truth from you that I would be keeping some of the weight of pain off your back, but you have a right to know. Stacy-” Tara could talk a good talk, but she has been known to bluff in order to get what she wants. The fact that she would try that on something as serious as this is enraging.

“Don’t say her name,” I whispered. “Do you even know what you are talking about? Really! I knew you could be stubborn in getting what you want, but to use this to get me to open up is pathetic and manipulative. You know nothing about her or what I feel-”

“She was leaving you! She- she was going to leave you and never come back. I didn't want to tell you because I know she was the highlight of your life, but she isn't worth your life.” Tara was full up in my face now with stern green eyes that could rival the best of men. This entire situation would be hilarious if it were really a play. If I were watching this, this would be the part where I laugh my a*s off. But this is not a show, this is my life, and my secrets. I can’t keep it to myself anymore. The truth of what happened needs to be heard whether I like it or not.

I walked right past Tara into our motel room. Darren was lounging on the old looking brown couch on the wall. I could feel Tara hot on my heels. When he got a look at my face, he immediately rose as I sat on the spot next to him.

“I have proof, she gave me a letter,” Tara threw an envelope onto my lap as she stood above me. I didn't even glance at it. Tara and Darren were both standing over me, as if this is the part in the story where judgment is passed over my soul.

“She wasn't leaving me-”

“Drew I have pro-

“Stop Tara,” I whispered. “Stacy wasn't leaving me. On the day that the hurricane caused the flood, I left home early to meet her at the city park. It was like 8:45 when we met. She told me that she was there to say goodbye. She said she was leaving because her parents wanted her to live with her aunt while they got through their “issues”. I tried to convince her to stay, I told her how much I loved her. I even tried to go with her. That’s when Mayor Nagin’s mandatory evacuation went out. The people grew hectic and I lost her as everyone rushed for evacuation. That’s when I met up with you guys back at home.” My throat was hurting as I prepared to tell them the cause of my hollowness. I hung my head unable to stand their eyes. I could feel Darren’s hand on my back, urging me on. I cleared my throat and pushed on.  

“When we were allowed to leave the Superdome on September 2, I was so worried for her. When the National Guard and the supply trucks came by, I rushed to the hospital looking for her. She wasn’t on the list, but I was able to identify her as a Jane Doe. I was all she had at the moment, so they let me-” it’s too much. The words hurt on the way out, but I can’t keep them in because they’re to heavy for me now. I've traveled past no return. I don’t stop the tears from falling, because it is a relief from the stinging that’s in my eyes.

“They led me to her carcass, her lifeless body. I couldn't even look into her eyes. The nurses told me she was caught in the flood, and that her body couldn't sustain itself under the pressure while with child. It was my child.” The words were strained as they come, out but I can’t control them just like I can’t control the tears. “She was going to leave so that she wouldn’t be a burden to me. I’m heading places, she said. I can’t be weighed down by a child, she said. I would have given up football and academics. I would've cared for her. I shouldn't have let her leave!” I did though, I let her leave, I saw her getting lost in the crowd, and I should’ve chased after her- her and my child.

The silence was  agonizingly heavy, yet I feel so much lighter than before. I sat for God knows how long, hollow and bare. I don’t remember when they sat on the couch with me, arms wrapped around me, and I don’t know how I got to bed. What I remember is that a part of my soul self-healed. What I know is that I can move on now... I have to move on now.

"Hi, my name is Drew Phoenix, and I have an appointment with a Dr. Skyx." There is a hint of anticipation in my voice due to my fear of having to open up to someone, but the fear is a good. The receptionist's smile is so fake that I have to look away. I also had to take a step away from the desk entirely due to her perfume trying to drown me.

"Okay- uhhmm. Here you are. The doctor just finished, so you can go down the hall to the left and wait for him there." Her kind words were a pretence of little value to me. With a small thanks, I quickly exited her presence. Waiting in the office of orange walls and red chairs, I lay in what I guessed was my chair since it looked just like in the movies.

I hope Darren and Tara realise that I'm actually trying to move forward now. Maybe then they will stop looking at me like a damaged porcelain doll. Besides, it's what she would have wanted me to do.

"Drew Phoenix, glad you situated yourself," said the doctor with a smile. "I have a feeling you want to get straight into this, but I can already tell you this will take time. When you're ready." He took a seat near my feet.

This was it. Either I do this, or chicken out. Maybe I can put this off by one more day, but then Tara would be really, really mad, and Darren would leave me to deal with her... "The hurricane isn't the problem, and the flood isn't either. I'm not messed up 'cuz of August 28th-"

"Hurricane Katrina, you were in New Orleans-"

"Yes, but it isn't the jump that is the worst part of a cliff, it's the fall not knowing where you'll land. It wasn't that day that ruined me, it was everything after . It was February 2nd-" As I retold my story, it was harder than the last time. I cried and was a mess, but I’m okay with that. I shouldn't and won't run away from the feelings. Besides, it was her who told me that pain is good: it meant I was healing.