I'm Adrift

I can't say anything straight. Or short. I'm annoying like that. :)

I don’t know where to begin.

There is no singular point that is in any grand way defining my existence right now. Except confusion. I am without direction. A rudderless vessel without proper instruments to ferry me on my way with confidence.

So I am listing.

Adrift in this ocean of life, and sometimes the weather turns on me. Other times I feel the warm splash of sunlight bathing my face, and I think just for a few moments, I might see beyond the mist.

Beyond the gray.

There is no lasting, though. It does not stay. Just another dip and roll and I’m spun about again. Loose footing. Even looser are my beliefs in anything remotely resembling concrete.

No, it’s a mixture of sludge and slights.

And I’m tired.

Tired of drifting.

Tired of thinking.

Tired of believing that there is someone out there worth believing in again.

I do not know why this has devastated me so. I don’t miss her at all. But I find myself missing me. I used to throw myself at love with a beautiful violence. I was passionate. I was beaming. I was an undeniable dreamer, but with less idealistic thoughts. Mine were always realistic.

And now, all I find that is realistic is that this isn't working. I’m not working. I’m adrift.

What do you do when your heart isn't even beating in rhythm any longer? The pulse is there. I’m alive. Physically? Healthier than I have been in over two years. My strength is back. The last surgery in December fixed that. I’ve been able to gain weight back. Gain my health back.

And I still couldn't be more incoherent. My words are tangled, lifeless, and without use. I sit here spinning poetry in my head, but I don’t write it. I don’t save it. I don’t know if I believe in it anymore.

My judgement was always my backbone. I used to do everything reliant upon that. Upon being a good man. A good person. A good everything.

And now, even when I am doing it, I still feel this emptiness. As if I were a robust tree finally gaining back its leaves and with bushy branches reaching farther and further until I am pricking the skyline.

Yet I don’t feel the sun’s warmth often enough.

I feel like I am a passenger, and I haven’t got a destination.

Anywhere but here!

Anywhere but this hollowed out husk of a tree that breathes these thoughts to life and gives them credence.

Were I to place my heart in your hands, enclose your fingers around it ever so slowly, and gently look up and directly into your eyes. Would you hear my whisper?

Please be gentle with this, it is the most precious thing I can ever give, and I honor you with it. With the whole of me. Keep this and tend to it. It needs only be held with soft hands and an even grip.

Would you start to squeeze when the inevitable tension comes?

When stress becomes your best of friend?

Will you hold it gently, and honor me as I have you?

Should you ever place your heart in my hands, I will never let go of it, I will never let harm come to it, I shall never dishonor your gift. I will always cherish your treasure.

I will not quit.

Even when the tide is high, and the rogue wave comes and slams me to my knees, I will cradle it, be grateful for it, and never lose sight of who you are.

And how beautiful this is..

My hands are soft.

My fingers wrought.

And I still believe.

I just don’t know in who or in what anymore.

I guess that’s why I’m so very rudderless.

Still adrift.

Author's Note

Feedback, as always, is adored. :)

Reviews

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Poetic and penned with feelings and emotions in turmoil
Can there be hope to change what we can't control in life?
I think we must always cling to hope to be a float to drift on to higher places in the universe.
Keep writing and pouring out your soul in ink.

[Brian]

Josie, as always, you are a beaming bright beacon of better days ahead. What you've done with your life is inspiring. And you've got a great smile.

That always helps. lol!

I think it's that lack of control that can be crippling. What makes love so beautiful, really.

I'll keep writing, if you will? Deal?

Teasing. You're great.

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

It's a deal! Writing keeps me grounded and sane in a crazy world with many evil people.
:)

[Brian]

Sanity? Yes, please! May I have another? lol.

Who are the evil people if I may ask? hugs!

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

All those ones with the negative attitudes attacking others, and mostly my evil ex-husband that keeps messing with me and my life.

[Brian]

Ugh. I cannot imagine why he would want to do that, but then again, so many selfish people seem to thrive on chaos and create it.. regardless of whom it hurts.

If I can ever do anything for you, let me know! Happy to listen.

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

This situation makes my life so difficult daily. It is a big afford to function every morning and get through my day. However, I try to be positive and not be whiner. It is there always in the background like a black shadow following me.

[Brian]

Awww. It's only following you around because you're such a pretty lady. :)

Just kidding. Big hugs, darling. The world is better with you smiling.

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Well, tomorrow I have to go back to court over this crap with my ex and his stupidity. He is evil and I wish he would get his soon. He makes me so sick. I wish he could experience the pain of childbirth, so He would know what I went through 3 times to have my girls. He needs to feel that pain and much more for all of the trouble he has given me. He is a womanizer and the biggest a*****e in this area. He comes from a long line of them. His family is for the most part worthless if they are male because they all take advantage of people and use them. I can't even stand to look at any of them. Makes my skin crawl. Low life people like them should be put on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean together. That way they can use each other, and other people can be free of them.

[Brian]

How have things been going, Josie? Did everything work out okay in court?

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Things lately are Okay. Court ruined my life the most part and that was my enemies intentions. However, I did retain shared custody--a lot of good this has been--but it is something. Repairing my relationship with my daughter will take time. I wish it would be soon, but I fear that it will take quite long. Hateful people with no morals seem to win frequently these days. However, I continue to work on myself and try to enjoy the most pleasant minutes in life and not go to the dark side.

[Brian]

If I can ever offer you anything, Josie, I'm here for you. It saddens me to see you struggle and suffer due to him.. his.. just because of a jerk. I hope your daughter sees you soon.

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Thank you. I miss her so very much every day!

[Brittany Zedalis]

Wow, Brian. I am very impressed with this.

First off, I should say that this song popped in my head as I was reading this piece:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MH9qWemtPo

I know how it feels to think of poetry in your mind and never write it down. I don't write very often anymore, and often I have ideas but I never manage to get them down and they eventually drift away. Only in very special occasions do my words make it onto paper.

Though, I hope you'll hit land soon and write as you want to.

[Brian]

First, I absolutely love the song. Hells yeah, squirrel! Thanks for sharing that with me. I rarely just love a song right away, but this was so perfect. Adore it. Yay!

What has stopped you or given you pause in actually placing your thoughts into wet cement? And allowing it to dry. Harden. Become something more than a concept. Be concrete.

What is it that is keeping your fingers from rapping on the keyboard or encircling a pen?

Your words are lovely, and you are gifted, so what is it that has a noose your such talent to be born to completion?

I hope that you write more often.

I feel like a child on Christmas morn. Eager to unwrap. Eager to read your gifts.

Best wishes, always.

Now to listen again!

[Kelly Scheppers]

Brian, is there someone close you can share this with? You should seek out someone - someone who is capable of helping you deal with what you're feeling.

I wish you well, and hope to continue seeing you post poetry. Take care!


My best,
Kelly

[Brian]

Yeah, I was actually trying to just be poetic. lol. I'm doing well, thanks. :)