Long Overdue

Long Overdue

A Story by Lucy Morningstar ♥
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Another dream story; a journey that needs to be taken to say things they never could. Check the author's note after for an explanation.

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“Why the f**k is it so cold in the middle of November?” I asked myself, wiping snow off the windshield of my beat up Volkswagen Jetta in the parking lot of a gas station in Toronto. It was freezing, even by Canadian standards. Before I had left my house that morning to make the long drive from Ottawa back to my hometown, I had had to bundle up in a waist length parka, a black hat and scarf, and fingerless gloves to make it easier to drive. It was difficult enough to make this drive without the stupid blizzard I had just driven through slowing me down along the way. Thankfully, the weather had cleared over Toronto and it was barely snowing at all here so I could at least fill up on gas without my coat getting soaked from the snow before I continued on to Milton.


It had been a month, a whole f*****g month since everything went down. I couldn’t get home originally and I hadn’t wanted to even if I could have, though some of my profs had offered me a leave from midterms in order to go home and sort everything out. I had tried to convince myself that it wasn’t real and distract myself with studying and essays, I had tried to tell myself that my life wasn’t falling apart and that everything was going to be ok when I woke up, every single day I tried to believe that it wasn’t real, but eventually it all just hit me and I couldn’t keep away any longer. I needed to go home.


I was glad of the fact that my car had an iPod jack in it now; M83 was helping to keep me company during the drive. Their dulcet vocal tones and wacky instrumentals were oddly calming given how strung out I felt; I hated driving alone, I hated driving long distances in inclement weather, I hated driving in general, no matter what I was driving for or who I was driving to. Music certainly helped to keep me calm or to keep me from having an anxiety attack in the car, cause it certainly wouldn’t end well for me or anyone driving around me if I did, especially in this s****y weather. I mean, back in Ottawa, it was like Satan was shitting white confetti all over the place, here it was more like a light sprinkle; I guess it wasn’t so bad after all.


The sky grew lighter and lighter the closer I got to the Escarpment, though snowflakes still fell like dandruff from the sky. I didn’t mind snow like this, I actually enjoyed it when it was like this. Snow is magical that way, when it’s lightly falling and the sky is the perfect color, it looked like a set out of a movie, with perfect lighting and just the right amount of ambiance to make you feel something. As I drove into Milton, all I could think about was how this stupidly beautiful skyline was making me feel, and how I didn’t want to feel like that because it didn’t feel right to be so stupidly happy when really I was so stupidly sad.


“Send your dreams where nobody hides, give your tears to the tide…there is no end, no goodbye, disappear with the night…” My favorite, and coincidentally the most depressing, M83 song blared on the radio as I drove up Ontario Street, and I could feel the tears beginning to well in my eyes. Come on, Lucy, snap out of it! I said as I gave myself a (much too hard) slap to the face, allowing me to re-focus on the road so that I wouldn’t miss the driveway of where I needed to be. It was kind of easy to miss, despite the huge sign that hung above the stone wall that had been there to protect the inhabitants since god-knows-when.


As soon as I opened my door, a gust of wind blew snow into my face, a not altogether unpleasant feeling to experience I suppose. I liked the feeling of the snow kissing my face, it felt almost bittersweet considering who I was going to see. Once I had everything I needed out of the back seat, it wasn’t hard to find the headstone, freshly carved with beautiful lettering indicating who lay six feet beneath the ground in that very spot. I tossed one of the blankets I had brought on the ground, wrapping the other around my shoulders as I sat in front of the headstone of my best friend; carefully, I unscrewed the lid of the thermos I had brought with me, filled with hot chocolate, and poured two cups, placing one by the Loving daughter, fierce friend line on the stone.


“God it’s been a while eh, Summer? Last time we saw each other we were eating fro-yo in the garden, remember? The one by city hall; the flowers were so beautiful then, there were so many of them with so many different colors it felt almost like a Disney movie,” I said, almost cry-laughing. I took a drink of hot chocolate before resting my head on my knees and feeling the tears begin to form.  


“You used to say how much you hated winter, how cold it was and stuff, you know, despite the fact that I clung to you, stealing your warmth while simultaneously giving you my own. I dunno, it’s a random thought I guess. The snow made me think of you, but it feels weird, you know? Not having you be here; I don’t want to think about you this way, don’t want to have to think about you now that you’re gone. I don’t want to think about how I wasn’t there when it all happened and how I don’t get to see you anymore,” My eyes were burning; the wind was picking up and blowing snow behind my glasses, getting caught in my eyelashes as the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I took a few more sips of hot chocolate, just staring at the still full and steaming cup of hot chocolate I had poured for someone that wasn’t there, not really anyway.


“I wish I had been there, I should have…I should have been in that car with you. I mean, wasn’t I supposed to be? I was supposed to come home for thanksgiving, I was supposed to see you that day, our usual routine of seeing a movie and going for dinner, sitting behind the theatre and going to Indigo to look at books and have you chase after me when I tried to buy the ones you wanted for you. I’m going to miss that, I mean, not that I won’t go to Indigo anymore but it doesn’t feel the same. But I should have been there when you died, I should have come home to say goodbye and hold your hand in the hospital, who knows, maybe you would have stayed alive. Maybe if I’d been there and been as slow as usual you wouldn’t have been there when that truck sped down the road, someone else would have been hit. Man, if you were here right now I know you’d tell me that’s not what you want, or what I should want, but I don’t care, I’m selfish, you know that I am, and if I could I would go back and be there with you when it happened, or if I could have gone with you, or give you more time. I...I just don’t want to see a world where Summer doesn’t exist anymore.”


Wind rustled through the trees, creating little snow tornados; I focused on those for a minute or two, drifting away from where I was, but only for a minute. It was so hard to think, my brain still wasn’t processing that Summer was gone, that she had died in a car crash a month ago. Everything felt rather empty, I think; color had begun to recede from the world and the sky, once painted with the brilliant light of the sun was turning greyer than the bodies in the ground below me.


“You know, I always had trouble explaining to people what you meant to me, especially you actually; I could never really get the words out in a coherent way. I have a hard time speaking, I hope you didn’t fault me for that. You always made it hard for me to speak, you and your silly face. That smile, god I swear if my vision wasn’t bad before, after that first smile, I went blind.”


Steam was no longer coming from the cup; I picked it up from where it sat on the ground and poured it into my own. I was freezing, and even though I had brought it for her, she wouldn’t want me being cold, or wasting a good hot chocolate, so if there was any chance of it being warm, I was going to take it. The warmth of the hot chocolate felt wonderful spreading through my freezing cold body, I felt it spreading and moving throughout my chest. I sat in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying my hot chocolate and trying to keep the snow out of my eyes.


“I…I know you can’t hear me, or maybe you can, who knows, I don’t really believe in ghosts but that doesn’t mean you aren’t one, and I’m going to sound horribly clichéd here, but part of you will haunt me forever, the memory part of you. And I’m going to tell you everything now that I wanted to tell you before, but I was too scared to say it before because you’d think I was a freak or never talk to me again or something. I know you loved me, but you would have been weird about it. So I can say it now and not feel guilty, and maybe even laugh a bit at the grin I know you’d obviously have on your face right now, telling me how much of a dumbass I am.” I curled the blanket around myself further than it was, burying my head between my knees now and letting the tears flow like waterfalls, not caring that I’d just spilled hot chocolate all over myself.


“You know, I didn’t love you right away. It took time, I mean, I like the idea that I didn’t know till it already happened, like a really beautiful, inspiring sunset or something. You don’t notice it till it’s already happened because it’s just such a natural thing and it, and no matter how much you try to ignore it, it just happens. And even though it was blocked sometimes by some rainclouds, it was always there, shining on the horizon,” I said, smiling, “God if I could see you now you’d probably be laughing at me for being such a corndog. But you probably look kinda gross right about now so I’m glad you’re not up here with me,” I laughed.


“No matter what, I’m never going to see a sunset like that again. I saw the most perfect, most beautiful sunset in the world, and I’m never going to see another one like it, it was so unique, so colorful and bright. I’m never going to be able to do your light any kind of justice, just like I can’t really describe how perfect that sunset was. I don’t want a world without that sunshine, that bright light that keeps everything alive and beautiful in the world. Anyone else I ever love, anyone would seem like the dark side of the moon compared to your light. And the worst bit is that you’ll never know, not really anyway.”


The snow started falling more heavily now, bringing with it a refreshingly cold breeze to cool my face down, red, hot, and puffy from the crying. I smiled, wanting desperately to believe that it was my sign that she was here with me, the wind a gentle caress from her to assure me that she could hear me, feel my words somehow, “Who knows though, maybe it won’t be like that at all. Maybe they’ll be more like photographs, like postcards with a sunset on them. They capture the image of that perfect moment, that one beautiful sunset that will never be the same again, but they can’t even come close to the original.”


I stood up, grabbing my blankets and shaking off the snow before taking the thermos of hot chocolate and setting it beside her headstone; it was better than flowers, flowers withered and died, we’d never really been flowers kind of girls, even though she’d given me flowers once before. I smiled, bending over to kiss the cold marble of the headstone, “Goodbye, my beautiful Summer.”


© 2014 Lucy Morningstar ♥



Author's Note

Lucy Morningstar ♥
This story may seem like one thing, but I can say that it is not. It's based on a dream and a conversation someone had had with me a while ago, and while some things in it are real, it's a work of fiction. I added A LOT to it to make it more heartfelt/heatbreaking and dramatic.

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this new dream/story/thing.

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Reviews

oh god lucy im crying what have you done! this is so beautiful and sad and heartbreaking. i love it but i hate it and you are a wonderful writer!

Posted 2 Years Ago


Lucy Morningstar ♥

2 Years Ago

thank you so, so, so much, my friend! it means a lot that it made you feel so many things and that y.. read more
beautiful dreamer

2 Years Ago

of course sorry my review was so late! i kind of gave up on writers cafe when i gave up on my writin.. read more
Lucy Morningstar ♥

2 Years Ago

thatd be awesome!
I simultaneously hate and love dreams. And this is why.


Posted 2 Years Ago


Lucy Morningstar ♥

2 Years Ago

I cant tell if thats good or bad lol but thank you for the review ^_^

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Added on November 25, 2014
Last Updated on November 25, 2014
Tags: love, journey, winter, snow, travelling, destination, unspoken things

Author

Lucy Morningstar ♥
Lucy Morningstar ♥

Ontario, Canada



About
Im not quite sure what to write here, so I'll just go basic, organized, and boring. Though I assure you I'm not boring lol. Name: Now that I'll Never tell ;) Age: 21 Eye Colour: Deep Blue Hair .. more..

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