embracing the emotion

remembering mom

photo by jennie marie schell

courtesy of fineartamerica.com

sometimes i think i hear it

for just a moment

the IV pump beeping rhythmically

through middle-of-the-night angst

and in that moment i remember

the stale air

            the semi darkness

the roller coaster ride

of illness-convalescence-new illness

and the indifference

masquerading as compassion

from the “professionals”

the ones who told me i was a good daughter

                        but i had to let go

what did they know?

my world turned inside out

and then upside down for you

you held on and so did i

we ticked off days one by one

you occasionally giving me the gift of a smile

or a memory only we shared

            now that daddy was gone

the weeks sometimes had 10 days

each one holding what seemed like more than 24 hours

centimeter by centimeter i measured my steps

down the hallway to your apartment

never sure what i would find

never sure i could handle it                

but i did

because i am your daughter

strength is in my DNA

i carried you as you had carried me

your green eyes sparkled with pride

tonight’s the last night of chanukah

my third without you

the candles will be lit

and i’ll say the prayer you taught me

yes, i will handle it

treading softly on memories

embracing the emotion

i miss you

 

Author's Note

very emotional this time of year...the photo accompanying this poem is of tulips because my family is from the netherlands. they were mom's favorite flower.

Reviews

[Ma'at]

i love the worth choice and power shown throughout this piece. it is so sad, that is inevitable, and i loved how you never slowed on the emotion and power and you just kept going no matter how painful this must have been for you to write. writing emotional pieces is very easy to do in such a tough time. i admire your work and how you write very much.

[Lydia Shutter]

Thank you so much for reviewing an older poem of mine. I appreciate it. Lydi**

[Pryde Foltz]

You made me cry, Lydi**. Believe it or not, poetry rarely does this. I could go on and tell why you were able to do this but all I will say is thank you for sharing this with us.

[Lydia Shutter]

And thank you, Pryde. During the five years I took care of my mom, poetry was all that kept me going. It was my escape and my daily journal. Without it, I would have withered away. I am sorry I made you cry, but pleased my words found their way into your heart. Your review means a lot to me. Lydi**

[Pryde Foltz]

They were cathartic tears.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I read your poem; and afterwards, I had to actually sit in silence before writing the review. There really are no words for a poem like this. It was wept from the heart of a daughter, and there can never be anything more beautiful than that. It sounds like she gave you a beautiful life, a beautiful relationship with her, and memories (good and bad) to bond the two of you together forever. I can only smile in joy for you, that you were so divinely blessed. While I am sorry that she is no longer physically present, I know that she is ever with you, in your DNA, in your heart, and all around you. May God bless you with the warmest of memories to comfort you during those times of the year when you miss her the most.

[Lydia Shutter]

Thank you so very much, Linda. Your words are kind and compassionate and I so appreciate them. I was so fortunate to have the parents I did. They were wonderful people. Lydi**

[Silent Serenity also kn..]

Always hard to lose a love one but I think it's harder losing a parent.....I have only known my mother and right now I am her full time care giver....I could not imagine losing her but I know eventually her time will come as all of ours will be someday....I truly love this piece, I felt your hardship from here...thank you for sharing

[Lydia Shutter]

I wish you the strength to be your mom's caregiver. It is not easy, but you will never regret what you are doing. Thank you so much for your review. Lydi**

[Lydia Shutter]

Oh Lydi, (((HUG))) and then I look you in the eyes, and say to you: ( " well written, in all courage, and honesty" ), this is so touching, I feel your hurt, loss, and pain, through your words, these days bring so many memories, with them, I feel that you relive it all again, and like little fragments, of good and bad times... sigh. Your heart is a good one, they are living further in you now, and look how beautiful person you are... you can be proud of that... I wish you all strength, and even if it's difficult now and then, true happiness, because you deserve that. This was a beautiful write, and the tulips, touched me ofcourse, but that I don't have to explain you my friend.... Knuffels Eli xx

[Lydia Shutter]

Nee, je hoeft niet uit te leggen .... de tulpen iets betekenen voor u ook! Thank you so much for the compassionate and caring review you left for me, Elisa. I appreciate it. Knuffels, Lydi**

Met alle plezier lieverd!! I hope it can make you feel a bit better, during these days xx

[Lydia Shutter]

Just reading Dutch words and being able to write them back to you makes me smile. Truly.

That makes me smile too, (dat jij aan het lachen bent)... je bent niet alleen... ;) xx

[Lydia Shutter]

We waren bedoeld om hier te ontmoeten, Eli .... Ik geloof dat. Nee, je bent niet alleen. :) Lydi**

Ja, wist je dat ik daar laatst ook aan heb gedacht? je leest mijn gedachten, echt waar, en dan ook te spreken over de Holland-America line, en de dingen die (ik heb gehoord van mijn oma) en jij hebt gezien, het is echt bijzonder, serieus.... ben dankbaar dat ik je ken lieverd.

[Lydia Shutter]

I feel the same way, sweet Eli! And you know what? My granddaughters call me Oma! :) Going to sign off now. Vele te rusten! :) Lydi**

En dat is het mooiste eraan, je bent ook de liefste Oma :D so great... so cool!!! ja, ik spreek je snel, ik doe nog een paar herzieningen, maar ga ook slapen, erg moe, lange dag gehad... dikke kus, en tot morgen! x

[Joyce S. Greene]

This is a wonderful poem, Lydi. It says so much about your relationship with your mother and the heartache her illness and passing brought to you. Hopefully, the chanukah candles will bring you some peace - I'm sure both of your parents are looking down on you tonight, as they always do, with great love and gratitude. You write such loving testimonies to their memories - they certainly couldn't have been given a better daughter. Shalom, Lydi.

[Lydia Shutter]

(((Joyce))))) thank you so very much for this compassionate, caring, and lovely review. I know I was a lucky girl to have the parents I did. Lydi**

[Travis Gibson (poetic h..]

I must first applaud your courage... I find it hard to write of my late father. I can relate to the place these emotions are drawn from. The talent in the piece is only out shined by your sincere emotion. This truly has effected me, thank you for sharing this with us.

[Lydia Shutter]

I thank you for your sincere compassion. It means a lot. So does the review! Lydi**

[Desert Knave]

"... the ones who told me i was a good daughter ... but i had to let go ... what did they know? .." Wow. That really hit me the hardest in a write that is heart-rending and emotional. ~Jim

[Lydia Shutter]

Jim, I am so happy to see a review from you on my page. Thank you, my friend. Hope all is well with you. Lydi**

[Sheila Kline]

The strength of you and of your mother shines through in your heartfelt words during this time of memory as you light the last candle of Chanukah!! The essence of her life is so powerful in your heart and spirit, and the fact that you and she walked this journey together shall never fade from the special time of the holiday!!

My thoughts are with you and my admiration for being so loving and brave to face it all as there are far too many who judge when it is time to say goodbye for us. They must walk the mile in our shoes to make that judgment!! Only we - the loved ones who shall be left behind and the person who is ill - may make that decision!

Hugs to you with only thoughts of good will and feelings of comfort for you during this difficult time!! Your note makes it even more personal and the tulips so very lovely!!

[Lydia Shutter]

Sheila, thank you very much for the warm and compassionate review you have left here. I appreciate it more than I can say. I cared for my mom for 5 years and it was a difficult time, but I would not trade it for the world. The time was very special...for both of us. Lydi**

[jacob erin-cilberto]

a very sad story...and yes, the professionals...feign caring but how much do they really?
nicely expressed, Lydi.

jacob

[Lydia Shutter]

Sometimes I just have to let it all out. Thank you, Jacob. Lydi**

[Diana]

I like the author's note. It really added a special touch to it. It is one thing to see something happen and quite another for it to happen to you or a loved one.

Sweet piece, heartbreaking. :(

[Lydia Shutter]

That's so true. Thank you, Diana. Lydi**