A Story by MadsG

Its a bit of a poem a story and also an explanation.

My depression is a master of deception.
One day it is a single grain of sand on the beach blending with the rest invisible to all who do not know it is there and other times it is the ocean.
On those days I cannot swim until the water has calmed and the moon is bright enough to see the bottom. I have more dark days than not, Days where the moon is full but covered by black rain clouds.
They tell me to get an umbrella.
Put on a coat.
Go grab the flashlight.
But I am not afraid of the cold and the dark.
The rain is a soothing drug fooling me into believing that nothing is wrong.
Then go out when the sun has risen?
I CAN'T! Anxiety clouds my vision and I cannot tell if the sun is shining or if the flickering flames of pain have gotten that much hotter.
Where does it hurt?
Everywhere. My arms my legs my fingers and toes. It rips at my lungs and claws at my throat when i cannot breath, the waves pull me under because you said it was safe.
It's just a little water.
Get over it.
As if depression is just a phobia stemming from that time in hawaii when I was 6 and the boat was too small and the water to deep.
You need to get out more, make some friends.
Oh I make plans, I make plans all the time but that does not mean I want to go.
I know I should, I know its normal to go out and have fun but sometimes it's no fun having fun when you don't want to have fun. I don't know how to have fun anymore.
The reality is that each night insomnia and self hatred creep into my bed and hold me in there too tight embrace. They whispers in my ear too low for anyone to hear but deafening enough to shake the foundations of my mind.
There footsteps have followed me with the sand as I walk blindly ever since I was eight and I Looked in the mirror and realised I Wasn't good enough. They followed me to every dinner and ate the food I hid in my napkin because beautiful people don't eat, and I need to be beautiful. They followed me to school and frightened away all who dared try to get close. They dragged knives along my thighs When no one was looking and carved words into my heart with blunt nails.
They're always with me, even now, footprints blending with my own and so they cannot be seen or heard but I know, I know they are there holding my hand chattering like old friends counting reasons to die instead of sheep.
I do not want to die.
I simply have no desire to live.

It makes us sad to hear you talk about yourself like this.

oh. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cause you pain, i'll stop I promise.
It's been so long since i've seen the sun one more day in the dark won't hurt i'm sure. After all I would hate to make you sad. I'll go back inside away from the sand and the rain. Into the freezing burning squeezing cage my ribs create around my lungs and heart but don't worry.
Im fine.
I can still see the ocean from inside.

© 2018 MadsG

Author's Note

Never written this way befor, sorry about any errors

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Added on February 9, 2018
Last Updated on February 9, 2018
Tags: Depression, anxiety, anorexia, eating disorders, insomnia, ocean, beach, dark, mental illness, sickness