A love that was more than Love

A love that was more than Love

A Story by ManasaC

The silence of the night in its eeriness camouflaged the warning of a catastrophe, while the moon bore no witness to the crime that was to happen. 


          The stranger walked out from the shadows towards the bed where the owner of the quaint apartment slept. He canvassed the familiar surroundings which were decorated to commence the new beginning in the owner’s life: she was to walk the aisle to marry her prince. She was a nervous wreck that day and even the tiniest of the things was a herculean task. She had to have her beauty sleep, she needed to pacify those nerves and so she gulped two sleeping pills unaware of the danger that was out to hunt her.  


          With cat like footsteps the shadow trudged and loomed near the bed.  He has known her for so long that even the darkness couldn’t sheath her features.  Ever so gently with the deep set brown eyes he stared at her to his heart’s content, caressing the cheeks and wondering what those electric blue eyes would be like at this time: would they be scared or would they acknowledge his presence normally? She probably would be scared, he thought. Her smile, he envisioned the warmth in it and slowly bent down to kiss those lips passionately. Running his fingers on her face, he let them rest on the auburn hair, slowly pushing those few rebellious strands behind her ear. For a moment he closed his eyes wondering how she trusted him when he couldn’t even believe in himself.


          The well built arms wrapped around the girl’s waist lifting her to his chest and together they journeyed to the balcony. The place where the railing existed was now a vacant space. He stared at the lifeless city down below, a place that deemed him insufficient with the fast paced world around.


          It was all quiet now, the sky trapped in its own darkness while the mist filled the city with malignancy. An aura of death lingered on to the place where they stood. A smile curved onto his lips as a final kiss parted from them. Behind those loving eyes, hatred now harbored that pulled him into a mire of desolation. From the day he set his eyes on her, a love was born with a deep intensity that the girl failed to recognize. If only she had chosen him instead of his brother, it wouldn’t have been this way.

The thought of his brother marrying the woman He loved overpowered his own will to thrive for life. He wanted the girl all to himself. 

        Gripping her tight, his melancholic voice professed his troubled heart, final words from a darkened soul:

       “Think of this not as an end but as a beginning for us both. Just bear this pain for now and I’ll never let you feel so tragic again. The future is set for us in a place where your heart will never seek out others and it will only beat for me, just like mine that does not know anyone else. You couldn’t even understand your own feelings; the trust that bears your heart for me isn’t friendship but love. I have loved you in life yet that wasn’t sufficient to pull you to me. Let us cherish each other in Death, for it is only the way where we can be one. I love you to death and beyond.”


         With these words of final parting, he took a step onto the invisible path and then the other step that led to the place, a heaven his heart believed in.    


© 2017 ManasaC

Author's Note

Title inspired by Edgar Allan Poe's quote
"We loved with a love that was more than love"

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• The silence of the night in its eeriness camouflaged the warning of a catastrophe, while the moon bore no witness to the crime that was to happen.

So you tell the reader that bad things are going to happen in the future. Why? All stories are about things going wrong, so this serves only to delay the actual start of the story.

• The stranger walked out from the shadows towards the bed where the owner of the quaint apartment slept.

You’re writing a report, not a story. No one is on stage but you, someone the reader cannot either see or hear. So the mental voice the reader hears is emotion free.

At this point we have zero context. We don’t know where we are in time or space. We don’t know why the apartment is “quaint,” or who lives there. What odds would you give that someone reading this would get a picture of the place from that single word, and that it matches the one you held as you wrote the piece? We don’t know anything but that someone unknown, is in the apartment of someone we’ve not met, in an unknown city at an unknown season, for unknown purpose. Either character can be of any gender and age, So we have fragmentary data on unknown people, but no context to make it meaningful. And you can’t say, “Read on and you’ll understand,” because a reader won’t. You get no chance to make a second first impression. Have your computer read it aloud and you’ll hear the problems.

Here’s the deal: There’s a LOT to writing fiction that’s not obvious, but is necessary. And the writing skills needed are nothing like those we all learn in school—and which you’re using here. In our school days we learned only nonfiction writing (remember all those reports and essays?). We’re taught to explain the events in a way that’s author-centric and fact based. Trying to write fiction with report writing skills will yield a report.

Fiction, though, is meant to entertain. It’s emotion-based and character-centric. That’s a style of writing they never even told you exists. And it’s not a matter of getting a few, “Do this instead of that” hints. The tricks of fiction are every bit as complex as those of nonfiction. They must be learned practiced, and perfected, which takes time.

It’s not a matter of talent and potential, it’s that the skills you presently own are inappropriate to our medium. And that’s fixable. Time spent in the local library’s fiction writing section is time well spent. After all, if you want the reader to enjoy your writing, doesn’t it make sense that you need t know what the pros know?

Posted 2 Months Ago


2 Months Ago

As I said, the public library's fiction section is a great resource. Like any other field there are .. read more
This comment has been deleted by the poster.

2 Months Ago

I will look into those books. Thanks once again.
Critique: (She was a nervous wreck that day and even the tiniest of the things were a herculean task) was a herculean - The verb "were" does not agree with the subject "tiniest".
(while the mist filled the city with malignance) with a malignancy - The word "malignance" doesn’t fit this context

Review: Great imagery from your word choices and descriptions, the work of a true wordsmith. The title set me up I was expecting something with a happy ending, but on second thought I guess I just needed to rethink my idea. You not only made me thing but rethink and change my mind, that is not an easy task and to do so through a written story is fantastic. Well done Standing Ovation! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Posted 3 Months Ago


3 Months Ago

I will keep those points in mind and thank you so much for the kind words. Good Day!!!
Very nicely done...manasa
Through the eyes of the killer ;)

Posted 3 Months Ago


3 Months Ago

Thank you so much!

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Added on September 26, 2017
Last Updated on November 1, 2017




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