for you

admiration towards a person

Febuary Of 2008

 

          Colors were only from the window. I myself barely noticing that I was getting carsick. I searched for a better doing rather than just looking out the window of the bus that was taking me and my 1st period to a jazz convention.

 

           My solution was sitting right next to me. He's been my best friend for almost a year. We quickly understood each other and quickly became unseperable. He's a rather goofy, funny guy who had bundles hidden onder his porcelainne smiles.

"Hey! Aren't you excited that the we're going to a hotel and the school is paying for everything!" i said to him in search for connversation but with more intentions for a solution towards my carsickness.

 

"Yeah." he said shooting me one of his picture perfect smiles then looking at the floor of the bus. I stared at him realizing he didn't feel much like conversating.

 

"You and Rosy better not get me sick!" he warned me with his finger as a threat. Sometimes he is unpredictable.

 

"Don't worry, my cold is almost gone and so is Rosy's!" i replied back to him. Rosy is also our best friend! We share everything, even illnesses!

 

"Oh." he didn't seem too sure.

 

"So what if we give you a cold!" i retorted, somehow upset of his unsureness.

          He stared out the window silently. So long cure.

"We're here!" rosy said popping out of nowhere pointing at the window.

          Our fist stop, burger king.

          The rest of the ride was okay. We chatted, played, joked, and i eventually fell asleep for the rest of the ride. The hotel was beautiful. The breakfast was delicious and there was a grand piano in the lounge.

 

           We arrived to the Jazz convention the next morninng, we were all amazed at the wonderful sight that caught our eyes. Nothing but musicians and all of us having smiles in our faces since we were part of it all. We saw many bands play since we were second to last to preform.

 

           When it was finally about time for us to get ready for preformance, he finally became ill-struck. he eventually didn't play except for when it came time for his solo-ing. i would always watch him play his solos and couldnt' help but smile at such prodigy.

           We all knew he was making a big risk for the band since being ill-struck included him not being able to breathe well. With him playing Baretone Saxophone, the biggest and hardest to blow saxophone. We were all with high worries looking at each other and hearing his notes flow through the preformance room. And finally the preformance was all over and he was still on his feet smiling.

 

           While watching the last band preformm, I noticed that he was silently gasping for air. I rested my hand on his forehead to find his tempeture extremely high.

"Are you okay!?!" i asked in excitement

 

"Oh my god! You're boiling hot!" said rosy putting her hand back on the arm rest after, feeling his extremely high tempeture.

 

"It's...okay, i just, want to get home..." he replied back calmy grasping on every word as if they were going to go away.

          As we were riding back, he was telling me a storyabout how he saw a girl's underwear while playing tag in a jungle gym when he was in elementary school. At least he wasn't that sick, he was still acting like a perv. I checked his tempeture and found that it was gladly going down.

"I'm sleepy...Do you mind if I rest my head on your legs?" he asked me.

          I nodded. He was sick after all, and we were on the bus, a most uncomfortable place to sleep.

          An hour passed, me and Rosy stayed with him. I checked his tempeture after being sucked into my own head and forgot to check his tempeture. There he was even hotter than the first time I checked him. Sweating hot from his forehead and face and shaking cold chest down.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I got you this sick! I' sorry" i wailed without thinking hugging him.

          He was deep in sleep, not able to answer back. So I tried lowering his tempeture by being a sponge myself and at the same time not give him my body heat, and began trying to remember mom. I tried remembering her in search for a way i could lower his tempeture the same way mom did when i was little and would get terribly sick. But all i could remember was me hiding behind the door of my grandma's room and could hear the words that some how followed my here, "It takes lots of love to take care of a sick person" and saw grandma strocking my uncles hair while he himself was sweating in high fevers.

 

           Then remembered the day he told me his dark secret. He always said he had a dark secret, but i never put much interest in it. And when he revealed it to me, all i could do was say that i was sorry and hugged him. His secret was so dark i couldn't possibly write it in paper.

 

            "how is it that you can still laugh?" i asked myself. And there in my head was his smile. Times when he has been so nice to me that i would feel pathetic and only be able to say thank you knowing it would never be enough. His smile growing, wide enough that i could see his teeth.

     

          Then i saw him dating. "what a lucky girl!" i thought to myself. She would never leave him as soon as she see how wonderful he really is!

        

          Then i remembered the first time i saw him frown. He was looking towards the floor, but not the floor. someplace very distant someplace that i would never reach and or touch in my entire existance. He turned my direction and smiled.

   

            Why does he hide his missery from others!? He deserves to be happy in the first place! I try to make him happy. He tells me i suceed but i'm not enough! He only tells me that so that I'M happy, but we both know its not true. Why aren't you happy?!

"I....I saw her.... ******...we, finally held hands." he said trying to smile.

              This smile somehow different, somehow true. Then he was again drowned. I do not know exactly into what he was drowned by, either it was sleep, tiredness, illness, my tears, or her.

            

             Why is it that of all the blind people in the the world she had to be the blindest! He holds memories of her as if they were gold and or meant his life to him. To live in memories instead of in the real world to smile but not have the real feelings. How is it that he lives that type of life and hides it so well i myself am amazed at how strong and so givingfull he is. Us people who look for nothing but happiness for ourselvesand would tremple over anything and or anyone in order to reach it. And him trying to not make me sad by his lonesomeness only caring for others since his happiness is only thoughts and memoirs.

          

              I can't protect you from everything because she is a part of that everything.

 

I can't just keep you from the world in a capsule because you deserve to live!

 

I wish i could make your living any better.

 

But i can't treat you like glass even if you get hurt like a stone.

 

And if there's nothing for me to do for you. And you can't help yourself then i'll at least... i'll,

 

 

 I'LL CRY FOR YOU!!!!!!!