Flowing

Like the flowing river
Let the liquids push me away
Like the whistling wind
Let my mind whirl faraway.

Reviews

[TLK]

I like the twinning of 'whistling' and 'whirl' for some assonance+consonance. However, I'm not sure about the use of metonymy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metonymy -- I have to keep checking when I use the word that it's the word I wanna use, so I have the link to hand (¬_¬)). I think it's a stretch to say that a flowing river is made of 'liquids'.


1) To be correct -- but boring -- you could say 'currents'. I don't like that. Bah.

2) I'm trying to think of something striking about water that we all intimately know is part of water, or is related to water.
a) First thought is 'hydrogen atoms'. That's truly awful.
b) Being poetic, you could say 'flowing ice', I guess.
c) Checking the wikipedia article for water reminds me that one property of water is transparency. "Let the transparency push me away" is... interesting but weird.
d) It is, of course, essential to plants. You could call water 'tree blood', or something similar. That's getting quite ridiculous.

Maybe 'fluids' works, because it brings in consonance with FLowing.

Your poem clearly got me thinking, and I hope my musing on these issues has something useful in it for you. Talking about metonymy is always good!

[EileenMarie]

Short but beautiful........ Great poem.

[Whiskurz]

Very well written in such a short piece my friend......Whisk

[Maroon Surreal]

Thanks :)