My Last Frame

Retinitis pigmentosa (RP): Refers to a group of inherited diseases causing retinal degeneration

I only have a day left till I completely loose my eyesight and there is nothing the doctors can do besides just wait. I don't wanna wait. I hate having the anticipation that any moment now, at one point, I am going to blink and there will be no color, but the color of darkness. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like staring into nothingness has if I'm in a room forcefully blindfolded out of my own will. There is so many things I do and so much that I am going to loose just because I lost my damn eyesight. My doctors always tell me,

"There are some treatments you could take that might save your eyesight or at least improve it, but not reset it perfectly"

Yeah, the key word was 'might'. They can't do anything so why try and talk to me like I'm five.

I remember the first time I started feeling like my eyesight was somewhat wrong. Angela and I were on our way to Starbucks near our house and every few steps I would take I'd accidentally bump into a door or even a person quite a lot so Angela suggested I went to the ophthalmologist so I did. When I had gotten there they made me do a simple laser test to the board where they had the doctor hold the laser stick and he'd point it at a letter so eventually I'd repeat it once he designated the letter chosen. I was failing each one and the doctors told me they didn't know what was going on and that there was nothing they could do then to simply come back if it worsen. Well it did...A lot.

It was like an inquiry inside there between the doctors when I came back for my other check-up. Million of questions were being asked among them whilst I sat in the room waiting for their decision. When they had finally gotten their final answer. They simply said "You have gone legally blind" The doctor continued.

"You may have a rare disease called Retinitis Pigmentosa or RP. The symptoms which you seem to be possessing which are, as you say are: Poor night vision, diminished periphery eyesight, and sadly the last which you have yet to experience is...Blindness"

"Is...That the disease I have?" I bowed my head down not wanting to believe what I had just heard.

"It's our top candidate right now, but their are treatments that can help you and if you'd like I can assign them to you there's--"

"No! No I just...I- Can I go? I'm sorry, I need to process this and think about what to do" I said grabbing my wallet and hurriedly walked out the office not awaiting a response or a hold in the arm trying to stop me because I won't let them. As I left I remember earning several looks towards me, but I couldn't tell what their expression was and as bewildered as I was wondering how I could get this I frustratingly yell at them.

"Is there something on my face or do you just not have the damn manners to look away!" I yell walking out the place and entered my car, turn on the engine, switch the radio to some random music station where I quickly recognize the song called, 'Niall Horan This Town'. I sit back with my hands parallel to each other on the wheel continuously staring inside the office. I'm filled with anger as if this was their fault...I know it wasn't, but I just do not want to imagine- Matter of fact I don't even what to think abut it, but why do I? Because I have to. This, now is my future. I'm going to a blind women whom lives by herself with one good friend that visits nearly every day, but I don't want her cooking for me, my chores, my laundry, work, or better yet...Wiping my own a*s.

I just don't want to grow old not being able to see and experience my last frame with every sense still intact and here I am. 34 and going blind slowly with no kids, girlfriend, and not even a family I can see because well I don't have any anyway so.

Why should I give up on my dreams now thought? Yes, I want to go Italy and see the several cathedrals they built and see paintings, food, and homes and anything that builds up Italy. I need and I want to.

Here I am lying with my best-friend Angelica watching as the sun goes down as we sit on these beautiful high mountains. It's breezy, but good enough to sit outside in the weather.

"Are you OK?" Angela asks swinging her feet over the edge.

"Yeah, I'm ok"

"What do you think your going to be doing now?"

I shrug my shoulders with no response.

"I'll help you through this, please remember that" I smile at their reassuring comment and lay my head on her shoulder gently.

"Thanks, Angelica"

"Don't mention it"

We sit in silence for quite some time as I notice my vision gets darker with blink I intake. Oh, God help me through this when it happens.

"Remember when we went to London and you said you always wanted to see the Parliament and Big Ben itself?"

"Yeah, haha"

"You started giving me little fun facts about the place and I couldn't stop laughing at what big nerd you were back in high school" We both start laughing and my vision is almost unbearable to see. I'm straining my eyes to see.

I pick up my head and stare at Angelica who turns to me after a few moments of noticing I was looking at her and smiles at me.

"What's wrong?"

"I wanna study your face"
"Why?"
"I want to capture every tiny speckle in your face. Every bit of makeup you have on. Your eyes and the odd grey-greenish color they have. Your short-hair...Everything" I say trying to burn and implanted it into my brain. I don't want to forget how she looks like. She raises her eyebrows almost like she's bound to cry in a few moments.

I slowly reach for her cheeks when, before I even reach them my vision is gone. I gasp first and can't imagine what I look like right now slowly starting to sob.

"Angeli--My vision...I-I-It's gone" I stutter shaking uncontrollably and I feel her arms wrap around them as I travel my hand up her arm to keep her close. I need her more than ever. I can't believe this really just happened to me.

"Shhh, it's ok. I'm here for you. Don't worry, it'll be ok soon. I promise" She whispers close to my ear feeling the warm breath. I bury myself into her chest and feel the wetness of my tears as I damp her shirt.

"What am I going to do now?"

"Life goes on Alex. You just have to live it and don't let anything get in your way"

"How can I do that if I can't even see what I'm doing?"

"Just like a man in wheelchair racing...You'll find a way, trust me. This is only the beginning, not the end"