It is what it is, isn't it ?

It is what it is. What. What. Here I am. 21 one years old. Fucked up. Amen. So fucked up. And there you are. My worst enemy. My worst fear. My worst nightmare. That one person. That one day. Everything changed. Every f*****g thing changed. It ends. Now. Then. Always. I don’t bother. It doesn’t bother. Come on. Scared? Feel it. Feel it in your bones. My thoughts. All here. Dead. On going. Forever. Mind f**k. What makes us so scared? Why do things happen? Why does no one feel s**t? I am not seeing. You are. You are my heart. You were my heart. You are not. Here. Not here. No heart. No f*****g feelings. And you took away what was really important to me. My pride. Well. I guess s**t happens. But leave that s**t. I don’t want to get emotional. Emotions are not good for you. They screw you up. In every single way possible. It feels like I am on cocaine though I’m not. I was on cocaine. But now it’s worse. Having that mind f**k without cocaine. Yes. Cocaine. Whatever. F**k me. F**k this. I am cute. I am f*****g ugly. I am a b***h. I was good. Now I’m not. I am a f*****g b***h. F**k me. If you can. Because I already know: You can’t. You can’t. No one can touch me. Even if they really want. No. Disgusting. Everyone around me is disgusting. I hate people. I hate when they talk. Too much. Bla Bla. La la. What? Ja. Yea. I can speak German, too. Ja. Ja. Gib’s mir. There is that voice. You know what I am talking about? That voice that freaks you out. It might be yourself. Thinking too much. Feeling nothing. Hearing a lot. Fingers crossed. I don’t know anymore. My tears are gone. I felt the pain. Once. Long time. No tear. No nothing. Just me. Dealing with s**t. Dealing with life. It’s pure. It’s cruel. I don’t like the bitterness of lemons. But I love lemonade. Do you understand me now? So many of them. So many souls. Creepy, no? Feel me. Feel my bones. Feel my skin against yours. I want to listen to your voice. Before I sleep. Dream. Always. Hold your hand through the streets of London. You are so ugly. You don’t have a life. You’re a liar. F*****g person. And I love you. I love you so much that I hate myself. Wrong. It was wrong. What you did: wrong. I wish. But no. It’s not. It never were. Never be. Will. Everything you said. Lie. Trust? Lie. Feelings? Lie. Words? Lie. Promises? Lie. Love. Love? Love. Love. What? Oh. Not existed. Not exist. I don’t want to lie. No love. Lil Wayne. Don’t forget Eminem. Well, I’m not afraid. Only of love. It hit me. Too hard. Too hard to think of it again. It destroyed me. I shouldn’t say that. But I am honest. Destroyed. My bones. My inner self. My everything. Even my thoughts hurt. Pain. Even if I don’t want to. I feel it. I breathe it. I hear it. I can’t see you. I love you. But no. Block it. No touch. Not close. Far. Far away you are. Shutting your love. F*****g me but not loving me. F**k you. F**k you, you dirty m**********r. F**k you. Flowers. Nice looking flowers. I like flowers. I like thinking of them. You do too no? Hey. Babe. Hey. Come. Take me away. Ok? Ok. Get away. Forever. Different life. Different country? Everything changed. I’m lost. Can you hear me? I mean. Hello? You fucked her. Dirty little B*****d. You fucked her. Go f**k yourself. Hi. Dry hands. Too much work. Are you still there? My eyes hurt. I should sleep. No sleep. No dreams, please. Don’t like them. So tired. Sleep. Too much caffeine. Tim Hortons. Roll up the rim. Never win. What the? Mip mip. Dup dup. All in my head. Poor uncle. Love my uncle. He’s the best. Works to much. Like me. Got used to 16 hour shifts. F**k pepperoni. F**k customers. Never liked them. All so cheap. “Can I have a medium pepperoni and a garlic dipping sauce?” Yes, you can you cheap m**********r. And you b***h? Don’t you pity yourself that your f*****g boyfriend takes you out to a f*****g cheap pizza place on Valentines Day? F**k him. F**k your pride and f**k that medium pepperoni. That’s what you should do. Suddenly. Blood. All over me. WHAT? You’re an illusion. Simply a beautiful illusion now. And my heart.. my heart desires that illusion. That unique, beautiful illusion. All I got is this. I can’t even hold it. What should I do. I dreamt of you my beautiful man. I dreamt of you in my deepest weakness. When I can’t behold it. My fears. My thoughts. My wishes. My wish. My only wish. You. I love you, too I wanted to say. In my dream. Yesterday night. Only you. Only me. I know you are lonely. You are. Life is weird, isn’t it? Stay here. Please. And the sound of piano. Oh, the sound of piano. Lovely, no? So empty. All but the piano. Your kiss. I feel it. I think of it. When I feel strong enough. Only seconds. Not long. How could I? No. It is simply not bearable. I wish I could feel those lips on mine again. One more time. You misunderstood. It’s not all about words. They don’t really matter. People can say something but mean something else. No? Yes. I’m not a genius. I am what I am. That is the basic thing in life you need to know. You are what you are. You can try and change things here and there but your mind will always be your mind. Your thoughts, emotions and your temper will always be your thoughts, emotions and your temper. You will know more about life. Make experience about stuff you probably would have avoided. Preferably. But nah. Nah, nah. Nope. F**k. You can’t really decide what you will experience or not. It comes. It all comes. Suddenly. Hard. Unexpectedly. Love me. F**k me. Miss that white s**t. Mhm. Feel it. Force yourself to feel it. Breathe deeply. Feel the cold air crushing into your lungs. Regret. Does it haunt you? It does, no? We all regret. We say that we don’t. But we secretly do. We do regret. We are f*****g human beings. We do regret. I regret that I loved. I regret that I believed in people I shouldn’t have believed in. And yes. It made me to the person I am today. But I don’t like this person. I don’t feel like I should be this way. This bitter person who can’t identify herself with anyone. Feel like stranger all the time. The time stops. Sometimes. What time is it? Is there such a thing as time? I like the sound of it. It’s calming. Huh? What am I talking about? Leave it. Don’t start. Blow out all the candles, your too old to be so shy. He said to me so I stayed the night. Daughter you are so right. With everything you sung. It’s right. I was too old to be so shy. That’s why it happened. Something I regret. Time doesn’t change s**t. It still makes me think. Sometimes when I’m all by myself. I just stare into emptiness. There is something in me that forces me to go back in time. The time I am so trying to forget so hardly. The more I want to forget the more I remember. And what I remember is dangerous. It’s terrifying. Totally inappropriate. Wrong. Right? Who are you? Who are you now? After all the time. Who are you? Do you still remember me? I wish I’d knew. But I don’t. Shattered. Everything. Trying to pick up the last pieces of myself. All lost in London. In the middle of London. In a dirty stupid pub. Wine. Drink some whine and you will feel better about it. I didn’t. Tears. Smoke. All I see is smoke now.  The blue smoke at Arlington Road. The cold getting into my bones. Slowly feeling numb. Everywhere. In my chest. Angry. Betrayed. Everything’s so wrong. I trusted. Now I don’t. All the journey. Bus. For what? For you to leave me? To let me know I’m not good enough. I’ve seen too much. How can two days change your whole entire life? Just two days. I’ve been in this world for 7754 days now and I wish I could erase those two days. Loneliness is haunting me. In my room. At night. I wake up and the pain is always there. Some days I feel like I am over it. And truly I feel better about myself. But not about it. Not about you. And I will never forget nor forgive what you did to me. You had no right to interfere in my life like that. I didn’t want to love you. You promises me shelter. You promised me your love. And what did I get instead? A different person. Someone I don’t recognize in front of the mirror. Someone I feel uncomfortable with. For the rest of my life? If so you’d better be aware. Because even though I’m hurt I still feel strong about my faith. I do have faith. Blow out all the candles, blow out all the candles. You’re too old to feel so shy, he said to me so I stayed the night. Yes. I stayed the night daughter. Things cannot be reversed. Both in silence. Wide eyed. Both in silence. Wide eyed. ‘Cause we both know I Never be your lover. I only bring the heat. Company under covers. Filling space in your sheet. So please just blow out all the candles.

Just a young heart. Confusing my mind. I hate this song. It rips off my heart and shatters it into a billion pieces. Right in front of me. In the shadow of my being. It all collapses. You b*****d. 2 years. Out of what? And still. I wish I would be someone else. I wish some things would have never happened. Some encounters that lead me to you. How funny life can be. Is. Love. Love. Love. F**k. F**k. You. F**k you. I want to hurt you. I want you to feel what I felt. What I went through. Haunting memories. Here and there. Now and then. Surprisingly. Unknown sometimes. Deep. As I am fallen down forever. Into the blackness of my thoughts. It’s not possible to ever be who I were. Lost now and forever.

Author's Note

Just thoughts.