"Untitled"

Just a rather short one I pumped out early in the morning.

It was around four in the morning as I sat on my bed. Its soporific texture was beckoning me towards sleep, but I was determined to fight it. The cigarette I had been so rudely ignoring had finally gone out, as if in protest to my blatant disregard for it. I desperately puffed away, suddenly wanting nothing more than another drag, but my efforts were in vain.

I snapped what was left of the cigarette in half, a childish attempt at my own sort of protest. I couldn't help but give in to my primal need for revenge. My head began to hurt and suddenly I began to see stars dancing around my head. A sort of ballet which was impossible to make sense of. My mouth had become like dust; for a moment, I was afraid I might swallow my tongue. With enough effort, I was able to command my tongue to stay in my mouth, refusing its desire to slither down my throat. I was mortified by how much effort it took to control my body. 

Suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. A figure had popped its head out from under my bed. If it hadn't been so dark, I would've sworn I made eye contact with the creature for a split second before it slunk back beneath my bed. Was I just seeing things? Had I smoked too much grass that night? Had I fallen victim to my own neurosis? No time to think about such things, for underneath me now was an abyss. The blackness stretched down for an eternity, and I felt that I might fall if I looked too deeply. 

Everything I had considered impossible was suddenly irrelevant, superseded by a whole new perspective; one which forced me to challenge my whole world view, my fragmented ideas and my fragile beliefs. 

Ignore these horrible happenings, these demon creatures which sit on my shoulders and whisper into my ear. Grave thoughts of man and our inner-most workings, bleak views on government and society as a whole, paranoid delusions of hate and betrayal, all forced into my head by these evil b******s. 

Then, out of nowhere, the abyss was my floor again, and there were no more dancing stars, and there were no more horrid creatures whispering horrid thoughts into my already horrid mind. There was silence; I was alone. Finally alone.

Reviews

[Artifex193]

Great job! Refrain from using words that are not definitive such as: or so, around etc. Your story is really dark so try to keep your words on that side of the mood spectrum. Don't use adverbs if you can help it (They are usually the ly words) so that means use more indirect presentation (Show don't tell). Overall I loved your story and I think the ending really ties it off well. :)

[Leviathus Fortes]

My curiosity for the creature leaves me wanting more.

[a.c.]

Very interesting! You might be able to replace 'popped' with something darker, only because (for me at least) that word has more of a positive connotation. Extremely intriguing, though! I would love to read more if you decide to continue this story.

[Lizardo]

Wow this is very dark, I love the events of the story, really dark.
An enjoyable and dark story to read, a very nice story!

[Jerome F Knox III pseud..]

I liked this. I love the split second eye contact with the creature. That was a eerie effect and visual that worked. Your transitions worked all the way through.

[Andrew Dane Parker]

Mysterious. I like this. You did a real good job at metaphors and details. Although, I don't particularly understand what's going on. But many it's best left unsaid. Anyway, nice work!