No Place Like Home

This Was A While Back.

i didnt think it could ever get this worse again

i mean a big part of my life

is so great and extrodinary so infinate and lovely

but the small part of my life, the one that hurts the most, and is really painful to watch and feel

can ruin almost any form of happiness


i am most positive that a therapist

or someone with a degree that says "they understand all feelings"

will say that what i am feeling

actually has a name

like depression, or post traumatic stress disorder, or something

someone without a Dr. in front of their name

would just say that i am crazy



i try not to blame another thing or person

for what is going on

i get told so much, indirectly and directly

that it is all my fault


i have changed alot from what i used to be

in my eyes i think that what i have become is

better than how i was


i guess i am the only one who sees that


im desperately and pathetically falling

into old bad habits, painful ones

it hurts to know that its not for the reasons that it used to be

its because of my family...



it is terribly sad

the few people that i am supposed to feel so close to

and be so happy with,

i cant even be in the same room with

let alone

rely on them to be loyal, caring people.


Hatred is one of the words that describes the vibe in our household..

this sadens me to the core


and as much as i try to break free of it

it latches on to me and pulls me down

suffocating me.



i have so much to offer.

it seems the only person that can make me feel extremely happy,

the one person who makes all the bad things go away,

the one person who makes me feel the way i should,

i can never see, or hardly at least



as much as i want to express, as much as i prepare for another

draining useless arguement

everything i want to say to my delusional family members


comes out all wrong

they twist and tangle my words

they throw accusations

and assumptions




my hard outer shell

can only block out so much

i wish all this would all go away

just poof

dreams never come true



im trying my hardest to leave

anything right now would be better.




they told me before i left, that i should calm down

before driving

because i will get into another car accident

like last time


which wasnt even why i got into the last one

i hoped that if i did get into an accident today

that it would end it all in a heartbeat


that it would be soooo bad

there would be no chance of survival



that wasnt a suicidal thought, well maybe,

i was just that angry

 

i just want them to see what it would be like

if i really wasnt here

for good



this crazy family


is driving me insane


i wish them no harm










just get me out of here

Author's Note

this is old so dont worry
my life is pretty intense