From another time

From another time

A Story by Mel Jayne
"

Three out of place people run away from the dangerous things lurking in Prague.

"

The device shook in her hand. She dropped it. Her friend had dropped hers as well. There was a string of something alive attaching their hands to the grey metal lying dormant on the pavement. Saff, the person that they had been travelling with, looked up at them. Their dark skin was untouched by the strings. A red cloth was wrapped around Saff’s head, they held out their hands for Jess and Gem to hold, the three mysterious people who did not quite fit in where they stood in the shadows of the city. The strings snapped as they ran. Their cloth garments spanned out around them in billows and folds. 
They reached a door in Prague that had swirling patterns of green light spanning out from the edges. Jess looked around frantically but there was no one there to see them as the alley that they had turned down was vacant. Saff pushed the door open, the green light growing stronger. Gem was pushed through the doorway towards a room that felt ancient. 
There was effectively a cavernous damp room inside of the doorway. The girls could tell that by the sound of water drops. A strange familiarity radiated from the edges of the room even though they had not seen it before. Their companion, wrapped in red, was enthusiastic in closing the door. 
They were left in darkness, three bodies breathing harshly. A grinding noise came from the other end of the deep room, it alarmed the two girls but Saff had been expecting it. They looked coolly over their shoulder and remembered the first time that they had heard the sound of those gears working away at the universe. They had been a child, lonely and weak, they had been saved by what that sound had meant. That sound, of rock and metal, could set people free and take everything from someone. They were so much older now, not an innocent child anymore. 

These children, these girls that had hardly seen adulthood, they were clinging to their saviour without touching anyone. The door was opening, this room would not be seen for a long time, it would change when they saw it next. If the girls were there it wouldn't be safe to return to Prague at that time and place. There would have to be some other person that loved Saff.

The light spread over the high ceiling, the green highlighting the girls strangely, like an illness. Jess' brown hair down her back swaying with her movements. They all stepped towards the now open door where another place and another time were waiting for them.


© 2017 Mel Jayne



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Reviews

Interesting view and the turning events of life. Well worded and keeps the reader stringing along.

Posted 5 Months Ago


Mel Jayne

5 Months Ago

Glad you liked it
A lot of mystery and suspense in this story, really liked it! Definitely think you should continue it.

Posted 6 Months Ago


Mel Jayne

6 Months Ago

I'm glad you liked it. I do plan on continue it soon.
'Saff pushed the door open, the green light growing stronger. Gem was pushed through the doorway towards a room that felt ancient.
There was effectively a cavernous damp room inside of the doorway. The girls could tell that by the sound of water drops. A strange familiarity radiated.. .. .. '

This has a gentle tone but behind those words grows another theme that gradually moves into something unusual, with extra dimensions. It's very intriguing! There could be so much to follow. Perhaps?

Easily sortable negatives, however. At the end of first para' and the start of second you use the words 'spanned'/'spanning', might you think of an alternative for one?

Also you use the word child' singular but say 'they'.. eg. ' They had been a child'// 'They were so much older now, not an innocent child anymore.. '.

Posted 6 Months Ago


Mel Jayne

6 Months Ago

I am going to edit this at some point when I'm not so busy. I do plan on continuing it at some point.. read more
Wow! I do like it! Very, mysterious to me. I love how you go straight into action. Really, this is something worthwhile.

Posted 6 Months Ago


Mel Jayne

6 Months Ago

Thank you so much.
WriterQueen

6 Months Ago

No worries!
I just feel, few people borned for only a commitment, i feel there is no love, its just care to husband, son, mother Nature.

Posted 6 Months Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I loved the mystery behind this, you really wrote something to capture the readers attention into reading this till the very end.

Good work Mel Jayne, this ones for the shelves.

Posted 6 Months Ago


Mel Jayne

6 Months Ago

Thanks so much.
Joey Nizz

6 Months Ago

Your welcome.
This is a good concept and you've got some really vivid writing in here. I love this sentence: "Their cloth garments spanned out around them in billows and folds."

I must admit I was confused by a number of things. Your reader is obviously supposed to be unsure of what is going on until the end, but my confusion goes beyond that. It mainly comes from using the plural pronoun "they" for the singular person Saff. I kept thinking remarks about Saff were about the two girls, since there are two girls and only one Saff, and you're using the pronoun "they." If you are avoiding giving Saff a male or female pronoun to keep Saff's gender a mystery, I think it would work better if you dispensed with pronouns and referred to Saff with another noun. Person, individual, figure, etc. Or simply use Saff.

Altogether, this is an excellent story. It has vivid imagery and is compelling. I was anxious to read each new sentence, to find out what comes next.

Posted 6 Months Ago


Mel Jayne

6 Months Ago

I'm glad you liked the concept and your eagerness made me smile. I wrote this quite hurriedly and I .. read more
SweetNutmeg

6 Months Ago

I wish there were a non binary pronoun, aside from enlisting "they" to do double duty. "They" is bet.. read more
Wowieee..that's an interesting one...very good work

Posted 6 Months Ago


Mel Jayne

6 Months Ago

Thank you, I'm trying some new things. I'm glad you liked it.
Woah, very mysterious and engaging!
Keep it up!

Posted 6 Months Ago


Mel Jayne

6 Months Ago

Thank you, I will.
Mr.Writer

6 Months Ago

No problem :)
Interesting story. I think that it would make a great longer work, perhaps a novel.

Posted 6 Months Ago


Mel Jayne

6 Months Ago

Cool, I'll think about it.

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10 Reviews
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Shelved in 1 Library
Added on April 20, 2017
Last Updated on April 20, 2017
Tags: sci fi, science fiction, non binary character, non binary, trans, lgbt, drama, tech, time travel, fiction, mystery

Author

Mel Jayne
Mel Jayne

United Kingdom



About
I want to share the stories of people who have been pushed away by the media. more..

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