The Witch of The Northern Line

Beware!

The Witch of the Northern Line

I'm standing on a platform, on the northern line,

It's busy and it's crowded, but at least the train's on time,

The bodies thick around me, waiting for their ride,

The wash of human traffic, rushing like a tide.

We stand there waiting, gollum-like, staring at the ads,

Of all the latest trends and tech, of all the modern fads,

When suddenly, I feel a chill, unlike the normal kind,

No real breeze upon my skin, just whispers in my mind.

I sense that something's close to me, right behind my back,

And now I want that train to come rushing down the track,

But as I wait I find myself trying not to glance,

To look at what's behind me now, with it's ghostly stance.

I just can't help be drawn to look, to see what's standing there,

And as I turn I fall within the creatures monstrous stare,

For stood beside me, tall and lean, a woman dressed in black,

An image of a myth from time, in horror I pulled back.

Her skin was green, her nose was hooked, her face was pale and thin,

Her fingers long, with purple tongue, a wart upon her chin,

She wore a hanging, hooded cloak, it''s colour dark as coal,

If eyes are windows, deep inside, she had a bloodshot soul.

Silence fell upon us, I stood there deep in shock,

All around me stood so blindly, like a herded flock,

For they just couldn't see her, this show was just all mine,

her twisted, wicked, crooked face, with me 'till end of time.

And that was when she gave me that terrifying smile,

As if to say, your mine one day, but I'll have to wait a while,

And then she turned and floated off, past the mortal blind,

For only I would ever see The Witch of the Northern Line.

Author's Note

Any feedback is greatly appreciated :}

Reviews

[Wolfwind]

I get through the little things that hamper the flow first... as they are fresh on my mind as I read through each stanza...

1st Stanza... line 2... "train's"
3rd Stanza...line 1 "something's"
3rd Stanza...line 4 (You loose a beat on this line which tosses the cadence. Add an extra syllable in there some where and it will smooth back into place... I would suggest... "...what's behind me now..." The now would add the missing beat back in and keep that line in tempo with all the rest up to that point.

4th Stanza...line 1 "I just can't help be drawn to look," the phrase (help be) is incorrect usage. It would have to read as, "I just can't help but be drawn to look..." Or "I just can't help, i'm drawn to look..." I would got with the first option, it flows better with the tempo.

4th Stanza...line 3 "For stood..." That's one is a stretch in it's usage... "For beside me stood..." would be a more correct way to say it. But that's one that might just slide because it is poetry.

5th Stanza...line 3 "it's" (typo)
5th Stanza...line 4 "she had a bloodshot soul." (This is one that isn't incorrect, it just reads funny and throws the flow... I'd suggest... "...deep inside, bloodshot was her soul."

Technical little things done...

Personally, I felt you've crafted a wonderful tale that's told in a rhyming fashion that makes it easy to remember. Certainly the type that a grandfather might sing to their children just before bed. You've got the nack for a strong cadence. I think the only improvement there I could suggest is to try and keep the same cadence flowing through each stanza. There were some stanzas that altered the tempo a bit. Yet, that may have been intentional, to mimick someone reading faster or in a whisper, to illicite a different emotion at a different part in the piece.

Overall, It was very enjoyable! I wouldn't call it spooky, but more a shade of the mytical and dreamy side. But that's just me.

Thanks for working your craft. Twas a fun piece to walk through.
Aaron - Wolfwind

[Mercia74]

wow! what a review! Much more than I was expecting, thank you so much for taking so much time and thought over your reply. I will certainly look again at the points you've made, and as I read them I know your right. Sometimes, you get it in your head it sticks and then you struggle to hear it differently when you try and rework it. So that's genuinely really helpful. Thankyou

[Wolfwind]

You're very welcome. I really enjoy the style of flow and tempo you used in this piece, so it whispers to me when I hear the hickups. =)