It comes...

Had a vivid dream last night that comes and goes, and normally, I force myself to forget, but decided to write about it.

It comes back,

from time to time,

as I lay asleep,

it creeps up and 

starts haunting me.

It rarely changes, same faces,

same setting, and intense feelings.

Some faces are recognizable,

others are not, yet in the end,

the dream always ends the same.

Pain, anger, and something more.

I get punished for rejecting him,

the one that came and made things 

worse. The last one that 

you and Dad ever adopted into our family.

Yeah him. The one I never have or ever will

accept as a brother, less as family.

He is nothing to me, and it might be 

harsh, but I will never be able to 

forgive him and or love him.

Does this make me despicable?

I simply, cannot forget how 

it all started, and in the end,

we had more hate than love,

in between the both of us.

I will perhaps, forgive him,

some day, but right now, I cannot.

So this dream, this nightmare,

comes and goes, and it tends

to be more vivid, as I age.

I can see, the pain hidden,

behind your eyes, as I reject,

your nephew, and my dad,

well he simply wants me to obey

and treat him as my brother.

I am mocked and shamed for my 

behavior, and in the end, my dad,

corners me, and even though,

two cousins try to protect me,

he is able to succeed.

Yet, this time around, I was able to

get hold of a belt, and did 

my best to hit him, over and over, 

but to no avail.

In the end, as always,

I end up getting hurt and beaten.

I walk into this room, screaming,

and looking for you, Mom.

Yet I am unable to see you, and 

someone else comes to my 

rescue.

I tend to wake up, my heart beating, 

hard against my chest, and my body

tends to stiffen up, and ache.

And either I go back to sleep,

or fight to stay awake.

This is just one of many

dreams, that come to me,

and haunt me, from within.

Thing is, no one would know,

unless I tell them of these, so 

day by day, I go about,

smiling and acting as if nothing 

could ever be wrong, and wonder,

what if?

What if they could see my dreams as 

I do, what would they say or think?

So, here I am, once more,

trying to get by my normal routine,

putting this dream, behind closed doors.