If you find me....

for Suicide Note contest. *** I am grateful and humbled for having placed in this contest. :) Congratulations! Your poem If you find me.... has been awarded #1 in the Suicide Notes writing contest.

   

Baby:

       If you are the one to find me, know that I loved you.

       If you see me dead, and lifeless, go ahead and weep 

       your heart out.

       Just know that it was not your fault. If you ever find me, 

        unresponsive, do not call 911. Its ok, really, cause this was 

         what I needed,  to finally be at peace.  Live your life in full,

          and go out and experiment the world, but remember this,

          God will never leave your side, and when you need of Him,

           let Him know, and He will be there.  I did my best, to fight 

           my demons and forgetting my past.  I did my best in dealing

            with my PTSD but in the end, simply grew tired.

             So, I decided to write this note, ahead of time, just in case,

              the day comes, in which I am finally able to go through,

               in killing myself, once and for all.  I have tried before, more 

                than once, and my last attempt failed as well.  This time,                               though, I want to be sure, that it all works out for good.

                  If you end up hating me for a while, its ok, for I have 

                   failed you, and in the end, you have every right, to deny

                     me as the mother that I have been to you.  Yet, know this,

                       even after death, my soul, will always continue loving you,

                         no matter what, and I will ask God to send angels to your                            aide,and help you discern good from evil, so that you may                                   not fall into any trap, that is meant to destroy you.

                               From all that I faced, within this life, know that you

                                were my pride and joy, my reason to be, and my 

                                   daily motivation, in bettering myself.  I never got 

                                     to experience Love with a man on this earth, yet 

                                       I would never exchange that for the Love that I

                                         gained from my Only Child.  And I have never 

                                         regretted, having you as I did, for you were 

                                        a beacon of hope and new life, once you came

                                       into this world.  I thank you, for all that you                                         have  taught me, for I leaned much from you.  And I                                  hope that some day, you are able to forgive me for                               having  failed you.  I did my best, to give you what you                           needed, but above all, to make sure you knew, how Loved you  were.  I have asked for Gods pardon, in doing this one  thing, yet I have never stopped believing in Him, in spite  of everything.  And in the end, whatever fate awaits me                          in death, as long as you manage to move on in life,

             I will Love you no matter, where you go, what you do,

                  even if you do fall down, I will be there, in spirit, 

                       to lift you up from the ground.  Thank you for                                                Loving me as you have and for having put up with                                          my  craziness as well.  And please remember, none                                  of this was ever your fault.  And I will never stop                                      Loving you, even after death.  Be strong and                                            courageous, as you continue to face life.  

Hold onto God tightly, and never let go of His hand.

                             I will always remember the moments that we                                             shared, free of burden, shame and guilt, and where                                   we simply were, as happy as could be.  Go to the                                      Ocean, as often as you can, and as each wave                                           comes towards you imagine that I am that wave,                                      coming to greet you and hug you,  by enveloping you in my warmth.

                    Cry your heart out if you must, do not be ashamed of                               doing so, for this does not mean you are weak, but it will                          give you new strength.  I hope that you are able to find, a                         good man that can Love you for who you are, and that you                        may give him wonderful children, whom will continue onward                      in this world.  Please do not give up and hold on to God, no                         matter what.  I simply could not continue my own fight, and in                      the end, begged for Death to come and take me home.  I                             hope to see you some day, and even for a moment, or two,                           so I can tell you, how much I Love you.

                              Farewell, my dearest child, and know that you are still                                      Loved.

                              God be with you at this time, and I will never forget                                         you.

                              Forgive me, and know, that I chose this path,

                                   not you or anyone else.

                                              Your Loving Mother,

                                                        Goodbye...

                                       

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

I like the sway pattern, it's like you're standing there, swaying from the drugs kickin' in and trying to say these things before you go down.

That said, I liked that you acknowledge she will be mad at you for leaving her. This is hard for me to comment on as I do not think suicide is an answer unless it's through Death with Dignity where you have been certified by several physicians that your quality of life is going to disappear, but you will not die for a period of time, living/not living in agony and racking up medical bills. *repeating in my head* It's only a story...it's only a story...
I think you covered everything that a child would want or need to hear from a parent that's chosen this option. Take out the"dying" parts and give it to her now.

[Maria]

Thanks and I just paused for a moment before writing this, knowing that I will never choose this end, for God has given me new life and purpose, yet I tried my best to make it seem as real as possible and seeing it from my daughters own point of view, and believe me I tell her more than once a day how much I love her and drive her crazy...But yes indeed if all those that are in darkness, could see the light, and be guided by those that as me, came out from there to show them the hope that does exist for all of us.