The cold air surrounds me, and I realize it isn't,
The water is endless and without relent
I feel your presence beside me, lost in the dark
I reach out with my hand, and find my mark
Hand in hand, we ascend toward the moonlight
Legs kicking in a seemingly endless flight
Air is running out, we aren't near the surface,
There I recognize my life's true purpose
I pull you around and embrace you in a gentle kiss,
But this place is anything but bliss
You realize my intent, and try to pull away post haste,
Too late, my breath is yours, and yours not to waste
As I fall back to the depth of the sea
I give you my silent plea
Take my final gift and save yourself painful death
My most precious gift was my last breath
If you were crying, I could not tell
As you ascended and I fell
And while you made it to the surface of the water,
I made it even farther
I made it to the moon, and from there I will look down on you
And hope that you hold true
To your dreams, and that you live your dreams,
Not dream your life.
© 2009 Micco Gibson
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Author's Note
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Yes, the rhymes are a little sloppy, I wrote this at 1:00 in the morning, and like everything I write, I do it as I go, little pre-planning involved. If anyone has any suggestions to improving it (without changing too much ;) ) it would be greatly appreciated. ^^
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My Review
Featured Review
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This is a nicely done piece... gets across the idea of the sacrifice made for another. It has a strong rhyming structure that generally flows and keeps the poem moving forward, but the are a few difficult areas. Adding 'I realize it isn't' to force a rhyme with 'relent' is cumbersome, 'lost in the dark' and 'find my mark' seem contrived for purpose of a rhyme - especially since they're offset by commas, and 'but this place is anything but bliss' doesn't move things along and seems, again, inserted to force a rhyme (even ignoring the two 'buts' in one line). The poem has a wondeful feeling otherwise, the slow drift upward which could be SCUBA divers or could be simply two beings drifting apart. 'My most precious gift was my last breath' is the most powerful (and defining) line. I wonder if there is a way to make the last line a rhyming one (I'd personally like a strong rhyme and closing here), but that may not be your intent at all and the lack of rhyme may be the taa-Da that you're looking for. Good work. {-)
Posted 2 Weeks Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
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