I'm Not a Chain Smoker

I'm Not a Chain Smoker

A Story by Mip/John K. Brierley

Life is stressful with this psycho.

You know, being a badass is cool and all, but being only 15, you learn it's better to take stress relief where you can get it. I'm not a chain smoker but a herd of dragons, a flock, I don't know but it's stressful.
Especially when your partner on this job is a psycho b***h who likes to kill everything in sight.

"Come on Jacob, we need their scales to make some cash!" she screams at me.

"B***h, I got enough money, go do it yourself."

"B***h, I will f*****g feed you to a dragon if you don't focus on our job."

"I f*****g hate you." I grumble as I dodge a dragon's flames.


I pull out my pistols and set them to dragon piercing. If I'm gonna be forced to kill dragons I'm gonna make sure she makes as little money as possible from this.

Some time later.

"Money money money money so much money."

"Alright you red headed blue eyed pre-teen psycho. I don't care if you can shoot that bow of yours through a bowl of cheerios, we are finishing this job. Understood?"

"My name is Chelsea you black haired green eyed goth wannabe badass. You have your pistols strapped to your shoulders handles in the air like an idiot. All you have is that giant sword strapped to your back, where's that katana of yours anyway Hidden in that giant trenchcoat?"

"Actually yes."

I rest Katayana's edge on her shoulder.

"How did you even pull it out?" the awe literally covering her voice.

"I'm a badass, I don't have to tell you."

I put her away and walk off.

"What's our job Chelsea?"

Silence. Of course.

"We are about to sneak into a prison to break out an important individual of the Unimensions. Her name is August Caeser. She was named that way because her mother once was the ruler of her native planet. Her mother changed her name to Julia Caeser. Kinda unoriginal but she had a good long rule until August ended it. I was there when it happened, it was fascinating. Girl has a way with math, able to pinpoint exactly where anything will land based on the strength, angle, and the surrounding area. She used that to end it with horrifying ease while she danced to Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows in front of the world."

"She later revealed who she was to the whole world and became a spy. A real good one. She gets paid to steal information from very secure. But she got caught. She says she was betrayed but I personally hacked the camera the camera that viewed her getting caught and saw that she decided to use the bathroom. Turns out this place has bathroom lasers. Genius."

"You watched her pee, what a pervert."

"No I didn't watch her-forget it, point is, we're sneaking in to rescue her. I brought you because I heard you have a way with animals and this place likes their bloodhounds. I don't feel like dogs catching me cause they smelled my sweat."

"Is that it over there, the prison?"

I looked over at what she was pointing out and it was indeed the prison.
Cement. 10 stories high. The windows are protected by lasers. They call these quick suicide. These people are on death row, but they choose when they die. Age or lasers, take your pick. There is literally a dragon nest on top of the place. The place is literally painted red with blood. There needs to be a third literally but I can't find it.


"So what's the plan?"

"August has been sneaking through the vents of this placing charges all over, but her detonator was broken. She needs us to set one off to set them all off."

"That's it?"

"We're also the distraction while she escapes."

"God damn it."

"No need to curse, we'll be fine."

"You're not the one who has to pick bullets out of their scales."

"It's not my fault you're the daughter of Artemis either."

"So why am I here if we're the distraction?"

"I don't like killing dogs."

She looks at me like I'm crazy.

"It's just a dog."

"Dogs, and you're a psycho."

"Hunters kill the hunted, deal with it."

"This is why I'm glad you're the only one of your kind."

"It's not my fault my-"

"Nope nope don't care for your backstory, moving along then. All we need to do is shoot a missile at the top right corner of the wall we're facing."

"How can you even know it's there?" she growls at me distinctly dragony.

"I don't. She just said it's in the top right. I assume she put one on each top right."

"We don't have missiles."

"You don't. I have an autoreloader which lets me shoot any kind of bullet I want without having to reload as long as I don't run out of bullets."

I turn it to mini missiles and fire once.

"Watch the magic happen."

The whole roof explodes, instantaneously vaporizing the dragon and spelling in the air in stone fragments "Took you long enough".
I shake my head and look at Chelsea. Awe is on her face. I remember the first time I saw August do something like this.

"Let's go be a distraction Chelsea."

I begin to run.
I like this girl.
You like anyone with a decent pair of b***s Lilith.
I pull out my 'Giant Sword' Soulsalax and a pistol, set it to iron bullets, and charge, screaming "Long live the Red Queen!"
Skippity skippity do. Let's just get to that epic fight yeah!
150 guards armed with military grade weapons, 15 tanks and another dragon. Simple enough.
I plug in my headphones and put on Connect The Cuts.
30 FAMAS'es firing at once. I smile and use Soulsalax as a shield, firing around the corner with my pistol Death, keeping Liberty away.
29. 28. 27. 26. 25.
I throw my weapons in the air and unleash a torrent of hellfire, vaporizing them. Then I frontflip, dodging a missile from a tank and catching my weapons.
I see Chelsea taking out the tank that just shot at me, and hear their screams of agony. I turn up my music. That dragon strength of hers is ridiculous.
I land on a jeep, and quicly shoot the driver, then jump off, slicing the jeep in half with a spinning slash.
Here comes August.
Driving like this is just a nice neighborhood, popping caps off coke bottles.
I missed August. Her ebony skin, that long blonde hair, those curves, her silky voice-
I get it, she's hot.
Get out of my head with that please.

"Hey Jacob, nice work. Whose the ginger?"

"Chelsea Triz."

"Chelsea Triz, the daughter of Artemis? Didn't she-"

"Nope, don't care for her backstory. Can we go now or do we have to kill them all?"

"Surprised you killed any of them."

"Well the ginger as you put it is a psycho and these people have dragons out the a*s. Wait why isn't anyone firing?"

I look at Chelsea to see her just looking innocent admidst the dead.

"Psycho, total f*****g psycho."

"That's a nice bow and what's her sword made of?"

"Don't know, don't care, I want to be done with her."

"Well, this is a jeep."

I get in August's jeep.

"Where's Lilith at?"

Damn it. 
My demon skin peels itself off and becomes a pale black haired bi-sexual with black eyes, black lips, and tiny but noticeable curves.

"Right here." she purrs.

Chelsea hops in as drive by.

"Whose these two?"

"I'm Lilith and this sexy thing is August."

"Stop it, you're embaressing me. Wait I just remembered, Jacob stand up and look at the prison."

"Why, what'd you do?"
I stand up and turn around and recieve a baseball in the nuts. I fall off the jeep in pain.
She stops the jeep and calmly walks up to me.

"That's for telling me there wouldn't be floor lasers in the bathroom."

"You lied and said you were betrayed."

"By you. You a*****e."

"Still saved you."

"You're such a jerk."

"Hey guess what?"



She kicks me in the face. I don't normally resort to such stupid things but in August's case it's always worth it.

© 2014 Mip/John K. Brierley

Author's Note

Mip/John K. Brierley
Hope you had some laughs.

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After over 300 views and no reviews here is a thank you for your submission. Thanks and yeah it was funny. I hope the next thing you post does not fall into "Un-Reviewed" purgatory.

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Added on June 14, 2014
Last Updated on June 14, 2014
Tags: Jacob Deatrix, Unimensions


Mip/John K. Brierley
Mip/John K. Brierley

Deadville, IL

I'm a writer with big ideas and no motivation to put them down. Hopefully you don't mind younger me's writing cause compared to current me's, it's ramen noodles. more..