No Regrets

A man on death row reflecting on the choices that got him there. If you like this please check my other stories :)

Today is the day. I've been waiting for this moment for the past 11 years, and now that it's here, I can't feel anything. Who will grieve me? I have no family, no friends, I only ever loved one person, and she left this world some time ago. My entire life, wasted. I never knew my mother, I wish I hadn't known my father. I was seven when it started. The drinking, the rage, the fear, the beatings. I would sit in my room at nights and cry and cry, until I was empty. They took me from my dad when I was eight, and I went from home to home, like a stray.

As I grew up, I changed. My tears turned to anger, my sadness to hate. I was eleven when I lost myself. There was a boy, Martin, he and all his friends picked on me all the time. I was walking home from school when they stopped me, they pushed me around, they emptied my schoolbag on the ground. Anger isn't like how they tell you, there wasn't a red mist, time didn't slow, I didn't lose control. I knew exactly what I was doing as I did it, and I loved every second of it. I slammed my knee into his crotch, he keeled over.

His friends laughed, but they soon stopped. I raised my foot and stamped on his head, stamp, stamp, stamp. There was a dull thud as my foot made impact, as his face was pushed into the pavement. There was a snap and a crack as his teeth broke and he screamed out. His 'friends' ran, they wanted no part of it. I rolled him over, crouched next to him and looked into his eyes. He whimpered and tried to escape me, his eyes filled with fear, his face covered in blood. I looked him dead in the eye and told him if he ever touched me again I would rip his throat out. He whimpered again, tears streaming out of his eyes.

I got a therapist after that. He gave me pills, told me they'd help, but they never did. I still take a pill every day, just to deal with life, so maybe they're right, maybe I am insane, but I didn't do it. How could I have? I loved her too much. Anyway, after the incident with Martin, they moved me to another home, but I never settled in. I never settled anywhere again, none of it felt right. I just got worse.

Today is the day, and science marches on. I'm a trial, a test, an experiment. Death by nitrogen. How bitterly ironic, the one helpful thing I'll ever do is die. Apparently the painful bit of asphyxiation is the build up of carbon dioxide in the blood, by breathing in nitrogen gas I'll exhale normally but be deprived of oxygen, blacking out in forty five seconds, dead in seven minutes. My entire life, the past thirty six years, wiped out in seven minutes. My corpse will be incinerated. Not even cremated, incinerated, like industrial waste, like an unloved stillborn.

Today is the day, and I can remember everything. I remember when we met, her beautiful smile, her sparkling blue eyes, her happy laugh, her gentle touch. The way her blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders and down her back, the curves of her body. I remember the way she looked at me, the feel of her soft lips, the happiness I felt inside. She saved me from myself, she turned my life around. Maybe she didn't save me from myself. Maybe she just delayed me, paying with her life. It was never supposed to end like this. If I could go back, if I could change it, I would, I would give anything to see her again, to speak to her, to touch her one final time. But you can't live in the past, there are no second chances, I made my mistakes and now I'm paying.

There is no good without bad, and I can't remember the happy without the sad. She looked gorgeous, perfect, and that was when I knew I loved her. And when she told me she had to leave, I was devastated. I didn't mean to, it was wrong, and I've regretted it ever since, but I couldn't help myself. I lashed out. I remember the pain on her face, the tears in her eyes. I can still feel the splash of hot blood on me, still hear the cracking of bones, like twigs beneath my hands. I can hear the screams, ringing in my ears, like the toll of a bell. My anger was always going to cost me, from the moment Martin pushed me, I knew. My life was always going to end this way, but why her? The only one I'd ever loved. How cruel fate is.

Today is the day, and dawn is breaking. I look out of my cold, concrete cell. I can see a single tree in the distance, bathed in red, like crimson roses. I've looked at that tree for eleven years, watched it age and grow, watched it change with the seasons. It's autumn now, and as I watch leaves are drifting down, like sand pouring through an hour glass. But my time ended eleven years ago with her, my hourglass ran out and was turned over, and now it's about to be broken.

I can hear them walking down the corridor, three men coming for me, I hear the rattle of the keys in the lock, the whine of the heavy hinges. I feel sad, I look back on the past and see everything I've lost, everything that slipped away from me, it could have all been so different. I pray that God can forgive me for sending his angel back to him, we all make mistakes. We make our own choices in life, we have to take responsibility for them. I did it. I killed her. After eleven years of anguish and torment I can finally be at peace. Today is the day, my time has come. No regrets.

Reviews

[Dean Kuch®]

You have delved deeply into the mind of a tormented and condemned man. Is he a psychopath? Not really, he doesn't seem to kill to fufill a hunger or need. I'll admit, I actually felt a little sorry for the guy, for the way his life was ruined as a youth. We have all had our own 'Black-out momoment' I believe, where our anger gets so intense and uncontrollable...and that's a scary thing when it happens!
Nicely written, and very sad...

[Morenn]

Thank you very much, wrote this for my English exam and got the top grade, I think it's probably my best piece of work so I'm glad you liked it :)