New Age Banker

New Age Banker

A Story by The John Fredrick Carver

What can I do to raise my income a sizable fraction of my total income? What if I find a way to increase the number of overdrafts, charges on say bounced checks and late payments of new fees and refuse to grant any lenience payments on interest payments actually raising the interest incrementally capping it off at say twenty, no make that twenty-four and three quarters percent? It will just be an annoyance we can convince customers is their lack of expertise in account management

But I would have to add incentives just in case they become too annoyed. How about five percent of normal fees for accounts that go over two-hundred, no two-hundred fifty dollars a month, five-hundred dollars every two months and an entry into a drawing for one of those new cars that dealership is sponsoring. That will bring a sizable increase while they get excited about the incentives and do not realize that at that high of an amount we should not even have charges we bring in such an increase.

Are you a senior programmer?” she asked a man.

Yes,” he replied, “I thought you knew that for sure?”

Are you free now,” she asked as if expecting him not to be.

Yes,” he replied looking around, “At least I was. This cannot wait. What is it?”

'He is sharp,” she thought, 'He covered that up very smoothly.'

We have to take checks and credit card payments in immediately now beginning right away. Deposits made after noon cannot count as a deposit until the following day or if a weekend is involved until noon Monday. No more leniency on all loans and charge up point four seven five on the principle and not the interest payment alone to discourage that. There is just too much of that in his opinion. Cap it off at twenty-four and three-quarters. That ought to be stiff enough to see it had to be an emergency. Cut our regular fees by five percent for accounts that increase their deposits five-hundred dollars bi-monthly and with each such account enter them into a drawing for a new car from that new car dealership. How about you pick the type of car they sponsor. That ought to impress the losers and keep everyone happy for the New Year. Draw up a promotional estimate and have it on my desk before Friday.”

Friday is tomorrow!” he asked. “Okay then tomorrow. That will be fine,” she replied. “That it is then.”

Then she took off early and went home but in the morning a proposal was on her desk. She read it and was surprised that the expected income was that high. So she buzzed her man.

When he came in she said, “This is perfect. Good work but print this up all in a small print that is barely legible making it tedious to read. You know the procedure, emphasize the car but put the whole deal in highly legible white lettering on a red background with the Five-hundred dollars looking like the prize with a picture of the car behind it. Make it big. Put the deal on the car's side door and place a huge blurb saying, “Win! Win! Win!” above it and a smaller but still noticeable blurb saying, “This car!” with party things all over on both blurbs. Get to it you only have until tonight. I want it to all start on Monday!”

It was done; all she had to do was watch the increase add up on her dividends. Why she kept saying, “He,” and, “Him,” all the time she did not know. Instinct just told her it leaned toward more urgency somehow. Nothing was as important as paying the interest on the Porsche and only to have that stuntman crash it to pieces! He was expensive but what a find! Just think no more petty embezzlement payments of any kind.

Hello?” she asked a man in an almost cheap suit they ushered to her desk while she was thinking, 'What kind of swindle is he up to?' Then she said, “My! those suits do make the eyes pop and they're so economical too! They look like they are the real thing and they are so amazingly low priced for what they appear to be. I have to get me one! Well, Mister? Let me see here?”

It's just like the dealership on the other side of the town,” he said with a smile.

Yes, I see,” she said thinking, 'Dealership!' then added, “Are you the one that is looking to sponsor a new car! I love it, I really do. I thought I might be dealing with some fly by night flimflam man in a lurch! I am so glad I am not. Why look at you! I have seen you around the Country Club! No I actually have! Are your married or anything?”

I'm not married but in a messy divorce,” he began to then say. “I have tried but not hard to begin a membership in a way. But I've never allowed an immediate thought of it all in my mind! It's unlikely you saw me at your unimaginably luxuriant club.”

Such a wonderful and gorgeous man!” she replied. “I have a friend that is very wealthy and looking just for such a man. You interested?”

No,” he replied, “I have kids and my wife she doesn't like to have kids. They are often in opposition to her life as a loose and a lazy individualistic and privately managed enormously fun lifestyle.”

Kids!” she asked, “Do you mean them little monsters running around and getting sick at the worst of times? How many kids do you have?”

'Why must I schmooze a man like this. I mean what am I to get from any of this?' she was thinking for about a half an hour.

'Cut down on the chatting about just as fast as a rabbit in race with a wolf!' he already began to let the untamed and annoying amount of a boisterous laugh that was most of the time as endearing as he got in a meeting or had gotten on purpose and hurriedly said, “And about the annoying perfectly blue or is it Scion-?”

'A Scion!' hit her brain the worst of spots, 'Who would want to win a Scion?' whatever that was; a car she presumed. “Yes?” she said, “I am so excited but can I be the first to drive the thing?”

I cannot at the moment afford the amount of the give away,” he replied, “Can you take an uncertain amount of expense from my plate?”

'Twenty-four and three quarters percent off the top!' she thought. 'Here's a prime candidate! My first and only mark!' Then she said outright, “I will write you a loan for the full amount. You just don't worry about it the slightest bit. I'll even throw in the perks on our new promotional starting tomorrow afternoon. You get five percent off the normal fees, and a shot at your new car in which case you pay nothing down or nothing at all. The car is yours if you win and you will drive it off your lot,” as she thought, 'What chance can he ever have anyway of winning the Scion anyway?'

When the time for the drawing had come the salesman was not only the winner he dropped his account when he was yet there in the bank. He got the car. She got a bill. It is not that often a banker looses like that.

Her “me” was God. He needed a car. She needed a lesson on what to swindle many people was and God and how he would never do that. Her scheme failed, she lost her car, the stuntman got drunk and was arrested. She hadn't believed in the New Age. He was a Christian that decided he had no choice in the matter at all. The New Age of God is here!!!


© 2017 The John Fredrick Carver



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Added on November 9, 2017
Last Updated on November 11, 2017

Author

The John Fredrick Carver
The John Fredrick Carver

Bemidji, MN



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