Why Mom?

I grew up with an abusive mother. After divorcing my "father" she wasn't emotionally nor mentally stabled. She was angry all the time and took it out on us every time.

Why Mom?

I barely remember you in my childhood.

The only memories that were clear were when you broke your leg

The time you bought us shaved ice cream.

Your happy smile when you and dad had parties over the weekend.

Then after dad left, it was just blurry.

I just remember constantly blocking you out.

I just remember the stinging pain of you hands.

The sounds of the belt whipping back and forth.

The hot tears running down my face.

The thought of you hating me constantly running through my head.

3 yrs later, I learned to numb my nerves.

Detached my soul from my body.

Shut down my brain.

I couldn't kill my heart though.

It hurt constantly every single time 

and every single time, I asked Why Mom?

I'm sorry, over and over again I'm sorry.

I wish I can take all your pain away.

I wish I can handle this pain so you'd feel better

Do you feel better?

I love you...

You could never say those words.

Like it was forbidden...

I won't leave you or betray you like Dad.

I tried to understand you, but you would never let me in.

It was always a constant battle for your love

and I lost every time.

My heart is now black and blue

Bruised from what I can never have.

My sadness turn into anger.

My thoughts turned dark, now I don't wanna help you

I wanna hurt you, inflict the same pain done to me.

I left and rebelled.

I relied on men to give me the love I never got from you.

It was never enough, like how I was never enough for you.

When we laughed, we laughed so much

but when we fought, we saw blood every single time.

I stand lost..

I'm so lost because I don't know whats worse

The fact that I have to beg for your love

or the fact that I'm letting this toxic person in my life.

But...you gave me this life.

So I ask again, Why mom...Why did you let me live?

When you knew I was that other man's child, Why didn't you abort?

When you told me countless time that I was stupid, why didn't you abandon me?

When you found me on the cold floor covered in my blood, why didn't you let me die?

Now I have to have this constant battle whether or not to love you or hate you.

I have this constant battle whether or not to call you my mother.

I have this constant battle with myself saying I should know better

but...I still love you.

Why Mom?

Author's Note

Like most poetry I do, Whenever I feel lost or depress. I write and I let the words flow without correcting. I just write from my heart and I let it all out. So please excuse grammar mistakes.