His bride

His bride

A Story by Najam Us Saher
"

Story about a girl who meets the wife of a person whom she loved once.

"

      It was today that she was going to meet the wife of the person she loved once. She tried not to express any supressed feelings in front of her as she didn't want to cause any troubles for the couple. She moved on and it was a long time ago that she loved him. She always wondered and thought about his future bride when she was sure that she wasn't the one. She prayed and dreamt his happiness and today all of his wishes came true. She wanted to be the reason behind his smile and dreamt their future together but it was not in their fate to be together. There she was, his bride sitting gracefully with a smile.
      Many thoughts ran in her mind and she didn't know how to start a conversation.
"I have heard a lot about you" said his bride.
She was satistifed thinking she said something and broke that awkward silence. 
"Yeah I am well known in my family and friends" she replied.
"How are your studies going on?" 
"It couldn't be any good I was ranked a topper in previous exams" she said with confidence.
"What about you?" She asked her.
"I've discontinued my studies a long time back" said his bride with a feeling of regret.
"That's so sad to hear. What are your hobbies?" She asked his bride.
"Finding happiness in whatever I do" she replied.
"That's an answer I've never heard of before. I am good at sports too whenever you are free we could have a game together." She said to his bride.
"I am not really good at sports" she replied.
"Do you like shopping?" She asked.
"I am happy that my basic needs gets fulfilled" replied his bride. 
She was a bit annoyed by her replies thinking that they don't have anything in common to talk about.
"You don't study, you are not interested in sports either you are not a shopaholic I wonder what interests you. I am better than you" she said expressing her anger.
"I am the wife of the person you loved once" was the reply of his bride.
Hearing this her pride was scattered, deep sense of regret and guilt filled her heart and she shed a tear. 


© 2017 Najam Us Saher



My Review

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Reviews

Ok...
The idea behind the story is very good. When I read the description I was really intrigued.
However...the execution had me confused. I'd be happy to write a constructive critique covering my full opinion, but for now I'll just say this:
I felt like I was told a story, which left me waiting for it to actually begin. You could have better shown it.
Most of the setup isn't necessary.
Setting is lacking. I get the feeling they're at a wedding, but actually have no idea, which left me with floating head syndrome.
The last bit of dialogue feels unrealistic.
And I think this could really benefit from a first person POV.

Good things?
That comeback had me reeling :)
I like that it's a snapshot of a larger story.
At first it reminded me of Adele's "someone like you." Then she got angry...
I like that no one has a name
And again, I find the idea really intriguing

I see much potential within these words. The bones of a good short are there.
I'm always nervous about posting a comment that isn't a rave review. However, who am I to ask for honesty, and not give it myself?

Posted 2 Months Ago


Najam Us Saher

2 Months Ago

I am really happy to read your honest review. I am not good at writing stories I agree.
Thi.. read more
A few grammatical errors and a bit disjointed. Interesting choice of plot though, and could definitely be used in a wider story, as it is it merely seems like a scene cut from a wider piece? Keep writing though, practice will polish this one to a shine.

Posted 2 Months Ago


Najam Us Saher

2 Months Ago

Sure, thank you very much :)
The last line is so impressive! I could sense the whole picture while reading this! Keep writing :) So beautiful your composition is :)

Posted 10 Months Ago


Najam Us Saher

10 Months Ago

I am glad to know that you found this to be amazing. Thank you so much ☺
Awww.. so heart touching.. once again. I actually want to shed a tear for the woman. They are the complete opposite of each other. You did an amazing job once again. ^^

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

MagicalLover

10 Months Ago

Aww I'm glad they are making your day ^^ It's just true opinion though. You just know how to touch p.. read more
Najam Us Saher

10 Months Ago

My heart is leaping in joy to hear such kind and honest words, you are a very warm and kind person :.. read more
MagicalLover

10 Months Ago

You're a very kind person too ^^
This is amazing. So simple yet so smart. The things you said in this short story are very meaningful. Great stuff, please write more such pieces.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Najam Us Saher

1 Year Ago

I will give it a try. Thank you very much for kind words, it means a lot.
I'll be honest, this is one of the best pieces I've ever read on this site. Don't , don't take this compliment lightly.

And because I never leave a review with out some well intended criticism.

Couple of spelling errors

Please review a piece of mine

Posted 1 Year Ago


Najam Us Saher

1 Year Ago

I will take a look, thank you very much for reading I am grateful to you. Feel free to read my poems.. read more
Heart touching.... N emotional..... 😒

Posted 1 Year Ago


Najam Us Saher

1 Year Ago

Indeed...Thank you so much for reading... I appreciate it.
urgh!! ouch! now that hurts...nice story najam, i loved it!!

Posted 1 Year Ago


Najam Us Saher

1 Year Ago

Thank you very much for reading. I am really happy to know that you liked it ☺
Woah! It was a deep and meaningful ending there.

Posted 1 Year Ago


Najam Us Saher

1 Year Ago

Thank you very much...I am really very happy to know that you liked it :)
I really loved reading it Najam ji

Posted 1 Year Ago


Najam Us Saher

1 Year Ago

Thank you so much. :)

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Added on July 2, 2017
Last Updated on July 3, 2017

Author

Najam Us Saher
Najam Us Saher

Hyderabad, India



About
Some people want to live long so that they are remembered for a long time, I want to live a little and want to be remembered forever. All the noises in my head, all the words unsaid, all the emotio.. more..

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