Warmth Part 3

Part 3 of 4 of Warmth

XII

Ever since I got back from Alabama, I made it a point to take Pine out in public with me more often. Many times when I needed to go out and run errands, I’d open my car door and offer Pine the passenger seat. He almost never refused. He always seemed willing to hop in the car and ride anywhere with me.

It was never anything special, just taking him to the bank or grocery store or something, but I wanted Pine to spend more time outside the house. I also wanted to make Pine not so damn terrified of other humans.

When I first found Pine, he would quite literally cower at the sight of any person that wasn’t me. Since then he made another friend with James, but he still didn’t have much experience dealing with people, and usually, since we’d be on a walk or at the dog park, he’d be around dogs anyway, which would lower is inhibitions.

On the first few quick trips, Pine definitely acted nervous around other people. He would always stay very close to me and act suspicious towards any person who got within ten feet. Over time his apprehension was replaced with mere disinterest. He didn’t act scared, he’d just put on his poker face and not stray too far from me. He was able to blend in and be inconspicuous without much effort.

Still, I’m a creature of habit. I usually return to the same places around the same times in a rough schedule, and I had been in that area for years. This meant that I was familiar with many of the employees and other patrons at the establishments I frequented, some merely by sight, but others on a first name basis. This meant I would get asked who Pine was quite often when he was with me.

Pine’s social skills were nonexistent. If he didn’t feel comfortable putting his hands on a person, he’d not try anything, but putting him out in public taught him a couple social niceties. He picked up nodding in greeting at whoever I would be introducing him to, shaking hands that were being held out in front of him, even smiling when he suspected that he’d been given a compliment.

Having social anxiety myself, I understood Pine’s feelings to some extent. So often when I’d be out in public I’d just imagine everybody looking at me, judging me about every stupid little thing. It would make the world seem like a cruel place, but as I went out in public more and more I came to realize that they were nothing but voices in my head. I’ve yet to find a way to make those voices actually go away, and I may never will, but I’ve learned how to ignore them for the most part.

I had long suspected that Pine had not been treated well in his previous life, considering the horrible dreams he had and his distrust to other people in general. I couldn’t confirm that, but if it were true, it would explain a lot. Pine just had to slowly learn that not everyone wanted to hurt him, that his suspicion and paranoia was unfounded. Eventually he learned to adapt, and he seemed willing to go anywhere as long as I was with him.

Only two really memorable things happened that December before Christmas. The first was that I was finally able to take off my brace. It felt good to finally not have to be so ginger with that arm, to move my left hand freely without tugging on a sling that attached my wrist to my neck. Most of all, it felt good to finally use both hands on Pine again. My movements had been restricted before, but now things were back to normal. Not wanting to tempt fate, I hired somebody to clean my gutters for me that year.

The other thing that happened was that Pine experienced his first snow. It was early in December, before I even had the brace removed, and I looked out the window one day to see snow falling lightly. Quickly I got Pine in his anorak and led him outside. I expected him to get cold and want to go back inside almost immediately, but he did seem interested in the snow. He held out his bare hand to catch the flakes, watching closely as they would land on his palm and dissolve. Still, he went right back inside a few minutes later.

The days went by and eventually it came time for us to go to Alabama for Christmas. The car ride there was uneventful. It had been the longest Pine had experienced, and he spent most of it very bored. He would sleep, play with his hair or necklace, even reach over to touch me on occasion.

Still, that car ride was the shortest ten hours I had ever experienced. It seemed to zip by without me even realizing it. In a short time, we were back at my house again. I just sat in the car for a moment, preparing myself for what was about to happen.

I turned to address Pine. “Okay, it’s too late to turn back now.”

I walked to the front door with Pine by my side. I grabbed the door knob and found it unlocked. Normally I would just let myself in, but instead I knocked on the door.

A few moments later my mother answered. She warmed up when she saw me.

“Hey, Zach.”

Then she noticed who was next to me. She smiled.

“You must be Pine. It’s nice to meet you.”

Pine and nodded at the greeting before I cut in. “Mom, if you want to be fully introduced to Pine, it’s gonna take some time. May I bring my stuff in first? I want to talk to both you and Dad about this.”

She gave me a weird look. “Okay, if you say so.”

I went inside to greet Dad and put my bags in my old room. The whole time Pine just stood to the sidelines, watching.

The four of us gathered in the den. I instructed Pine to lay on the couch and he complied, curling up on his side. Without any preamble I told both of my parents the whole story, only leaving out some choice details I knew they wouldn’t want to hear about. I told them how I found Pine, took him in, and the unabridged events of the day my arm broke. This took a while, much longer than when I told the story to James since so much had happened since then.

About halfway through the story, Pine got up from the couch and walked over to Dad, who was nearest to him, looking at him curiously. Pine tentatively held out his hand and touched my father’s leg. This happened past the point in the story where I told him what that touching signified, so he wasn’t surprised, just interested. After a minute he stopped and curled up on the carpet, resting at Dad’s feet. Mom got up from her chair and sat on the floor next to him. Without prompting, Pine touched her interestedly. When she petted his head, he nuzzled her.

Eventually I was done. I looked at them, waiting for their reactions. They knew that I was telling the truth, I couldn’t lie to them if I tried. Not to mention, Pine just displayed his mannerisms right in front of them. The silence went on for so long I asked “Well?”

Mom looked up from Pine to me.

“Well, sweetie, it’s just a lot to take in. I’ve never seen anybody like this before.”

Dad nodded in agreement.

“Do you have any questions?” I asked them.

Mom laughed. “Yes, but if I asked them all to you now we’ll be here all day. How about we eat dinner instead?”

I grinned from ear to ear. “That sounds wonderful.”

I had no idea I was so worried about.

 

As Pine got more accustomed to my parents over the course of the week he lived with them he developed his own reactions and demeanors towards them. I was starting to think that Pine just used his first impressions to guide how he saw a person.

Pine clearly saw Dad as a protective force. There wasn’t much active affection as much as just making it known how safe he felt around him. He would sit or lay down at my father’s feet many times. Pine would even sit in his lap. Dad was so much bigger that Pine looked like a child next to him, and he definitely acted like one. Whenever he was near my father he tended to curl into a fetal position. If he was sitting on my dad’s lap he would bury his face into his chest, often falling asleep against it. Dad would act annoyed, but he didn’t seem to mind all that much.

While Pine seemed to become lethargic and submissive around Dad, he’d be a whirlwind of energy whenever he was near Mom. It reminded me of how he would be around Comet. He’d always be doing something, touching her or nuzzling her. Once she got accustomed to it she’d respond in kind. She would kiss him and hug him and lay her hands all over him. She clearly thought that Pine was adorable and saw him the way she would a baby or puppy, and Pine was more than happy to comply.

I was fully aware how strange it was to interact with Pine. He’d be so physical, so responsive to touch. He acted mostly like a dog, but he was a human. There’s definitely some dissonance to that, but they saw past it pretty quickly, and I think it was because he clearly had such a strong attachment to me. Even despite how much he liked my parents, he would still gravitate towards me more often than not. He’d curl up in my presence the way he would with Dad as well as get energized around me like the way he did around Mom.

My father told me that he and Mom really liked the way I would light up whenever Pine was around. Since puberty, I’d been a very reclusive kind of person. I’d back away from interaction and stifle emotions for fear of judgment, but when I was around Pine I’d be completely different. I’d invite the company and be outward with all my feelings. Mom said that I’d look happy in a way that I didn’t look very often.

They liked Pine a lot and seemed to regard him as a family member without much effort. When I told them how much he loved it, Mom even made a batch of meat sauce. Pine was in a state of bliss the whole time it was cooking, losing himself to the aroma. They even got Pine a Christmas gift, and it was a pretty big one. On the 20^th or 21^st, my dad told me that there was a park nearby with a long nature trail. He suggested that I go check it out since he knew that I liked hiking. My mom added that I should take Pine with me. It sounded like a good idea, something that wouldn’t have required much prodding for me to consider. Still, I could tell that they just wanted me and Pine out of the house for whatever reason. I let them have their secrets and was out with Pine for much of the day, packing lunches for the both of us.

When I got back Pine made a beeline for the den. I followed him there and saw him underneath the boughs of the Christmas tree, rolling around and acting like was having the time of his life. I had no idea what was going on until I got close enough to notice the smell. My parents had an artificial tree set up before we even came to visit, one that could be left up for as long as desired, but this was a real tree.

Using a real tree as a Christmas tree has its charm but is mostly a pain in the a*s. The needles would fall constantly and you’d have to take it down sooner rather than later. What really blew my mind is that they went to the effort of taking down the tree they had already set up and setting up a new one in its place, just so Pine could enjoy a smell. I thanked them for it so many times they got annoyed with me about it.

Things were great and peaceful until the night of the 23^rd.

 

XIII

           On the night before Christmas Eve, my mother asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with her and Dad. It wasn’t really something they ever asked me to do, but Mom used that tone that moms use to indicate that they aren’t really asking a question. I went to get Pine, but she told me to just leave Pine in the den.

My dad drove the three of us to a park that’s on the other side of the neighborhood. The three of us walked a little, but after that Mom confirmed my worst suspicions.

“Sweetie, we need to talk to you about something.”

I seriously considered running away as fast as I could, but I resisted.

“Sure,” I replied, trying not sound as nervous as I was. “What’s up?”

“Zach, it’s about Pine.” Dad said.

I raised an eyebrow. “What about him?”

Mom grabbed my hand. “Zach, don’t you think it’s time you start thinking about filing a police report?”

I felt like she just punched me in the throat. Somehow, they knew that I had thought about it, but never went through with it.

I set my jaw. “I spent that whole first night looking for a missing person report for Pine. I never found one. I figured that filing a report would be unnecessary.”

Dad folded his arms. “You know that it would help.”

I clenched my teeth again but didn’t answer.

“You should also get him looked at by a doctor,” Mom said. “Maybe then you can find out what’s wrong with Pine, maybe even find a cure for it.”

That’s something I had also thought about but never got around to. No, I could have gotten around to it, but I didn’t want to.

“Look, we know you don’t wanna hear this, but this is what’s best for Pine,” said Dad.

I felt my temper rise. “How is that, exactly? He’s happy. I’m happy.”

Mom put her hand on my shoulder. “Look, we know you love Pine, but these are things that you need to do, for his sake.”

I took a deep breath and said something I immediately wished I hadn’t. “I don’t see any reason to do those things right now.”

My dad lost his patience.

“Somebody may have been taking care of Pine before you found him. They may think that he’s dead. Ever thought of that?”

 For a second, I didn’t even know how to react. Dad had never talked to me like that before.

Dad went on. “He may have brain cancer or something you need to catch early on. Do you really think nothing is wrong with his head?”

Mom turned to him. “Honey, that’s enough.”

Dad wasn’t done. He said something that made me feel like he just shot me in the face.

“What if there’s a cure for whatever Pine’s got? What if you’re keeping him like this?”

I lost all control.

“SHUT UP!!!”

It had been a long time, several years, since I lost my temper completely. All my self-doubt, all my insecurities, everything came to head at that moment. I yelled at both of them with all that I had.

“SHUT UP!! YOU DON’T KNOW HIM LIKE I DO! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!!!”

I tried to storm off but made it about five feet before my legs gave out and I sank to the ground. Emotions are powerfully unpredictable. In one instant, like a switch had been flipped, all the anger turned into despair. I started crying.

I knew they were right about these things. Everything Dad had just said were things I’d thought myself at some level. They were basic steps towards getting Pine cured or found that I chose not to do because I didn’t want to lose him.

The anger I let loose on my parents reared its head at me. I tried to stifle the tears, but I couldn’t. I buried my face into my hands.

A few seconds later I felt Dad sit on the ground next to me and wrap his arms around my shoulders. I could tell that Mom was nearby as well.

It was all wrong. They shouldn’t be trying to comfort me. They should hate me.

I didn’t want to look at them. I didn’t want them to see my face.

I heard my mother’s voice. “Sweetie, I know it’s tough. Being a parent isn’t easy.”

I kept sobbing, trying as hard as I could to regain composure to no effect. I felt her hand on my head.

“These aren’t things that you have to do right now. They’re just things that you should keep in mind.”

I heard my Dad’s voice in my ear. “I’m sorry, Zach. That was too far. I shouldn’t have said those things.”

I was finally able to find a thin, shaky voice. “No. You’re right. I just…” I bit my lip. I tried to take a deep breath before continuing.

“I’ve already hurt him. When I got injured, Pine almost broke. You didn’t see how much he was crying. You never heard how loud he screamed. It made me feel like a monster.”

I heard Mom crouch down on the other side of me.

“For what? Making Pine care about you?”

I kept trying to take deep breaths, to calm down. It wasn’t working.

“I know I’m being selfish. I know I’m doing everything I can so that Pine stays with me. It’s just that…Pine gave my life a new purpose. He makes me feel special. I don’t want to lose that.”

They didn’t say anything.

I wept for a few more minutes before I got back enough control to raise my head. The scenery around me swam into focus.

“Can we go home?” I asked weakly.

Without a word they led me to the car and gave me a ride back to the house. I looked at the clock on the dashboard, seeing that it was 10:00 PM.

When we got back to the house my parents both hugged me and told me they loved me before retiring to their room. They knew what I wanted to do.

I walked to the den and saw Pine laying by the Christmas tree. He got up to come greet me, but when he got a good look at my face he stopped dead in his tracks.

I couldn’t blame him. I had cried a little in front of Pine in the past, but just a couple of tears at most. This was far and away the most upset he had ever seen me.

He reacted without hesitation. He sat me down on the floor and got on my lap so he could wrap his arms and legs around my torso, hugging me with his whole body.

I wanted to push him away. I wanted to make him leave. I wanted to scream that I wasn’t worth so much compassion.

I couldn’t. I just sat there and clamped my eyes shut as the tears came back full force. Pine used one of his hands to lightly rub my back. His grip on my body was frim, but that touch was so gentle.

Tears poured through my closed eyes. I whimpered like a baby. My body heaved with every sob. Pine just held on.

At that moment, I didn’t want to cheer up. I didn’t want to calm down. I didn’t want to regain control. I let the rising tide of emotions carry me away.

 

The waves threw me around in a horrific storm. The water crashed into my body over and over again. I was drowning. I was so disoriented that I couldn’t even find the surface anymore. I felt like my body would be ripped to shreds and the currents would take my remains far away.

That didn’t happen, though. The entire time, I was vaguely aware of something tethering me to the land, keeping me from going too far out.

I don’t know how long I was lost in the onslaught. I was thrashed and pummeled and beaten until there was nothing left of me.

After an eternity, it slowly dawned on me that it was over. The waves had calmed and the storm had cleared. I was simply floating beneath the surface. On the other side I felt a presence, something warm and inviting. I wanted to go to it.

Using the last ounce of strength I had, I kicked up and resurfaced.

 

I opened my eyes. I was back in the den of my old house. Pine was still holding me, but his grip had loosened. I looked to see that he had fallen asleep with his body wrapped around mine. Any other time I would have taken the time to marvel at that, but not then. I was too numb.

Instead I just lightly kissed each of his closed eyelids and adjusted his position so I could hold him. I stood up and carried him to my old room. I didn’t have him on my back like at the dog park, nor was he in a fireman’s carry like when I found him asleep in front of the hearth. Now I was holding him in my arms. I used one hand to support his head and let his limbs drape down.

I was holding him like a mother would carry her newborn, or how a groom would carry his bride.

Without bothering to undress him I lay him down on the bed. I only took my shoes off myself before I paused.

I thought about how Pine had kept me anchored, been my lifeline that stopped me from being swept away. There was something so protective and caring about that. I wanted that feeling to continue, at least for a little bit longer.

For the first time, I got in bed in front of Pine, moving backwards until I felt his body against my back. Reflexively he wrapped an arm and leg around me. Still asleep, he let out a contented sigh right in my ear.

His body was so warm. On my back, I could feel his heart beating.

I was hit with a soul-crushing tiredness. Without fear I leapt into the abyss, knowing that I’d be safe with Pine at my side.

 

XIV

I awoke. It was daytime. Pine was embracing me still. I didn’t want to move. If I had the choice, I would have stayed in his arms forever, but I knew I couldn’t. I rose to a sitting position and lightly nudged Pine until he woke up.

We were in my childhood bedroom. We had both slept fully clothed, so our clothing was stiff and didn’t smell great. I got us both out of bed to walked us to the kitchen.

I wasn’t grabbing his wrist like I normally did. I held his hand. We didn’t do that very often, but I had to admit that at that moment I liked the feeling of our fingers interlocking, his hand mating to mine. I liked it a lot.

Mom and Dad were waiting for us in the kitchen.

“Hello, sweetie.” Mom said.

I smiled. “Good morning. What’s for breakfast?”

I heard Dad snort and I turned to him.

“It’s a little late for that, kiddo. You could have lunch if you want.”

I looked at the clock. It was 12:30 PM. I sighed.

Mom heated up some leftover spaghetti and meat sauce for Pine and I. She told me that she would feed Pine. I ate, occasionally looking over at her gently pushing the food into his mouth. I realized that that must be what I lookd like whenever I gave Pine food. James often jokingly referred to me as Pine’s “Mom,” but the look she gave Pine was just like the one I did. Maybe I took after my mother more than I thought.

Dad didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to, he comforted me with his presence as I ate. For the umpteenth time, I wondered what I did to deserve so much love, so much affection, from Pine and my parents as well. I didn’t think I could make it up to them.

When I was finished I addressed both of my parents.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you last night. I shouldn’t have done that, you were just trying to help me. And I’m sorry for making you worry. I think I’m gonna be okay.”

Dad nodded in reply and Mom smiled warmly. “It’s okay, Zachary. You were going through a lot.”

I paused and realized with surprise that it was Christmas Eve. That gave me an idea.

“Can Pine come to the service with us tonight?”

Every Christmas when I came home, we would go to the church for the Christmas Eve service. It would be simple, with songs and readings, but at the very end everybody in the chapel would hold a lit candle and they would provide all the light. It was my favorite moment of the night and I wanted Pine to be with me for it.

“I don’t see why not,” Dad said, “but I don’t think Pine has any clothes for it.”

That hadn’t occurred to me. I brushed that aside. “That’s okay. I’ll go out and buy some today.”

Mom interjected. “How about I do that? That way you two can take your time getting ready.”

I smiled and nodded.

A little bit later, I walked Pine over to the large bathroom. After I moved out, my parents had upgraded the master bath, adding a great shower and a huge tub. I loved using it whenever I visited, and now I had somebody to share it with.

First, I needed to gather supplies. I had a lot planned and didn’t want to stop in the middle to get something I had forgotten.

Once I was sure I had everything in its right place, I took the clothes off of me and Pine. I folded it all and put it into a laundry basket, Pine’s necklace placed on top. After I pushed the basket out the door, I closed it and turned on the hot water in the bath.

I poured in oils, salts, and bubble bath in with the water. Once the tub was full, I got us both in. The tub was big enough that we fit, but had to stay close. I didn’t mind. We soaked, the nourishing liquid penetrating our skin, occasionally submerging ourselves completely.

We were in contact the entire time. If we weren’t hugging each other, we were holding hands. Every minute or so, Pine would lean in and nuzzle my face or neck. I always responded with a kiss, laying them on his chin, eyes, nose, cheeks, and forehead.

When most of the bubbles were gone and the water had cooled somewhat, I moved on to the next step. I got us into the shower, the water warm the way I knew Pine liked it. After letting the water wash over us, I started cleaning Pine. I gently soaped his body until his skin glistened. I washed his hair into a slick, smooth curtain. Instead of sending him off, I let him stay as I moved on to myself. Pine just stood there patiently, reaching out to touch me every so often.

When we left the shower, Pine grabbed a towel, but I stopped him. I dried him off myself, making sure he was fully dry before I even reached for my own towel. I moved on to the finishing touches.

I sat Pine down so I could brush his teeth, comb his hair, and shave his face. Once he was smooth, I sat down in front of a small mirror and did the same to myself. After I finished I stood up and turned to look at Pine.

He stood before me, naked as Adam, completely trusting and comfortable in my presence. His eyes glimmered and he had that little smile of his.

He didn’t look like a human; he looked more like an angel.

I walked closer and hugged him tightly. He returned the hug, pulling our bodies closer together. I felt his skin against mine. After we pulled apart, I kissed his forehead and told him that I loved him. I figured that that would be the perfect way to end things.

After I put towels on our waists, I walked us over to my room. When we passed Dad doing something on his laptop, he glanced at us and smirked. As I went through the kitchen, I looked at the clock and saw that we had somehow been in there for nearly two hours.

Mom had bought dress pants and a nice shirt for Pine. That evening, after we were both dressed in the semiformal attire, she grinned ear to ear when she saw us. I thought she was going to cry, or even worse try to take a picture, but she just hugged us.

That evening, I lay my hand on Pine’s thigh for the church service. At that moment at the very end, I saw the dim room illuminated with hundreds of candles. When I turned to Pine, I could see the candlelight reflected in his eyes. It was an amazing moment, divine in its perfection. I didn’t want it to end.

After the service, I walked up to the front of the chapel alone. I got on my knees and thanked God with all my heart. I thanked Him for the year I had, the blessings I received, and most of all for the people in my life who loved me unconditionally. I was crying lightly by the end of it. When I returned to my family, I caught the end of a conversation Mom was having with one of her friends. She casually referred to Pine as her “new son.”

I asked her about it as we were walking to the car and she laughed.

“I thought I already told you about that. Yes, of course Pine is part of the family now.” She turned to him and held his face, just like I would.

“You’re my boy now, too,” She told him. “Don’t you ever forget that.”

Once again, I was reminded how much I acted like she did when I was around Pine. I was starting to think that describing me as Pine’s “mom” was more accurate of a description that I would have liked to admit.

Oh, well. I decided that if I was Pine’s mom, I would simply commit to be the best mom I could be.

The rest of Christmas Eve was peaceful. The four of us watched movies and relaxed near the tree.

Once it was time to sleep, I brought Pine to my room with me. I stripped us both down completely, leaving only Pine’s necklace between the two of us before I got us under the covers.

For a time, we simply lay facing each other, our foreheads touching lightly. Then Pine did something that surprised me. He cupped my face in his hands and leaned in to lightly kiss my forehead, imitating the gesture I had used on him so many times before. I responded accordingly, lightly nuzzling the hollow of his throat with my nose. When I did that, he let out a purr so quiet I felt it more than heard it.

After cuddling a bit more, Pine turned around and I held him tightly in my arms. Without clothing there was no barrier between our bodies, nothing separating me from Pine’s warmth. It felt incredible.

I drifted off to sleep. It was the perfect way to end what had to have been the best day of my life.

 

XV

The plan was that Pine and I would leave on the morning of Boxing Day. It was on our final night there that Pine had a night terror, and it was the worst one he had had yet.

He woke me up with wriggling and squirming, but it didn’t take long for me to notice that it was way worse than it normally was. I had to pull away quickly because I was scared he would spasm a limb and hit me in the face or something. In the few seconds after I sat up I looked at the state he was in, morbid curiosity stopping me from immediately waking him.

He was writhing on the bed, but that wasn’t the worst of it. The second I saw him scratching, almost clawing at his own throat I sprung to action. I shook him to wake him up, calling out his name, but he stayed asleep.

Desperately I became more forceful. I screamed. I shook him so violently I thought he’d get whiplash. I put everything I could into my voice, pleading, begging for him to come back to me. Eventually he did wake up. The instant he did I took him into my arms, hugging him like he was going to be ripped away.

Maybe sixty seconds after he had awoken I heard a light knock at the door. I couldn’t get up, so I just told them to let themselves in. I craned my neck to see it was my father.

“Is everything okay in here? We heard you screaming.”

“It’s okay, Dad. Pine just had one of those nightmares again. I can handle it,” I assured him.

There was a pause. “Can I help in any way?”

I pondered for a second. “Maybe you could leave some water out on the kitchen table for us?”

“Got it.”

As he left I took a moment to appreciate that Pine had so many people concerned for his well-being.

Once he was at the point where he buried his face into my shirt it occurred to me that when he held me and tried to comfort me on the night of the 23^rd, he may have just been imitating what I would do when I calmed him down. I felt a little flash of pride at the thought. If I could make him feel half as warm and safe as I did in his arms, I was doing something right.

When he fully relaxed I took him to the kitchen.

 

We said our goodbyes and left the next morning. I was sad to go, but I knew that I had my own home now, and so did Pine.

The week following was business as usual, save for a nagging doubt that kept making itself known in the back of my mind. I tried my best to push it down.

It kept getting worse until New Year’s Eve. We spent it at home, eating pizzas I had ordered. Pine kept dozing off, and I had to wake him up a half a dozen times before he got the message that I didn’t want him to sleep. He went to the kitchen to sculpt something.

I tried to use my laptop or read a book, but that little thought kept coming back. It was becoming a real problem, so I decided to stop ignoring it. It was the end of the year, the time seemed right for self-reflection.

I thought about all the things I had done with Pine on Christmas Eve, exactly seven days prior. I did some things then that I never felt the desire to do before. I just did it because it felt good at the time, but in hindsight those choices read very differently.

I’m an adult. I’m not stupid and I’m not naïve. I’m perfectly aware that those actions were extremely intimate and sensual, beyond the pale for two people in a supposedly platonic relationship. Even so, I did them without hesitation. It made me wonder if the experience made my feelings about him change, shift in a different direction.

In truth I could have probably kept brushing off these concerns and remained satisfied for a while, months even, but one lesson I learned was that it’s always better to be honest with yourself.

As uncomfortable as it made me, I consciously asked myself the question that had been bugging me all week.

Are you in love with Pine?

Actually facing that question wasn’t easy, but it was only the first step. Coming up with an answer was another task entirely. I tried to think about it, but I kept hitting walls, getting blocked by barriers I had set up in my own mind. I had no idea what the answer to that question was. It would seem intuitive that when a person falls for another they should be able to recognize it, but the relationship that Pine and I had formed was so unconventional that I had no clue what to think.

I got up and walked over to the counter where Pine did his sculpting so I could watch him work. I allowed myself to look at him in a way I hadn’t before. I looked at the graceful shape of his body, his toned yet still soft form. I looked at his hands that I knew were so gentle. I looked at his face and saw the angle of his jaw, his sharp, piercing eyes. I looked at those shorter bits of hair in the front that stuck out when his hair was up, how they fell down, framing his face.

Was I attracted to the man I was looking at?

My first idea was the direct approach. I tapped his shoulder, and it took him a while to pull away from the little world he had set up before he turned and looked at me. I stood him up and got really close to him. I gently cupped his face in my hands and tilted his head up slightly. After a moment’s hesitation, I leaned down so my lips met his.

He initially reacted with surprise, but after a few seconds he caught on and met my pressure with a little bit of his own. I closed my eyes, trying to focus purely on the sensation. I won’t deny that I enjoyed it. I liked feeling the warmth of Pine’s lips against mine. I couldn’t tell if that indicated a spark, though. I didn’t feel anything conclusive. When I pulled back from the kiss I opened my eyes, hoping I could discern something from his reaction. I couldn’t.

I let out a mix of a groan and a sigh. It was stupid to think that the answer would come to me so easily. Also, Pine wouldn’t be able to help me. The normal thing to do would be to talk it out with the other person and hope that you can reach a conclusion together. I didn’t have that option. I was on my own with this one.

Still, I can be stubborn when I want to be. I didn’t shy away from the challenge.

Letting my instincts take over, I led Pine to the den. I turned off the TV and flicked on all the lights before getting us both on the couch. I lay us both on our sides facing each other, adjusting so that his eyes were level with mine.

I never even thought about doing this before then, likely because the couch was legitimately not big enough for it. We were pushed so close together our noses almost touched, but Pine was at least comfortable and the proximity actually helped with what I had in mind.

I looked into Pine’s eyes. Unlike when I first met him, I was able to feel like I was looking at both of his eyes at once. I promised myself that I wouldn’t get up or look away until I had an answer I was satisfied with.

I looked into myself and tried to analyze what Pine meant to me, which relationships I could compare ours to. I knew all to well that I often acted like my mother towards him, but I could also see the simpler relationship James had with his dogs. I had little experience with really close friends, and no experience with siblings, but there were parallels I could draw between us and best friends or brothers. There were other parallels I could draw, but those told a different story.

Back in October, when Pine thought he had ruined things with me, I quite literally threw myself at him to prove him wrong. Nothing too serious happened, but I knew that I would have been prepared to submit completely, to let him have his way with me. Was that something I could or would ever do for somebody I didn’t see as a potential partner?

On the night before Christmas Eve, I ripped my chest open in front of Pine and let him look inside. I allowed myself to show more vulnerability to him than even my own parents. It was possible that I had always loved him and only then stopped suppressing it.

I tried to think back to past girlfriends and realized that I ended my last relationship almost a year prior and hadn’t really put myself out there since then. Maybe I was lonely enough to reach, to interpret romantic attraction when there wasn’t any.

I mulled over so many things on that couch. It took so long. I found out right after that I had done it for almost an hour.

There wasn’t a lightbulb moment. Nothing happened to make me reach an epiphany. The entire process was achingly, agonizingly slow. It felt like I was trying to put together a huge puzzle and I didn’t even know what the assembled image would look like.

For the longest time I laid there, trying to search every corner of my mind, heart, and soul, but when I was done, I had an answer. Once more I asked myself that question.

Are you in love with Pine?

I was able to respond.

No.

I loved Pine more than I could possibly say. In fact, given how unusual our relationship was, I doubted anybody had found the need to create what words could truly describe it. I couldn’t sum up what exactly my feelings were, but I knew about some gray areas, what the feelings weren’t, and they weren’t romantic or sexual.

As strong as my emotions were, they didn’t match up to the crushes of my adolescence or the girlfriends of my adult years. Not quite. It’s not like I couldn’t imagine it. In fact, the idea of Pine being my life partner and lover had appeal to it, but I knew in my heart that it wasn’t meant to be.

I think I was expecting to feel a wave of relief that I had reached an outcome, but all I felt was a simple contentment. Perhaps I had just come to the conclusion some part of me had already drawn. Still, it was good to have an answer.

I gave Pine a hug before I let him go back to his sculpting.

I hadn’t planned any New Year’s resolutions, but during the minutes before the ball dropped on TV, I decided to form one. Well, not a resolution as much as ground rules for myself going forward.

There were some things I had done with Pine, like kissing on the lips and sharing a bed naked, that were meant more for couples than whatever we were. I resolved to never do some of them again and to save others for special occasions only. I stuck to that resolution, too. Once it was put in place, I followed every new rule I had set up.

My resolution was set into motion a few seconds after the ball dropped, right when I was done ringing in the new year by giving Pine a kiss.

Just for good luck.

Author's Note

Be honest