Betrayal

We had a unique assignment in my creative writing class at school. We had to draw a random word from a bucket and that would be the tone of the piece. I got the word 'Sorrow'. So be prepared for a sad piece.

Today must be the very best day of my life. Everything has gone great; I don’t even know where to begin. I got enough sleep for once, I finally started dating the girl I have been in love with for a long while, and my best friend is by my side, what more could I ask for?

                You know though, one thing bothers me; everything is going too well. It is almost scary, nothing goes this good for someone like me. I’m so afraid something is going to go horribly wrong and just f**k things up for me in the end. It seems that the world can’t go on if I am not miserable, and with me being happy, something has to go wrong.

                It seems worrying about something that might go wrong only makes things even worse. I’ve been worried all day to the point where I have just stopped talking to people all together, even my best friend and my girlfriend. They both came up to me and I just told them to leave me alone. As much as I have always been a quiet one, I have never been this quiet or said something like that to either of them. They just gave me worried looks and walked off. I hope I didn’t offend them. I know they worry, but I don’t see why they have a reason to. I hope that doesn’t make things worse, oh god, what if they both tell me they hate me? What if they leave me all alone, I don’t think I could take that, I’d go insane.

                My best friend approached me again, my first thought being he is going to tell me I need to get over this; boy was I wrong. He told me the worst news of my life; I knew something was going to go horribly wrong. He told me that my girlfriend didn’t want to be with me since I was going to act like this and that after only a day, it was over. Then it was just a kaleidoscope of pain and hurt. He told me she asked him out directly after, and he said yes. Too many emotions were flowing through my body that I just couldn’t explain. I burst out in tears, and in my rage, I hit him. I hit what I thought was my best friend, the closest person in the world to me, and I hit him.

                I ran out of school after that and just drove home. I was tempted to just crash my car then and there and hoped I died, but I couldn’t. I began to hope, to pray that this was just some insane nightmare and that I would wake up. I kept screaming and screaming wake up, wake up until I felt that my throat and lungs would bleed if I did it anymore. I could barely see the road because of the tears that plagued my eyes. I was going insane.

                I had no desire to live anymore at that point. The only thing I wanted to do at that point was to die, to fall off a cliff, get shot, stabbed, anything to end this pain in my heart. I thought about just killing myself the entire time in that car, but I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t have the balls to kill myself. I was purely afraid of death, but yet, the only thing I wanted to do was to fall into its warm embrace.

                Finally home, to my safe haven, or so I thought. My mom decided to b***h at me for leaving school. I just told her to go to Hell and locked myself in my room. She was at my door screaming at me and I told her to do was shut the f**k up for at least ten minutes. I didn’t want to hear her; I didn’t want to deal with another issue in my life. I was already beyond the brink and couldn’t take a hit. I just laid on my bed crying my heart out until the tears no longer came. Thoughts ran through my mind about death, destruction, revenge, and hate. They were all unpleasant and horrible thoughts, but at that moment, I loved them more than life.

                I had no desire to do anything else at that point. I didn’t want to move, eat, drink, nothing at all, just lie there and think, and cry. Nothing like this has happened to me before; I was so unfamiliar with these feelings that I was scared. I was afraid I would do something completely stupid and end up losing more people whom I cared about. I didn’t know what to do. I had no one who I trusted anymore, not one soul in this world who I could talk to about anything. I was never able to talk to my parents because I knew they wouldn’t understand how I felt about anything, and they would not understand this at all in the least bit. The most they could say was something about they weren’t truly my friends if they did that to me, but I know that they were the most important people in my life. I lost them both too fast and too painfully for me to handle.

                After a while of just crying to myself, a calm began to take over. I no longer cared about anything in the world; all I wanted was to hate, and to be hated. That is a strange sensation, not wanting anyone to care about you, and not wanting to care about anyone. I was becoming the monster I always hated, the cold person who just hates everyone and everything. I didn’t want to become that monster, but again, at the same time, I wanted to. I wanted to not care; I wanted to have no feelings, to be the person no one could hurt. I didn’t want to be the one I was, the one almost everyone could hurt.

                What does a person do when they are in this state of mind? Is this how serial killers are made, by someone going completely, and utterly insane? Do I make the choice whether I live or I die, whether I take someone’s life or not? Taking a life is easy, but yet, I can’t take my own. Can I kill someone else and visualize it as killing myself? Would that make me feel better about all this? When they interrogate me do I tell them I didn’t kill that person, but I only killed myself? That I saw me in that person and just burst out and killed myself? Why does it seem so easy when it is someone else’s life, and not my own? Is it because I want death, but I am sincerely afraid of it? No, that isn’t right. A human wants power for their own selfish reasons. Do I wish to have power over death so I feel that I won’t be afraid of it anymore? Is purely because I am selfish and want revenge and will take it in any form?

                Am I the same person I was before this? My name is Robert, my best friend is…. Was Ed. I still have the same body, the same hair, eyes, and clothes. Nothing physical has changed about me, so I am still me, for the most part it seems. My mental state has changed completely though. That is what makes a human who they are, doesn’t it? The personality they have, their thoughts, likes and dislikes, all of that makes us who we are, human. So when a person loses those parts of them, what do they become; what have I become? Am I a monster? Someone who no longer has a soul, just a grotesque beast? I don’t know who I am anymore really; it is the most frightening thing I have noticed.

                I think I can finally do it now. I can finally end my pain. I feel that I won’t even be killing myself anymore, but some monster. I saw my knife on the desk across the room and grabbed it. I have no idea how to do this, but I will just guess at where a good place to cut would be. I suppose I could do my arms, a lot of people cut there. I don’t want to do it across because that cut won’t be deep enough or long enough to kill me. Maybe if I cut from my wrist to my elbow, deep that would do the trick. I’ll run the blade from my wrist to my elbow, cutting about half of an inch deep. I hope this works. The pain in my arm from the blade is more of a release than hurt. The blood slowly flows out of the wound as I begin to look at the other arm. Again I ran the down the same path on the opposite arm. It still isn’t bleeding fast enough. How about two cuts on each arm, that should do. I ran the blade down each arm, and again the pain was more of a relief.

                Watching yourself slowly die is a unique experience, a truly beautiful one that not many get to experience. As I watched myself die I had many thoughts running through my head. I couldn’t help but think of the past, when I had the happiness that I lost, the present, taking a realization of how I was about to enter the warm embrace of death, and the future I was losing. How I would never get married, have kids, or have a legacy other than my suicide.

                As much as I thought I had people who cared about me, I know no one will miss me when I’m gone. No one will cry at my funeral, they won’t even notice I’m gone. I noticed I needed one thing to say before I left, I grabbed a nearby pen and my notebook. So when the paramedics come and look at my body, the one thing they will read will be, ‘I loved them both, goodbye.’

 

Author's Note

Enjoy the sadness!

Reviews

[These Haunted Hallways]

Um, HOLY JEEZ!!! OMG, unbelievably amazing story!! Man, u had me totally in shock with this one, cause it totally reminds me of me in many ways. The descriptions were unbelievably top notch, and the sadness was to a 'T!' Omg, im like freaking right now, that's how good this was hehe. Very, very sad stuff. So intense, that it was like a real punch in the face lol. God, this was so awesome. The raw emotions involved in this were extraordinary! Very well done here! *Shakes ur hand* lol. Good job, man :)

B.A.