Vanishing leaves

~Sonnet~

When the stately roads, so flat, clean, and plain

shall be swept away by some future race,

And them ladies with red nails would complain

that there's no manicure for us these days.

When creatures from far off galaxies would

capture our Earth in their big, silver crafts,

you will come to me, my love, and will brood

'bout our future in these war-stricken shafts.

Then you would sigh aloud and say to me,

"My darling, the leaves are vanishing fast.

Let's run away from here, let the world be

damaged and hollowed till this war shall last."

Then I would laugh and reply that my love

oft have I sent such pleas to the man 'bove.

Author's Note

A modern twist to this age old style of poetry...

Reviews

[Richard🖌]

Goodness, Poetess!
What an imaginative poem with a brilliant title, and a perfect picture, too.
Whom, but the most creative-minded (out of the blue), could throw a hint of absurd satire into such a line as:
"them ladies with red nails would complain
that there's no manicure for us these days." : )

And, how original and surprising is:
"When creatures from far off galaxies would
capture our Earth in their big, silver crafts,"

🛠
L2: shall be "swept" away; L8: Check spelling "war-stricken", and L12: the awkward end could be better put as, "till this war 'has passed'."
Though, it is an amazingly creative and original poem, and it adheres to the, syllable-counts, number of lines, and rhymes scheme of a Sonnet, it lacks the iambic pentameter all sonnets have in common that would allow it to be one (if you're interested in iambic beat, I wrote a blog on my site that explains it quite simply: http://www.writerscafe.org/RichardJ/blogs/IAMBICS%3A-A-Lesson-%28Instructional-Series%29/143972/ Or, message me and I'll be happy to lend a friendly hand.

A poem of destruction, with a keen touch of humor, futuristic war, Nature's leaves, the wonder of romance, and love … excellent! May the leaves turn green and return for these war-stricken lovers.

Thank you so very much for this wondrously entertaining piece, and what a brilliant writer you truly are … smiles 'n most gracious hugs! ⁓ Richard 🍃

I have a Sonnet posted here with a "modern twist" you might enjoy, titled "ROBBIE" http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1634898/?&p=2

[Moonie]

I agree with all your suggestions, and will make the changes. Thank you so much for them. I hadn't looked at this poem in a long time.
I have always been bad with meter. I had read somewhere that there can be an exception to the rule that all sonnets must have iambic pentameter, but I am not sure of that. Thanks again for stopping by, and for the suggestions!!

[Richard🖌]

All true traditional sonnets are composed in Iambic pentameter.
Others have been written differently and called a Sonnet, but are not considered proper sonnets, same as yours here.
If you'd like help with the Sonnet structure, let me know … I've helped literally hundreds understand iambics and learn to compose a powerful and beautiful Sonnet.

[Woody]

sweet write, Glorious Moon.
when the leaves vanish, can't we wait for the next autumn and the new fallen ones? just wondering.

[Moonie]

Thanks, woody!! It feels so good to see your review!
I wanted the vanishing leaves to symbolise the vanishing love which sure can grow and prosper again....but like heroine here says.... it's awfully appealing to leave everything behind and to save your own love.....the poem ends with the hero saying that he has prayed for this himself but since the Lord God didn't answer him, he feels that He wants them to make the leaves reappear rather than to vanish themselves....


Heard about your book.... congrats on that! !!!! :))))) I'll make sure I go through it once my life bevomes more stable and work lessens....:D

[Woody]

yes I more or less got that
and thanks :)

[Ana B.]

how do you know the earth is not invaded already? :) kidding... i loved this, the images bombarded me along with Exit - ''Koda'' playing in my mind....

[Emily]

Lovely poem!!
I loved it!
Keep it up!!

[Jennie Baron]

I've been remiss and gotten behind on my RRs... too involved with my own work... and then I see this gem and I'm glad I decided to catch up. I now have the benefit of previous reviews and I agree basically with what Noodle said. Fantastic sonnet.

[unspokenpain]

bravo. Good sense of creativity and storytelling. Yet it also expresses "what ifs" and "thens" in a way that only true love does. nice work.

[elvenom]

This sci-fi feel is so nice it made me read your writing several times over and over again. Love it. :)

[Moonie]

Thank you, elvenom...recently, I have been quite enamoured with the idea of writing sci-fi stories...maybe that somehow creeped into my poetry as well.
:)))thanks for the review!

[Alfred Kukitz]

Where are you when the alien strikes fast
Capturing memories that I know will last
If you see tomorrow turn a paltry gray
Come with me where colors know the day.

Oh Moon.......you inspire!

Regards,
Al

[Moonie]

Ooohh....wow!!! That definitely sounds better than the poem!! Thank you, Al...for giving me such a beautiful gift (the poem) in return! :)))))

[Einstein Noodle]

nice job Moon! this reads as if you just plucked it from the sky and set it down ..i am still working on my latest attempt at the sonnet ... :} i like the futuristic twist and agree that it suites the form well .. nothing to complain about in "Vanishing Leaves" ... a very appropriate title ... its repetition breaths a sadness over the loss of nature in the new world you have created
E.

[Moonie]

Vanishing leaves was basically my metaphor for the love that is vanishing...and how those who love have to struggle against it all...how they contemplate whether it's better to leave all of it, or to stand firm and fight against the hate.
Thank you sooo much, Einstein! I love the review! :))))

[Shabeeh Haider]

I love classical style of poetry and I also write in rhymes. It is refreshing to read your sonnet. It does have a modern style and your rhyming and meter is evidence enough that you know what you are doing.
Very nicely penned.

[Moonie]

Thank you so much!....I always struggle with meter and rhymes...it's nice to know that this poem works..:))

[Writer at last! Sky ~]

Your modern twist to this age old style of poetry really suits perfectly. The rhymes are really good to read and gives a nice melodious feel for the readers. Nice Poem :)

[Moonie]

Thank you, skyfall! It feels great to hear that! :))

[Writer at last! Sky ~]

Most Welcome Moon :)