I
closed my eyes shut. All around me, I could hear bombs exploding and people
screaming. I tried my best to calm myself, to not hyperventilate. But it was of
no use. My mind kept telling me that I could die any time.
Fear
controlling me, I opened my eyes. A dilapidated cubicle met my eyes. I crouched
closer to the walls thinking I would be safe. From Bombs.
I could
have sat there, afraid and helpless, till death came to me. But despite all my
fears, I had the urge to live. I wanted the world to know about the bloodshed and
gore in my country.
I stood up chanting prayers over and over in
my mind. I didn’t think much. I had enough of thinking. Now I need some solid
action. I ran to the door of my dilapidated cubicle and once there, I dashed
out into the street.
Dust
clogged my vision as I ran through our once peaceful streets. I was not running
aimlessly. My mother had told me about a sort of camp for the war victims. It
was some distance away from the cubicle, which was once our home. I was clearly
a victim. I lost everything and everyone I had ever loved. The piercing thought
that I was all alone made me stop abruptly.
I fell
down to my knees, crying. All the pent up frustration came rushing out in a
deluge of tears. “Ma… why did you leave me? I need you, Ma. I need you. I am
afraid and alone. God could have taken me too away with you” I looked up to the
heavens asking a million Whys all at the same time.
The sound
of a loud crash to my right shook me out of my miserable reverie .Splinters from the crash pierced into my right arm and a
chilling pain pulsed through it. In a reflex, I clenched my right hand with my
left to kill the pain. My left hand felt deadly warm and messy. I brought it to
my face to see blood smeared across it.
I felt
nauseous. Even though it was not a deep cut, blood oozed out continuously. With
all my strength, I tore off a piece of cloth from my long but dirty frock. And with
my left hand, I tied it firmly around the cut. Good thing I am left-handed.
I pulled
myself up and continued to walk. The camp must be somewhere near. Going by what
my mother told me, it was roughly a Kilometer away from La Femme, an
extravagant saloon, which crashed down just minutes before, injuring me.
I limped
through the streets, deaf to the deafening hell around me. I must have gone
quite a distance, when somebody tugged at my clothes. I froze. Is it a
militant? Is s/he gonna shoot me the moment I face him/her? So I just stood
there and the along with the tugging came a soft voice, ‘Can I come with you?’
Relieved,
I turned around to see a cute little boy with unkempt hair looking up at me. I felt
immensely happy at his sight and swiped him up in my arms saying a rather loud ‘Yes!’
I may not be able to protect him for long but as long as I am with him, he
would be safe. He is safer with me than being alone in this Hell.
A great description of war and what's going on through your writing. All the wars in history have only brought the destruction of human lives and properties.
Neetha, this is a good story. It certainly points out the futility of war.
Consider writing this in present tense.
i.e. "I closed my eyes shut. All around me, I could hear bombs exploding and people screaming. I tried my best to calm myself, to not hyperventilate. But it was of no use. My mind kept telling me that I could die any time."
to
"I close my eyes shut. All around me, I can hear bombs exploding and people screaming. I try to calm myself, to not hyperventilate. But it's no use. My mind keeps telling me I could die any time."
I think the immediacy of present tense would pack a bigger punch.
Just a thought.
Posted 6 Years Ago
6 Years Ago
I agree Ted!
Glad you reviewed and gave an honest thought:)
I never read something like this before. When reading this, I feel like I'm traveling along with the subject and I can imagine myself in her place. It must be very horrible and painful for whoever facing this situation in Syria right now. I will always pray for them.
Well done!
Posted 6 Years Ago
6 Years Ago
Thank you so much Meshalini:)
Glad to read from you!
Your words really made me live the scene. If a write about wars, in itself, can terrify me, then I do wonder how life would be for the actual victims of war. A horrifically good write!
Neetha, may I say, this poem is fantastic. Now, war is one of the worst things that could happen in the world. It could lead to death, (obviously), injuries, grieving and cold sweat with tears. It could lead to world domination. And when I say this poem is fantastic, I'll tell you why. War is terrible, but this story between the Syrian War and the girl in the skirt, is quite emotional. You have even used an anecdote to give a backstory to the reader. That's one thing. It is saddening, this poem, it really is, but the way you have written it makes it great to read, but my heart is quickly beating whenever I do. You also express what the character is like. She is afraid, she is innocent, and she doesn't like this war happening. The way you express her emotions once she sees the little boy at the end is quite good. It shows how kind and sweet the girl is. "I fell down to my knees, crying." Quite emotional, and I like emotional poems because it gives you that big rush of adrenaline throughout the body, gets your heart beating. With this poem, you've done just that. Brilliant. Also, it is in first perspective and the way you tell the story from that kind of perspective is lovely. I think you are a good writer, and I think you should write more :)
Posted 6 Years Ago
6 Years Ago
Thank you so much Zak!
Your words really mean a lot to me. To be honest, I was quite unsure w.. read moreThank you so much Zak!
Your words really mean a lot to me. To be honest, I was quite unsure when I posted this story. But I am glad to find that everyone got the message I hoped to give. And your review truly made my day:)
Powerful and needed words. Syria and Yemen are being destroyed and few show concern. The United nation is so weak. Need to be shut down. I'm praying too my friend. All we can do is remind people. War is killing many in Syria and Yemen. I have burn sage and I believe. It will take a billion people to stand as one to stop the men of war and greed. Thank you Neetha for sharing your outstanding words and thoughts.
Coyote
Posted 6 Years Ago
6 Years Ago
Thank you Coyote. I wrote this story after reading about how many innocent children are killed in th.. read moreThank you Coyote. I wrote this story after reading about how many innocent children are killed in the Syrian civil war. Its appalling that world powers are doing nothing effective to stop this. Why can't the leaders, for once, think with their hearts?
Thanks again dear Coyote:)
6 Years Ago
Look at Yemen. Saudi Arabia destroying and killing. Even worst than Syria. I will never understand b.. read moreLook at Yemen. Saudi Arabia destroying and killing. Even worst than Syria. I will never understand brother killing brother. These are Arab people killing their neighbors.
Such haunting writing! War is undoubtedly a terrible, terrifying thing that ruins the lives of many it touches. The details you include in this story are very poignant and paint the terrible scene. I like that, despite the subject matter, you end the story on a somewhat more hopeful tone. I thoughts go out to all the people affected by war.
My heart is tugging in pain to read this. You have aroused many emotions in this story. Very saddening reality to hear about Syria, it feels like they have learnt nothing from history.