Bruise On Sanity

Bruise On Sanity

A Poem by Nema
"

So this was written two years back. Not a best piece of mine I'd say. But this all I had on phone so added it up.

"
Close my eyes and I see you.
These empty halls and rooms,
As I walk by the abandoned seats,
I miss you.

Look at those lovers.
They remind me of us.
Listen to the sound of love,
Just listen, Hush...

Your smile, your voice,
That heart so warm.
I long for it all,
Your wit and that weird charm!

Lost in these corridors,
When love rains down and pours.
I'm like a bruise on sanity,
What use is vanity!
When I don't have you anymore.

© 2017 Nema



Author's Note

Nema
Honest reviews and ideas are welcome. This is my first time doing something like this. Will appreciate any improvement ideas or tips to get better at this. Thankyou.

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k
I think you have some really solid work here that could be amazing with a bit of revision. First, your final stanza is really strong, especially the last two lines. I would suggest on the last line using only one period rather than two. There's a lot more strength in a definitive end than there is in the unsure trail-off you've given us right now.

Another suggestion I have is read through the poem again and make sure you've punctuated properly. Especially between "I miss you" (stanza 1) and "Look at these lovers" (stanza 2). Right now, without a definitive breaking point between the two, they kind of run together and it gets a bit muddled.

A final thing to think about is your third stanza. It's definitely the weakest point of your poem. It doesn't seem to "fit" with the rest of the poem and it all seems kind of cliche and a bit corny.

Altogether, you have a strong base here. I hope this review helped, happy revising!

Posted 2 Months Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Nema

1 Month Ago

You feel I should replace it with a question mark? Or just leave it be.. without any punctuation?
k

1 Month Ago

After "vanity" there should be no punctuation, you should just let the line turn. After "anymore" a .. read more
Nema

1 Month Ago

Okay. This really helps. Thanks a lot. Again.



Reviews

There are some feelings here which you've articulated really beautifully. Poetry is all about evoking empathy for the reader, and you've certainly succeeded here. I enjoyed this, keep writing!

Posted 1 Month Ago


This poem evoked a physical feeling of loneliness in me, the kind that feels like a stone has taken place of my heart. Good work.

Posted 1 Month Ago


Nema

1 Month Ago

fells great when ones work touches someone. thank you for your kind words.
The beginning of this poem would sound better if you started with "when i close my eyes" or "I close my eyes". It would make more sense. Otherwise i think this poem has true meaning to it and I think your an amazing poet. Keep working!!

Posted 2 Months Ago


Nema

1 Month Ago

Hey Justina! Thank you so much for your kind words. It really is a boost to my confidence :) I will.. read more
Hi Nema. This is a good piece of writing. I just noticed that you could make some changes to it. Like in the first line, i feel like putting "I" close my eyes, "I" look at those lovers, makes the poem sound better. The absence of the I makes it seem like you are talking to someone next to you. If that's what you were going for then it's okay. In all, nice work.

Posted 2 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Nema

2 Months Ago

Hi Avia! Thanks for the review. I've skipped the 'I' because there's a "my" in the first line which .. read more
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k
I think you have some really solid work here that could be amazing with a bit of revision. First, your final stanza is really strong, especially the last two lines. I would suggest on the last line using only one period rather than two. There's a lot more strength in a definitive end than there is in the unsure trail-off you've given us right now.

Another suggestion I have is read through the poem again and make sure you've punctuated properly. Especially between "I miss you" (stanza 1) and "Look at these lovers" (stanza 2). Right now, without a definitive breaking point between the two, they kind of run together and it gets a bit muddled.

A final thing to think about is your third stanza. It's definitely the weakest point of your poem. It doesn't seem to "fit" with the rest of the poem and it all seems kind of cliche and a bit corny.

Altogether, you have a strong base here. I hope this review helped, happy revising!

Posted 2 Months Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Nema

1 Month Ago

You feel I should replace it with a question mark? Or just leave it be.. without any punctuation?
k

1 Month Ago

After "vanity" there should be no punctuation, you should just let the line turn. After "anymore" a .. read more
Nema

1 Month Ago

Okay. This really helps. Thanks a lot. Again.

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164 Views
5 Reviews
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Added on September 13, 2017
Last Updated on September 17, 2017
Tags: Romance, distance, loneliness, longing

Author

Nema
Nema

Bangalore, Karnataka, India



About
24. Dentist. Been in love with writing (esp poems) and reading for as long as I can remember. Never tried publishing anywhere. And no idea how good/bad my work is. Looking for some advice and ideas. S.. more..

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