The Untitled.

The Untitled.

A Poem by Nirupama.H

The Untitled.

One foil flower by the staircase
One sodium lamp by the window.
Is a room of people, all it takes?
To make a gloomy day bloom?

The second floor's pink quiet
The dents of hail are forever on our roof.
Will the wind blow the blinds away?
Will the crying quiten the rain?

Somewhere, a little feather dipped into ink
Somewhere, it drew on a yellowing sheet.
I hope a room of people is all it takes
To make a gloomy day bloom.

© 2016 Nirupama.H



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Words you prefer, And the flow you get into is pretty good.

Posted 11 Months Ago


Nirupama.H

11 Months Ago

Thank you.
I liked the places you took me with. We need things that make a room bloom and life shine. Gentle flow of thoughts held great story. Thank you Nirupama for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Nirupama.H

11 Months Ago

Thanks a lot for always encouraging me with your comments!
Coyote Poetry

11 Months Ago

I love your work and you are welcome.
I like your choice of words!
Keep on writing!!

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Nirupama.H

11 Months Ago

Thanks Emily!

Somewhere, a little feather dipped into ink
Somewhere, it drew on a yellowing sheet.
I hope a room of people is all it takes
To make a gloomy day bloom.

These lines made me smile :)
Keep writing

Posted 11 Months Ago


Nirupama.H

11 Months Ago

I'm glad! Thanks for commenting :))
Perhaps a few smiles on those peoples faces would have brightened up the place. Valentine

Posted 11 Months Ago


Nirupama.H

11 Months Ago

Yes..
Thanks for reading and commenting.
In S1 you make your point, that the subject is a gloomy day. And, you ask a question.

But then you mention things unrelated to brightening the day before coming back to the subject in S3.

The first thing that hit me was that the rhyme in S1 gives the expectation that it will continue in S2 and3, but it doesn't.

Next, you establish three feet per line in S1, but in S2, the line "The dents of hail are forever on our roof," kills the established rhythm.

I hate to be a killjoy, but bear in mind that what I've said has nothing to do with talent or good/bad poetry. It's that there are a few things about poetry, in the area of craft—the learned part of the field, that you may want to dig into, to give your words wings.

As you write, keep in mind that your understanding of the poem's meaning is driven by intent. So it always works because you, in effect, fill in the blanks as you read it. But your reader has only what the words mean to them, and the odds say they are of a different age group, education, and experience, meaning that you need to keep their possible misinterpretation in mind as you write.

A really good place to begin picking up the nuts and bolts issues is the excerpt on Amazon for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 12 Months Ago


JayG

11 Months Ago

• I actually wanted to keep the meaning vague so that everyone could relate with it and have their.. read more
Nirupama.H

11 Months Ago

Hmm. I'm listening. Thanks again.
Nirupama.H

11 Months Ago

^ And I'm reading your article too.
Nirupama,

Yes. Each and every minute orgasms of nature take the writer to unknown realms to explore and recreate the untold.
The opportunity thus given to him/her should be shared as above
How and why are questions of uncertainty and it is told that once out of paper it belongs to all , yes readers
excellent effort...............

carry on


mp



Posted 12 Months Ago


Nirupama.H

12 Months Ago

Thank you for reading and commenting.

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Added on October 23, 2016
Last Updated on October 23, 2016

Author

Nirupama.H
Nirupama.H

India



About
Hey there! I'm a 19 year old student from India. Feel free to comment on my works after reading them. Constructive criticism is always appreciated. more..

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