Departure - Filtered

A #WriteFridays challenge, to remove "filter" words The original story was at http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/NoelHC/1369956/ This is the revision I came up with to make it more direct.

I open the door, the jangle of the bell irritates me, my nerves on edge as Laura walks past me, her perfume reminds me of the many times I have smelled that, behind her, holding her close, breathing in the complex aroma from her neck, her hair. Her beautiful face, her sparkling eyes, a sweet smile on her lips. My resolve almost breaks, but this must be done.

We walk up the counter together and order our coffee, and head to a table for two in a quiet corner. I purposely choose this table as I want no others near when I tell her what I must. I sense her attention on me, but I cannot bear to look at her;  what I must say is too painful. I believe she senses something is amiss.

The waitress arrives with our coffee; before she sets the cups down I smell that it isn't fresh, the aroma slightly burned, and bitter. I say “Please bring us a fresh pot. ” to postpone the inevitable, but Laura thanks the waitress and adds cream and sugar to her cup.

She picks up her cup; her hand is shaking, the cup trembling, little waves and ripples forming on the surface. She sips carefully, and sets the cup back on the table.

I stare into my cup, the dark black surface reminds me of the congealed blood on the floor. Only a few hours earlier I went to my brother's apartment. Ron had not answered his phone all day, and he had not been to our restaurant the day before. I was so worried about him, that he might be sick. The door to his place was slightly ajar, as I pushed it open, I sensed something was not right the minute I did.

Furniture was upended, drawers dumped on the floor, signs of a struggle evident throughout. I carefully walked down the hall to his bedroom. Ron was sprawled out on the floor, eyes wide open, lifeless, a pool of blood surrounded him, dark, viscous, a copper tasting smell to it. I checked for a pulse, but I knew that was a waste of time before I even touched his neck.

It only took me a moment to realize who must have done this. Ron managed the restaurant; I was just his financial partner. He had big dreams, big plans. When I told him I couldn't afford to invest any more, he found a new source of money, one he was not prepared to discuss with me. Soon new clients began to hang out in the restaurant. Tough guys; they came right out of “The Sopranos” or some gangster movie. I argued many times with Ron about my concerns, but ever the optimist he assured me "I can pay the loan back, no problem. Stop worrying."

Then the factory shut down. Hundreds of people were forced out of work. Families struggling to keep their children fed were not going out to restaurants. Our restaurant was empty many nights. I stopped by one evening to discuss this with Ron, I located him in the back, in a heated discussion with one of the unsavory characters. As soon as I entered, they stopped talking.

This all went through my mind in an instant, as I look at her, I want so much to explain what has happened but I can't. I must protect her. All I am able to say was "I'm leaving." My voice is so calm, I cannot believe this is all I can utter, after all we shared together, a life so full of happiness and joy.

Her eyes fill with tears, her lips tremble, that is always the hardest for me, when she was sad or upset, That quiver would break my heart when she was in pain. Her eyes fix on the tabletop, her fingers trace the pattern of scratches in the old, worn surface. Laura blinks; tries to not break down in front of me. Her mouth opens, but no words came out.

Things had been less than perfect between us these past four months, I was fixated on Ron, and the situation his ambition had put him in. We were at risk of losing the restaurant. I had no job. I was broke, and there was no prospect of that changing anytime soon. She wanted a future together, I had no future to offer her.

I see her swallow, and in a soft, weak voice, a quaver in it, she says "Don’t."

I want to grab her in my arms, hold her, tell her I would stay with her forever, but I know that Ron's new business associates will be looking for their money to be returned, and they knew I backed him before. I had nothing left; everything I owned was invested in the restaurant. My supervisor job at the factory disappeared along with all the all other jobs when it closed. I had to leave town and disappear otherwise they would kill me the same as they killed Ron when they found I could not pay them.

I cannot tell Laura any of this; it will only endanger her. She must not know any of my plans. 

A single tear rolls down her cheek, and drops into her cup, a single bitter tear, in a bitter brew.

I rise from the chair; place some money on the table to pay for our last coffee together. Her gaze turns up towards me standing there, I can see pleading in her eyes, I want so much for her to disappear with me, but I know that will only put her in the same danger I am in.

I want to say so much, to tell her I have to leave her because I love her, but all I can manage is "Take care of yourself." I head for the door, before I open it I take one last look back at her. I see her head is slumped forward. Her hair has fallen down around her face. Her shoulders shake with sobs, silent, broken.

I want to say "I love you. Goodbye." one last time, but I remain silent. I walk to my car, unsure where to go, where to hide.

Author's Note

Exercise 7: Choose an excerpt from a work in progress. This can be a first chapter, or a few thousand words. With your list of filter words by your side, read carefully. Anytime you come across a scene described with one of them, i.e. she saw the dragon leap into the air, replace it with a more direct observation. The dragon leapt into the air, a swirling gossamer of metallic scales catching the sun. Alternatively, you can pick one filter word and do a CTRL+F to find it everywhere in your document. This is especially helpful if you realize that you favor one or two filter words above all the others (I’m particularly fond of s/he felt…)

For more about filter words, read http://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/

Reviews

[Dante Carlisle]

Toward the end I really began to feel the emotion in the scene. The picture you paint of the broken woman is excellent. My only critiques are a few of the run on sentences, and a few items that need more information. I felt that a few ideas were too quick, too glossed over.

I read this quickly, the way I would any novel or story I was going through, and there were times in here where I wanted to look back and figure out what I had missed. As I said, the picture at the end is excellent, but the beginning lacks that emotion that would draw me in. Perhaps dwell on how much it hurts him to say what he has to.

Enjoyable, but could have definitely drawn me in harder. I love these kinds of scenes, because they can really break a reader's heart, which is the goal.

I enjoyed this, and would definitely read more, but I'd like to be drawn in harder on these gut-wrenching scenes. How far along are you in this story? Since it's a work in progress?

Also, where did you get the exercise from?

[NoelHC]

Dante, I originally set myself a task to write the first version as a response to a short story by a writer that used to be on here. She had written essentially this scene, my first response tried explain the mans POV, as she had no idea what was going on in his mind. That constrained me to match her format. Later a writing challenge from a friend suggested re-writing a piece without filter words, so this version was in response to that while staying true to the original concept. That friend posted about 20 challenges last year, but an growing child and work got in the way. You can see the link to her blog in my author notes above.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and review this, I have been rather inactive on her of late. I am working on a novel, this scene is not part of that, it may show up in a future project.
Thanks

[Dante Carlisle]

Well, thank you for coming back to respond, and I haven't been all that active on here myself, so I understand. Hopefully we're both on here a little more often, and I get to see a lot more from you. I've enjoyed reading your work, and look forward to more. Good luck on the novel!

[MomzillaNC]

This is really great, Noel. It's like the start of a great thriller.

NOTES: I recommend you revisit your use of punctuation.

[NoelHC]

Thank you for the kind words. Regarding punctuation, please expand on that, I know I tend to use commas where they need not be, was there something you can point out to me so I know what to watch for?

[MomzillaNC]

It's something I noticed throughout. But, as an example, here's you're first paragraph as I would punctuate it:

I open the door; the jangle of the bell irritates me, setting my nerves on edge as Laura walks past me. Her perfume reminds me of the many times I have smelled it from behind her as I held her close, breathing in the complex aroma from her neck. The scent rises from her hair. I gaze upon her beautiful face… her sparkling eyes… a sweet smile on her lips. My resolve almost breaks; but this must be done.

[NoelHC]

Got it, thanks for the tips. Hope you are doing well MomZ.

[MomzillaNC]

YW.

I'm still struggling. Very thankful for my husband and son who've been so loving and supportive. They're taking great care of me.

[Sami Khalil]

An amazing story with very interesting elements. An honor to visit your page...:)................

[NoelHC]

Thank you Sami. The original inspiration story is no longer on here, unfortunately the writer left the site. Her story was so moving I felt the need to explain why the man left her.

[Sami Khalil]

Yep. You are welcome...:).................

[Bright Ocean Star]

Whewww, Noel. You are good. This was great. You have a great talent of gripping the reader, sucking them in and making them hold onto each word until the end. Very nice short synopsis. It makes me want to read the whole story. Thank you for sharing this with us....:)

[NoelHC]

Thank you for the kind words.

[Lyn Anderson]

I like this story. Very interesting -- one thing I noticed was the tense shift in the description of what happened to Ron. That piece needs to be entirely in the past to make sense in the present.

[NoelHC]

I have corrected the paragraph related to Ron to past tense. Thanks for reading. I would be interested in how you think this compares to the earlier on I based this on. I think you will be pleased that I got rid of much of the passive voice, and that one tense thing you mentioned a while back.
Appreciate your comments.

[Lyn Anderson]

Yes. It cleans up well.

[Jennie Baron]

Wow, I wouldn't have believed such a subtle change could make the story much more powerful! Redoing those phrases truly made a difference. There is something to this filter word thing and I have to read up on it.

[NoelHC]

Thank you Jennie, I hoped it would improve the feel of the piece. The link is up in my note above at the bottom. I also remove a lot of my normal "had to, have to, etc" and made the actions more direct.

[Jennie Baron]

I printed it already.

[NoelHC]

The original story was at http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/NoelHC/1369956/ This is the revision I came up with to make it more direct.
I would be interested in your thoughts about how it worked.