I've lost control again

personal experience/thoughts inspired by Joy Division

As the errors of my ways are to my amaze
Every character defect aids in losing my way
I know I'm slipping, so take me by the hand. Returning is the mind that races to no end, and it feels about that time to lose control again. 

I've lost control again.

My consistent pattern of losing my mind 
And If you're keeping score at life I'm too far behind
so which way is out, and even where would I go?
I'm just lost in my head and been down so low, then I lose control. I've lost control. 

I've lost control again

 I've lost control, again.

Again and again and then a few times more, There's only one way I can control, so in knowing that I know this fact: when this all will end.  But the question I  have is when did it begin?

Now I've been stable for a while, maintaining some of the good , and If there was hope to maintain I most certainly would. But I know who I am and I know what I do. Seems like nothing will change or ever be new. As I start to slip ,sensing no help, I begin to decide I'm completely done. Still can't admit it to them that losing control will surely happen again. Yet this time it's planned. When I next lose control for a the last utter of "ive lost it again" I'm going to make it my ultimate end.