Achoo!

My first attempt to writing a short story.

 

 

            It’s rush hour; heels beat to the rhythm of their mistresses, announcements scream deafening messages which only a few can hear, voices speak in choir between the toots of leaving trains. I stand.

            Amazed at the organised chaos, I watch and wonder where each person is destined to. Studying the language of every body that passes, I wonder why the itch, why the knuckle-cracking, why the fidgeting with the clothes, why the stares, why the stroking of the face, why the frowns? I then realise I’m sipping coffee which I don’t even prefer, so why did I buy myself coffee in the first place?

            Smiling I ask myself in thought, “Shouldn’t I be studying myself instead?”

            Slowly yet suddenly I become a part of the chaos, organising myself, trying to fit in. Avoiding any bumping, I make my way out of the enclosure into the open skies with my paper coffee cup still in my hand. Somewhat out of breath I make my way into my next means of transportation which takes off as soon as I step in. Eluding a sweat bitten armpit I turn the other way, in time to catch a sneeze of another passenger.

            “Bless you”, I say while wiping my face, fighting the frown which was truly what he deserved. “Bless me”, I whisper. “Sorry!”, he says, “I didn’t see it coming”. “Neither did I”, I giggle. Goodness! I giggled, while heading for the exit.

 “I feel so embarrassed but I really did not see it coming”, I heard a voice travel after me while I strutted towards my office door. Quite surprised I turn around to address him but nothing comes out of my mouth. “I’m James”, he says, sticking out his hand. “I’m….do you work on the same street?!” is what I answer, or should I say question. “You have a lovely smile”, he answers, but to which question? A few awkward seconds pass before my awkward reply, “Good day!”.

I am in the office, typing the code before the alarm goes off and then settle myself in my ergonomically installed chair. I start my computer and look up at the sound of my colleague’s voice at the door. Good morning seemed obligatory which is why she may have not returned my greeting. Before I could even mention the weather, a brick wall of information was thrown at me. This is why I always regretted a day off.

Finally at my desk again, my mind is working out a time management sheet for me, for the next eight hours and fifty-one minutes, when I lay my eyes on my paper coffee cup. – Rewind – station, people, destinations, chaos, smelly armpit, sneeze…

Goodness the sneeze! Our conversation! Horrid, embarrassing, not him but me! I was rude without even trying to be rude. What odd behaviour! Now I was frowning the frown I deserved.

“Good morning, Superior Services, this is Denise Mills”, my automated, professional self answers the phone. “Good morning Denise, that lovely name suits your lovely personality”, “How about lunch to make up for what I did earlier this morning?”.  “I’m… James?...you know I…it isn’t  a big deal…how?...” I mumble. “I’d like to make up for myself and for the smelly armpit man”, he said interrupting my mumble. I had to laugh and accepted his invitation, “Good day!”… “Ohhhhh, why did I have to end with those words?! Ohhhhh!”

At lunch it felt like it was I who had arranged this meeting because of the embarrassment I had caused. I remember us talking more than eating. We talked about everything else but the sneeze, but it is always the sneeze which will remind me of him.

            May God bless him wherever he is. “Coffee please”.

 

Author's Note

Punctuation is something I know very little about so I do it as I feel. I am curious about the story telling. Thank you.

Reviews

[Windy]

I was really getting into the story when it ended! ;( That is the only bad thing about short stories, you get involved in them and then.....it's over. As for punctuation, I have a major problem with that myself, I even put that on my bio so people would be forewarned! I think you did an excellant job with the story telling. It pulled me right in and your descriptions were very "real" . Good job. congrat. :)

[Samuel Dickens]

Your writing is really excellent. A lot of people tend to use too many words. They over-describe and over-emphasize things, but you've gotten it just right. It all sounds so natural, as it should be, and you've taken the mundane and made it interesting. Now you see, I'm hooked and I want to know more about Denise and the sneezing man. Do they become friends? Do they fall in love? You've got a very good begining to a story here, should you decide to continue it.

[Orlando Murcia]

This story was hella cute " Coffee please" lol I loved it O beautiful piece

[Jon]

There is a kind of joyous curiosity in everything you write - a way of thinking that is more original than most - i really like the flow and descriptive you use to bring colour to a quick and simple story.

"Slowly yet suddenly I become a part of the chaos, organising myself, trying to fit in. Avoiding any bumping, I make my way out of the enclosure into the open skies with my paper coffee cup still in my hand."

Great pace, great piece - like it ;)

[Raef C. Boylan]

I liked the attention to imagery. It felt abstract in places, mixed with realism [alarm code at work for example] in other places, which was a cool mix.
Good work. Completely fiction?
Thanks for sharing it.

[An Ordinary Woman]

This is great, O!

I haven't read your stories as much as your poetry but I see your stories are as wonderful as your poetry is!

Of course I can relate to this, wouldn't ya just know it. LOL I enjoyed seeing this side of you and glad your posting again, this was fun and I enjoyed our little quick chat yesterday too. Smiles, my sweet friend!

[a Messenger]

The story telling was excellent. The pace was good and the story
interesting.
This is the kind of encounter that many can identify with.
Great job my Friend.