Where The Odd Products Of Magic Become Apparent

Where The Odd Products Of Magic Become Apparent

A Chapter by Alskar

   Adainne was on a floor. Her eyes stirred open. 
   Did Heaven have wooden floors? She didn’t think so. 
   Or a dining table, for that matter. 
   What use could you have for a dining table when you’re dead? 
   Eating dead people food, she guessed. 
   She heard a distant rumbling sound. 
   Then a voice.
   “Oh what? How did that happen? How did a War Wizard get in here?”
   Adainne tried to push herself to her feet, but it wasn’t going to happen. 
   She felt a pair of dry palms on her bare shoulders. 
   “Come on, you silly girl, I’ll help you up, but you shouldn’t be here!” He pulled her up quickly from the ground. “You’d better go sit down on the sofa, those are some nasty burns you have there. Not that it matters, we’re wizards, after all, it will be gone in a jiffy. Oh, a jiffy! I’ve never used that word before in my life!”
   The boy guided her to a dark green sofa which she nearly disappeared into. 
   She looked at her hero - or attempted executer, perhaps. 
   His glossy russet hair was in a flat quiff. 
   He raked his hand into it, revealing his face in full. 
   He had a deep-set pair of brown eyes, framed by barely there eyebrows.        He had a blunt nose, but what really accented his good-looks was his thin lips and broad, perfectly straight and ivory smile. 
   His dress sense was interesting to say the least. 
   He wore a mandarin trench coat with oriental gold embroidery, with brown chinos and black boots. 
   Underneath the dazzling trench he wore an open shirt, showing a wink of his toned body. 
   “Oh, hello you. My name’s Trellor.” He snapped out his wand.  
    Adainne reached for her’s. 
    It had been burned off, as had large patches of her tank top and khaki trouser combination. 
   “Ooh, want a towel?” 
   “Please,” Adainne said thinly. 
    As though she wasn’t worn out by the fall, now she had to deal with this guy. 
    Trellor charged into a room to the right of a staircase. 
    There was a small silence. 
    Then he returned. 
     “I was just thinking about it, I think I know why you’re here,” he said, tossing a towel at her. It caught on her face. “I let my protective charms down so my lightning wouldn’t rebound off them and hit my house. So you just fell straight in!” 
    He jumped onto the arm rest next to her, leaning his face onto his hand.           “Who are you?”
    Adainne peeled the towel off her face. “Who says I need to tell you? Give me a shuttle and I’ll get out your hair.” 
    She draped the towel over herself.
    “Rude. What’s a shuttle?”
    Adainne stared at him. “How can you not know what a shuttle is?”
    “I don’t know. Where do you come from?”
    “Again, why should I tell you?” 
     Adainne hadn’t been trained how to deal with this situation. 
     Probably because it was unlikely that a War Wizard would ever fall into a rogue wizard’s house. 
     “I told you where I come from.”
     Adainne kept staring. “No you didn’t. I’m here, where you came from. That’s just stupid.”
     “I meant on Earth,” said Trellor, inspecting his nails. “Come on, I won’t tell.”
     “Wait, no.” 
     Adainne stood up and turned on Trellor, holding the towel against herself. “We’re not meant to be talking like this. I demand you fix me a way to communicate with my other soldiers!”
     Trellor waggled his brows. “Soldiers, huh? Cloudline?”
     S**t, thought Adainne. “Yes. Cloudline. And it is against Cloudline law to hold a War Wizard hostage. The penalties are severe.”
     Trellor laughed. “I’m a rogue wizard! I don’t care! That’s the beauty of it! Ha!”
     He tilted his wand at her. 
     Adainne felt tightness at different points of her body. 
     “Just sealing the burns, don’t worry,” he muttered, concentrating. “There.”
     Adainne looked down. 
     The patches of throbbing pink flesh had made way for her normal moon-pale colour.
    “Thanks,” she said, quietly. 
    “No problem. About your wizard pals, I can’t communicate with them unless they’re in my airspace. My airspace is guarded right now.”
    “So take the charms off,” said Adainne.
    “Can’t.”
    “Why not?”
    “Because the charms are there to protect me from them, duh.”
    “Then how am I supposed to get home?”
    “Guess you’re not.”
     Adainne glared at him. “So you are holding me hostage. When I get back to Cloudline I’ll make sure we catch you and prosecute you for this.”
    “Oh, have fun with that,” said Trellor. 
     He winked at her.
     Adainne’s fists curled.
    “We can’t transport you back there, even with a makeshift shuttle. Only registered Cloudline vehicles can get in.”
    Adainne’s head dipped. “Yeah, that’s right.”
    Trellor grinned. “Impressed with how much I know? I’ve been pretty bored here so it’s nice to get to know the neighbours.”
    “Are you seriously saying I can’t leave here?”
    “Oh you could leave, but you couldn’t get back to Cloudline,” said Trellor, lying on the sofa. 
    “Ah ha, but my sister’s going to the Sky Park later. I’ll just wait there for her.”
    “Okay. But you’re not getting past my charms.”
    “What?”
    “And you can’t threaten me, since you don’t have a wand. So, happy travelling!”
     Adainne stomped over to him, lowering her face over his. “Excuse me, you idiot. Let down those charms or I will get the full fleet of War Wizards on you!”
     Trellor closed his eyes. “Mm. Let’s face it, you’re just gonna have to coast it out. Want some new clothes?”
     Adainne could see getting emotional wasn’t getting her anywhere. 
     Instead, she was going to play Trellor at his own game. 
    “That would be lovely, thank you. Nothing too dressy.”
      As she said the final three words, a black dress appeared on the table. 
      Trellor stowed his wand away. “Oh, terribly sorry madam.”
      “Could I have a wand please?”
      “Not just now.”
      Adainne smirked. “Because I could threaten you. You’re smarter than I give you credit for.”
      “Thanks. I love the British accent, by the way.”
      “Thanks. Not a fan of the American one, though.”
       It was Trellor’s turn to smirk. “Sure, sure. My accent’s a bit Old World American, I guess. Now go have a shower and I’ll - Hey!” 
       Trellor was looking up the stairs. Adainne looked too.
       She noticed a glossy, bright yellow object float down the stairs.     
       It was a star, but not an ordinary star. 
       It was a plushie and had two little black, stretched ovals for eyes, but no visible mouth. 
       It stopped dead at the bottom of the stairs, hovering, and frowned at Adainne. 
       At least, it looked like it was frowning. 
       Its yellow silk turned abruptly crimson and it let out a long squeal before shooting across the room to it’s master. 
       “Yes yes, calm down girl,” said Trellor distractedly, as the star beat him across the head to draw his attention to Adainne. “She looks like she’s going to hit me, but she’s not. Are you, blue-haired girl?”
       “Not yet,” she murmured. 
       Adainne barely blinked before the star appeared in her face and yelled. 
       It didn’t yell anything in particular, just a cry of anger.
       “She kids,” said Trellor, sitting up and stretching. “Why don’t the two of you behave yourselves while I go steer the ship for a bit?”
        Trellor stood and marched past Adainne to something she had just noticed - a ship’s wheel in the middle of the room. 
        Adainne was about to ask when two oval pebbles appeared in front of her eyes. 
        The star seemed suspicious. 
        It floated into her face then floated round the back of her head, where she felt a sharp tap. 
        “What was that for?” she asked the star as it returned in front of her. 
        The star shrugged, turned yellow again and flew away disinterestedly, as though she’d passed some sort of test.
        “Hey,” said Trellor, as though he’d just come up with a genius plan. 
        The star rested behind his neck, curling it’s bottommost points around his neck like a father and son. “Why don’t we take a romantic stroll out in the field later?”
        Adainne looked at the window far from her. “That’s a real field?”
        Trellor laughed. “Oh no silly, that isn’t. That’s just magic. But I do have a beautiful valley I could take you to. Are you a flowers and chocolates kind of girl?”
        “Come up with something more original and stop embarrassing yourself,” sighed a deep, dry voice at the top of the stairs. 
        Adainne looked up and saw a cat. 
        A talking cat. 
       “You…made your cat talk too?”
        He shrugged. “Did it when I was seven. That was fourteen years ago. Guess that makes me twenty-one, huh?”
        “Math was never your strong point,” said the cat, stretching luxuriously before pattering down the stairs. 
         He leapt onto the dining table and stuck out a white paw to Adainne. 
        “My name’s Boston. Where Trellor and I came from on Earth. And you are?”
        “Uh, Adainne Silver. Cloudline.” She put the tips of three fingers on his paw and shook it. 
        “She finally says her name!” came a triumphant cry from Trellor. 
        “A War Wizard? Is that why you’re covered in burn scars and your hair is on end?” asked Boston.
         Adainne petted down her matted sugar blue hair. “That’s right. I’m off to go tidy myself up, at least I think I am. Do you have a room for me, Trellor?”
         “Yes yes, hang on then.” He disengaged himself from the ship’s wheel and trundled upstairs. 
         Adainne followed quickly behind. 
        “I suppose you won’t want to bunk with me, or Boston for that matter. Although, cat’s beds are surprisingly comfortable. So, I’ll have to make you a bedroom from scratch.”
        “Well, I wouldn’t-” 
         But before she could finish, Trellor’s wand was already starting on the new door on an unused space of wall. 
         The star had flown off as Trellor ran upstairs but returned with a sherbet star in its little points. 
         As it bit into it, the star turned pink with delight and let out a squeak. 
         “Isn’t that…cannibalism?” asked Adainne, watching the star.
         “What is?” said Trellor distractedly, as furniture appeared in the new space. 
         “The star…eating sherbet stars,” she said. 
          This time, the star heard her. 
          It scorched red, frowned in her face then took off, turning pink again as it flew over Boston, who said ‘hello’ to it. 
         “Well, it’s not real stars it’s eating, is it? Besides, she isn’t a real star, she’s a soft toy I animated with magic.” The new door slammed shut on his face. “Ah, there we go. A brand new girl-friendly boudoir.” 
          Before she could ask why soft toys, alive or not, needed to eat sherbet, she was hurtled into the plain room. 
          “Like it?” asked Trellor, lingering at the door. She steadied herself, looking around.  
         “It will do. Thanks. Which way is the shower?”
         “Down this hall, second door on your right. My room’s the one opposite your’s.”
         “Right.” She straightened up a lampshade. 
         “Right, well, I’ll leave you to it. Boston will be up here to chat later no doubt, not sure about the little one though. She doesn’t seem to like you very much.”
         “I guessed, seeing as she turns red every time she sees me,” said Adainne.
         “She’ll be fine in a while. Just feed her sherbet stars and talk to Boston a lot, then she’ll trust you. Which reminds me, I better go seal that jar of stars before she munches her way through them and makes herself sick. See ya!”              Trellor swept away. 
         Adainne sighed, then looked around properly. 
         When she looked in her wardrobe, she saw a variety of new outfits. 
         They would do. It was better than nothing. 
         She headed for the shower. 
         When she was done, she returned to her room with damp hair and pulled on the body con dress.   
         Looking in a full length mirror, she was satisfied with the reflection. 
         She found a pair of black boots and pulled them on. 
        There weren’t any heels, and she liked the way it looked all together. 
         She couldn’t be bothered with make up, so she went to leave the room like this.
        When she opened the door, Boston was there. “Oh hello, Adainne. Don’t mind me, I just get awfully bored sometimes and Trellor’s not always the best company when he’s cooking.”
       “Trellor’s cooking?” she asked, as Boston slid past her and jumped on her bed. 
       “One of his specialities by the look of it. He gets stressed cooking. The star usually has to direct him.”
       “She seems a resourceful little star,” said Adainne. 
       “She’s practically human. But then again, in some ways so am I. One time, me and the little one were both inanimate - well, she was inanimate, and I just couldn’t talk. Now look at us, almost as human as you or Trellor!”
       “Well, that’s magic, of course,” she replied to the cat, sitting on the bed, where Boston was now rolling on his back. “Trellor said the star was a soft toy before he animated it. Why did he do that?”
        Boston released a long, regal purr, then rolled on his front and stared up at Adainne. “Well, the star is special to him. His sister made him it.”
       “Oh,” Adainne smiled softly at the cat. “Well, that’s sweet. Where is his sister?”
       “Er.” The cat rolled once more onto his back, looking at Adainne upside down with his yellow eyes. “She died, a year ago. When Wizard Eron first started tearing up the world. Our whole family died, actually. It’s just us three now.”
        Adainne felt an understanding grow in her. “And that’s why he’s a rogue wizard, right? Because the war killed his family?”
        “Correct,” said Boston.
        Adainne’s eyes glazed over, as though some unwanted memory had come knocking and she was trying not be to sucked into it. “My mum was killed by Wizard Eron’s regime too.”
        “Ah,” said Boston, with a mixture of acknowledgement and sympathy. “Then maybe you two weren’t brought together by accident.”
         Adainne laughed lightly. “So we can sit around and share our sorrows with each other?”
         “Maybe, maybe not. I’m not a huge believer in fate myself, but no one has ever fell into this cloud before. Usually they’re zapped out of the sky and fall to their death. Then Trellor disappears before he can be caught.”
          “Dinner!” shouted Trellor somewhere underneath them, accompanied by a clanging bell. 
         “This should be interesting,” murmured the cat. “Come on, we better go before he sends the star up here to get us.”
         “Alright,” Adainne agreed, standing up. 
         What she really wanted to do was ask more about Trellor’s lifestyle, but she relented. She was hungry after what her body had been through. 
         The cat shot out of the room but Adainne followed more slowly behind. 
         Over the banister of the stairwell she could see Trellor serving up dinner at the dining table. 
          A plate full of pastel sherbet delights for the star, who hovered over it in a blush shade of pink. 
         Now he put down a plate of cat food for Boston, who immediately stuck his head into the pile of shiny, gelled meat. 
         He then came to the table carrying two plates of something with yellow liquid. 
         “Adainne, stop hovering and get your a*s down here,” he said sharply. 
         She obeyed, grudgingly. 
         As she approached the table, she began to privately dread eating her plate of food. 
         She sat next to Trellor, opposite Boston and the star, and stared at the plate.
         “Uh, Trellor, what is this?”
         “Jelly beans, pitta bread and saffron gravy.” 
          He tore a piece of pitta bread, crammed it full of primary coloured beans, then dipped the lot into the bubbling gravy covering his plate. 
         “Told you,” said the cat, resurfacing from his meal for air. 
          The star was doing cartwheels of joy. 
          Adainne, out of politeness and nothing else, tilted her head forwards to smell the concoction. 
          It smelled like honey. 
         With a myriad of fruity flavours from the jelly beans. 
         Then there was a meaty tang, which probably came from the gravy.
         She felt the colour drain from her face at the thought of eating it. 
         “Er, do you eat like this every night?” asked Adainne, trying stop herself heaving. 
         “I just throw together what ever is quickest and easiest from the cupboards. These are all my favourite things, so why not have them all at the same time?”
         “Yes, why indeed,” agreed Adainne weakly. “You know, I don’t really like er…saffron gravy. Do you mind if I find something else?”
         Trellor munched and sapped loudly, then indicated vaguely over his shoulder. “Go ahead, check in the cupboards.”
         Glad to be released from the table, she went to the cupboards, opening the door to a burst of a dry wood smell. 
         Stock cubes, three bits of penne pasta, and brown sauce. It was a similar story in the other cupboards. 
        “You need to stock up on vegetables, you know,” said Adainne disapprovingly. “You’re a wizard and yet you eat like a…”
         Trellor turned to her, cocking an eyebrow. “Yes?”
        “A five year old,” she said. “I’ll need leeks, onions, green beans and bean sprouts, please. Also, chicken and noodles.”
       “What are you making yourself?”
       “Chicken chow mein.”
       “What’s that?”
        Adainne laughed. "It’s nice. Boston, star, anything else for you?”
        The star whizzed from the table and went to a glass jar full of sherbet stars, pushing a point against it and squeaking. 
        “Alright, I’ll just get you one…”
        “No!” said Trellor sharply from the table.  “She’s already had enough. She’ll be sick.”
        The star looked across to her master, turned pale blue, then drooped her points. 
        Adainne looked at the star and had an idea. 
        As Trellor licked his plate, Adainne grabbed a sweet from the jar. 
        She offered it to the offended creature.
        At first, the star pretended not to notice her. 
        Then, she noticed what Adainne was offering. 
        She squeaked, turned in the air, and took the sweet off Adainne. 
        Then she flew back to the table. 
        Trellor let out a long sigh. “What did I say? Make that her last.”
        “Sorry,” said Adainne, with a satisfied grin at the gleeful star.    
        Trellor finished licking his plate and brought his and Adainne’s over to the kitchen sink. 
        “I didn’t hear a please with that shopping request, by the way.”
         Just as she was relaxing around him, Trellor began to annoy Adainne again. 
         Simply, she just hated that he had the power and she didn’t. 
         “Please can you give me the ingredients for a chow mein?” She fluttered her lashes at him.
         “Ew,” said Trellor, taking three strides back. 
          The ingredients appeared on a surface in front of Adainne. “Needed to make sure you weren’t going to grab my wand.”
          Adainne grimaced. “Again, cleverer than I thought.”
          Trellor grinned. “I want to try, by the way. Make me some too, since we’re dropping the pleases around here.”
          “Alright, you made your point.” Adainne snorted. 
          She concentrated on frying up the vegetables. 
          Ten minutes later, she carried bowls of glossy, plump pieces of chicken and rainbow strips of vegetable to the table. 
          “Looks delicious,” said Trellor, clapping her hard on the back in a congratulatory way. 
          “I hope you have room for it- I slaved over a hot stove for you,” she said, sliding into her seat. 
          Boston had retired to his cat bed under the stairs; the star was tickling his belly - he purred in response. 
          Trellor had his wand out, lighting the candle sconces around the room. 
          Darkness was a falling blanket outside, turning the fantasy fields beyond a rich, fertile dark green. 
          Had she really been there that long already?
         “Better get it before it gets cold,” said Trellor, which was exactly what Adainne was about to say. 
         He plonked himself in the chair and twisted the slender noodles round his fork, stabbing it into his mouth. 
         “Mm, this really is good,” he said, spitting half a red pepper strip across the table. “You know,” he continued after wiping his mouth, “It’s been a long time since someone else cooked for me. Mom always did the cooking, and I never really learned. Mind you, I should have been living on my own by the time I was twenty anyway. But no matter, I’m living on my own now.”
         “Excuuuuuse meeeee,” purred Boston somewhere in the distance. 
         “You know what I mean, silly cat. I haven’t actually talked to another human since the Day of Clouds.” Trellor looked at Adainne, the edge of his thin lips smeared with wet sauce. “You’ll be a fun person to travel with, I can tell. Anyone who cooks me food this good is more than welcome on my ship.”
         “Thanks,” said Adainne, with a shrug. 
          Okay, he was nice. But he was also holding her captive. 
          “Get a room,” muttered the cat in the corner, as the now yellow star floated away from him. 
          “I’m just telling the truth. And I think you’ll find I prefer cupboards. Heh.” He stared at Adainne invasively, then fled with his empty bowl to the sink. 
           “Can’t you two get to bed at least?” groaned Boston. “I can’t sleep if you two are hovering about and being so loud.”
           “After I’ve locked the ship, we’ll go up,” said Trellor, going to the ship wheel. “You can stay here if you want Adainne.”
           “No, I’m tired too,” she agreed, yawning as she transferred her bowl to the sink. “And I hate being all dressed up with nowhere to go. The sooner I get into trackies, the better.”
           “Get into what?” asked Trellor, turning the ship wheel dramatically to the right until it gave a loud click. The ship shuddered for a moment. 
           “Jogging bottoms. Sweat pants.“ She yawned again. “I think I’ll sleep now.”
           “Just hang on a second Adainne,” said Trellor. “I was sort of kidding when I said I’d hold you captive. Next time your boys fly near my airspace, I’ll let down the guards for you. How’s that?”
            Adainne raised her chin. “Well, yeah, thanks. That might not be for a while, though. At least a week.”
            “Oh well, I’m sure I can put up with you for a week. Night.”
            There was something about the sincerity of this sentence that irked Adainne.
            “Yeah, night.”
            “And stay away from cupboards,” Boston put in, giving a meow-yawn. 
            “I’ll try,” she murmured, dragging her lead legs up the wooden stairs. 
            When in her room, she slid into something more agreeable for bed.
            The weight of her fatigue pulled her underneath the thick sheets. 
            She was nearly sleeping. 
            It was dark in the room, but Adainne parted her eyes for a moment to see something fly into the room. 
           The star. 
           She saw its dark silhouette float into her eyeline, then down onto the pillow next to her head. 
           She squinted enough to see the star was still yellow and not red. 
           “Hey, little one,” she said, poking out her finger from the duvet to the star. 
            The star shifted, shook a little, then burst into gold light. 
            It lit up the room in a way a child’s nightlight might - dim but warm. 
            Seeing her outstretched finger, it waddled forward and, with a moment’s hesitation, placed it’s right point onto its tip, and they shook. 
            “I’m glad you’ve stopped attacking me,” she admitted to the star.                     Somehow, the star’s face twisted to make a ‘I don’t know what on Earth you’re talking about’ expression, and it folded its points indignantly.                     Adainne laughed. 
            “Well, your light is making a very nice atmosphere in here. Mind hanging around while I get to sleep?”
            The star twirled and squeaked, which she assumed was a yes. 
            “Okay, thanks. So do you have a name? Or do they just call you ‘star’?”
            The star’s gold light faded to a dark blue, and again her points dropped. 
            “Did I say something wrong? Are you okay?”
             The star shook again, and returned to her happy yellow colour. Adainne blinked in confusion. 
              “Sorry, I won’t ask again. And don’t expect me to keep sneaking you sherbet stars in return for you being nice. I hope we’ve just decided to call it quits at that.” 
               The star’s topmost point wiggled a nod. 
               “Thanks. Don’t worry, you can leave when I’m asleep. But your light is really comforting just now. And I need the comfort just now. It might be months before I ever return home.”
                The star just stared at her. 
                Then it flew over and sat on the top of the wardrobe. 
                Adainne smiled at her, then her eyelids drooped. 
               Adainne was never made aware of this, but as she submitted completely to unconsciousness, the star floated off her perch and hovered just an inch above Adainne’s face, giving her a kiss on her nose. 
               Then, her light faded and she spun out of the room. 


© 2012 Alskar


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Aw jI absolutey love the star and thought if it as creative! Poor Trellor, leaving by himself with no one to talk to but a cat and stuffed toy....Also for some reason the star reminds me of tinkerbell. just because it doesn't talk and it hated Adainne at first. ^^
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Posted 12 Years Ago


The characters are amazing and I love the names you choose for them. You're story is very original and I love the way it's heading . I can't wait to read the next chapter!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 12 Years Ago


Interesting and intriguing like the previous chapter. You have a world here with enormous potential especially with magic to make so much possible. The Nimbus Ship and the personification of both Boston and the Star are nice touches. However I find myself agreeing again with TOF_Matt. More on that later.

The biggest failing of this chapter that no other reviewer has mentioned is the lack of emotion on Adainne's part. As this is in third person limited POV it would make sense that we get to know what shes feeling. Yet the reader is left in the dark on that point. The main character wakes up in a strange place and is confronted by a strange wizard, with no idea whether he is a friend or foe, and yet is strangely calm and collected. There is no hint of tension within her at being unarmed, vulnerable, and practically a captive of a rogue wizard who is most likely the one who attacked her ship in the last chapter. Adainne should be full of emotions such as fear, doubt, anxiety, worry for the others who went on the same mission. Instead she is so cool you'd think she knew it was going to happen. She gives her trust to Trellor almost immediately and completely, something only an extremely naive person would do. I'm under the impression she is fifteen; it wasn't made too clear in the last chapter, but even a fifteen year old would be none too trusting, no matter how good looking Trellor was. Please address this discrepancy. Put yourself in her place and ask yourself how you would react if you were her.

Now to how I agree with TOF.

There aren't enough limitations on the magic for these two. I understand the world they live in is full of wizards and magic is commonplace, but is everyone and their mother a Master? Can we expect every sorcerer encountered to be a spell slinging virtuoso capable of putting the greatest wizards of fiction to shame? Or is it that Adainne and Trellor are prodigies? If so please include hints at this. If not then their ability needs to be toned down. Maybe have them attempt more than once to affect a particular conjuration, such as the dress coming out as a slinky bikini the first time.

Also there needs to be some tension between the two leads, at least on Adainne's part. She seems so nonchalant about the whole situation, like she doesn't care. Again I point out the lack of emotion. If she is just that calm about it all, give us a look into her emotions and reasoning as to why she isn't quietly panicking. Trellor on the other hand is perfect. He is older, but less mature due to his upbringing or lack thereof. Scatter brained is a nice touch, as is his carefree attitude about his guest. He also seems uninterested in the half naked, fifteen year old girl, who is at his mercy, which is either a character flaw that should be removed, or a disinterest that adds to his flavor.

The introductions of Boston and the Star can also be done a bit differently to make them seem more fantastical, but overall I think they are fine the way they are. Again the presentation and clustering of paragraphs can be cleaned up as I stated in my review of the previous chapter. There are also a few SPaG mistakes and missing words in a few sentences but nothing that would make someone want to gouge out there eyes.

I have no idea where TOF got the idea that Trellor is a war wizard from. In truth I am almost positive he is an elusive Time Wizard. One think that caught my attention. At one point, just as Trellor is magicking away her burns, you identify Adainne as Navyheart. What is the significance of that, as it never comes up again in the chapter.

That's all for now. My original opinion stands. This has tremendous potential. I have read your poetry and understand you have a superb grasp of the language and a reading this I know you have a grand imagination. You see things others don't and are able to put them into words so that we CAN see. With some rearrangement and polishing you'll have a great story here. Lastly, it's your book, your story, and your word that is final on anything that goes into or comes out of it. My words are merely suggestions for you to consider.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 12 Years Ago


Love the cat...great so far.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 12 Years Ago


TOF_Matt, your review was very helpful, thanks for taking the time out. I agree with the characters having too much power with the magic. But this response encapsulates a lot of your concerns with this book, and that is that it's not meant to be tense or have restrictions. What I mean is, instead of like other magic books where there's a lot of limits, I wanted a lot more freedom with it, like it's a part of their everyday lives and not something that's amazing. Perhaps there IS still too much, though.
I don't agree with the idea that there should be some up and down or tension between the characters because they've only just met, and Adainne's a bit taken aback by his boisterousness. As you go on, I hope you see the characters aren't as perfect as made out here, although I don't think I went too overboard with making them Mary-Sue characters. I still agree that I reveal too much but, unlike what you said, Trellor is never revealed to be a war wizard because he isn't one. I also agree with the 'old world' thing, perhaps a few more references are needed, but I did explain this was Earth in the introduction ^^

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 12 Years Ago


Like the chapter before, I'd cite your imagination and creativity as the best part of your work. The notion of the Nimbus ship was genuinely intriguing, and the characters of Trellor, the cat, and the star sort of remind me of the character archetype of Howl and his small posse from Howl's Moving Castle. You're certainly wide open from here, so there's a lot of places you can take this, although at this point I kind of wish we had some sense of what the goal of these characters is (you had a good one in him having to take her back to the city, but the relegated that to an impossibility).

In terms of critique, it's pretty much what I told you last time. I think you reveal a little too much too early. The plot point concerning Trellor's parents is a meaty one, and I would build the mystery of who he is throughout the book, then maybe drop the "he used to be a war wizard too" bomb much later in the book, when it means something to us. As it stands now, giving us that plot point is very flat.

Actually speaking of, I found the story progression a little flat. Everything here is a little too perfect. There's no moments where the tension dips, then rises - everything sort of happens on an even keel. Similarly, the character interaction seems a little too perfect, especially for something that is fashioned after anime, which is usually exaggeratedly whimsical. Trellor seems like a bit of a scatter-brain, so you figure that would create some friction with Adainne would it not? Right now their exchanges are too calm, too collected. There's no flaws so it feels sorta like the high-society polite talk you see amongst high-society members in movies.

Also, the magic mechanic is similarly a little too shallow for me right now. What are the limitations? Characters who can perfectly conjure anything they want whenever they want are too powerful. I think you'll be shooting yourself in the foot later because when there's a moment of genuine crisis, the reader's just going to think "well why didn't she just conjure ______?" Maybe you need to show that Adainne is not the perfect wizard/witch yet, and that she can make mistakes (maybe she conjures dish soap instead of shampoo or something). The characters, as they are now, are too good at what they do to be very interesting. They need flaws.

The final suggestion I'll make regarding the flatness, is try to change up the scenes and tone. I found that too much of this was just back-and-forth conversation. Adainne, Trellor, Adainne, Trellor, Adainne, Star, Trellor, Adainne, cat, Trellor. If you write it out like that, you can kind of see the problem. One thing I thought that might be very anime-ish, is if Adainne say, went to the bathroom to change, tried to turn on the night light but it turned out to be the Star and went ballistic. Adainne, shocked and scared out of her mind, bursts out of the bathroom only to come face-to-face with the cat who nonchalantly asks her "if she's done in there yet, because she's gotta pee." This is just a suggestion mind you, but I do think your more fantastical character deserve more fantastical introductions than just straight "here, meet x."

As a final bit of consistency housekeeping, I'm a little unsure about whether this takes place on another world, or on Earth but a thousand years in the future. If it's the former, you probably want to avoid referring to very Earth-specific concepts such as "chowmein" and expressions like "down-to-earth." If it's the latter, then maybe we need just a bit of a tease of someone referring to the "old world" so that we know where we are.

Anyway, there's a lot of potential here, I think you just need to reorganize the presentation.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 12 Years Ago


Trellor sounds hot and the star is cute!

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This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 12 Years Ago


This is well written chapter, but you might want to revise it . There are all grammar errors. I like Adainne and Trellor seems nice too. I not so sure about the talking and star. I still like the chapter though.

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This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 12 Years Ago


i really enjoyed this chapter,
the talking cat, and the talking star, they really make me laugh.
Trellor is deffenatly an interesting character, and i don't know if i like him or not i really enjoyed this chapter onto the next.
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This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 12 Years Ago



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Alskar
Alskar

Edinburgh, United Kingdom



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