Afterworld

Afterworld

A Story by Alskar


  “It’s time for me to go.”


  With her back turned to him, the words rippled across the stair, resting in her ears. 
  Silence followed, hollow in the space between them, held in the lightly swirling air. No steps were heard behind her, nor were steps heard behind him - his back, too, was turned from her.
  Star-blonde hair fluttered around her, and she stared at it. Looking up, then over the stair’s low wall, the others were playing a game. 
  Water welled where it never had before - in her amaranth eyes.
  Words would not follow.
  Sparkling on her face was her true response. Held weakly below her waist were her hands, clasped tightly and beginning to shake. Still their backs were turned.
  “You’re going to die,” came the fragmented response, shook out hard from her mouth like poison.
  As she waited for his words, she saw the reddening sun. Low, going down, cracking into her eyes and letting more water flow. 
  Two steps. Hair hung over both their eyes. A hand alighted on her shoulder, and a must warmth was created behind her.
  The waves of her hair swung as she twirled round. 
  His tears were raindrops on a daffodil - falling on a smile. She was surprised to see it.
  “But we had fun, didn’t we?” he said, taking both her hands and gazing at them. 
  Blinking in confusion, she too stared at their hands. Like a baby breaking into its first breath of life, she felt happiness. 
  She closed her eyes, cried, and smiled as well.
  “You bet. We had loads of fun, silly.”
  His eyes were closed now, too.
  “The Afterworld is waiting,” he whispered, and they both opened their eyes. “I can feel my body beginning to go now.”
  “You’ll disappear.”
  “Yes.”
  She turned from him again. 
  “Then I’d better tell you this, because you’ll never get the chance to hear it again, and it’s something I’ve been meaning to say for a while.
  I’m grateful to you. Without you, and your help, I could have never become who I am now. I was always so scared to be with someone again - I was so afraid, and I couldn’t even be alone with a person without being so, so scared. 
  But you changed that, and in doing that you gave me a reason to live again. I didn’t have to worry, because you gave me the confidence. Eventually you didn’t even have to be around for me to be okay.
  But…it was only you I ever wanted around. 
  You helped me in a way no one else was able to. I feel free again. 
  And - I love you.”
  Turning back, she was met with air. Warmth had disappeared, and so had he.
  The shriek made the world choke.
  And weeping glass stars, she collapsed.
  

© 2012 Alskar



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Featured Review

It was kinda hard to follow, but I'm guessing that's only because I don't know the background and whatnot. You did a good job at not making the dialogue at the end awkward, even though it had a lot of potential to be. Speaking of which, when someone's saying something and the quote is separated into paragraphs, you're supposed to start each consequent paragraph beginning with an open quote so readers will know that the character is still speaking.

Aaand since this is already long and why not make it longer, the emotional depth was fantastic. Okay. I'm done now. Promise.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

I agree with Bro-est, the beginning was sort of hard for me to follow but once the hands collapsed together part came up, it sorted itself out. It's a very frightening feeling that the person who can change our life can just disappear in a blink of an eye. The meaning is powerful in this piece.

Posted 4 Years Ago


The descriptive sentences are a bit choppy, but it seems intentional and in my opinion better shows what it feels like to be the character in a time of sadness and distress. It was a little vague and confusing, but the emotions were really well portrayed and I think it has the potential to have a background and a future.

Posted 4 Years Ago


very explicative,i wish there was more though,..

Posted 5 Years Ago


It was kinda hard to follow, but I'm guessing that's only because I don't know the background and whatnot. You did a good job at not making the dialogue at the end awkward, even though it had a lot of potential to be. Speaking of which, when someone's saying something and the quote is separated into paragraphs, you're supposed to start each consequent paragraph beginning with an open quote so readers will know that the character is still speaking.

Aaand since this is already long and why not make it longer, the emotional depth was fantastic. Okay. I'm done now. Promise.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Because I've read Nimbus, I feel like this is Trellor who is fading away. And that makes the moment sadder. When I first started reading this, I thought I was reading the last chapter of the original version of Nimbus. Then I read more and I realized it's different.

Still, nice description. Amaranth eyes was probably my favorite.

Posted 5 Years Ago


I can't find the words to do it justice. My ONLY critique is to try and space it out a little bit. I had a little difficulty reading it(or my eyes are already going bad at age 24 haha) But still, excellent job.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Interesting piece. Well constructed. Progressive use of language. My only critique is there's nothing to compel the reader to invest in the character's grief. It is beautifully drawn but without any explanation it doesn't draw one in.

Posted 5 Years Ago


At first i thought you were layering the descriptions down a little too vague and poetic like, but the story is intriguing, and I wish it could've been exstended.

Posted 5 Years Ago


i like the unconventional descriptions used..a little short...but complete.

Posted 5 Years Ago


This is a good story built on confusion, poetic flow, and some excellent details. Wow.

Posted 5 Years Ago



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Added on May 11, 2012
Last Updated on June 13, 2012

Author

Alskar
Alskar

Edinburgh, United Kingdom



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