Withered

A response to a Shakespearean sonnet from Junior year of High School.

Foolish is this man’s bleeding and blind heart

To think that your emotions could sway mine

Long has this bored soul begun to break part

That my feelings would stay, unlike the time

Long has your ignored reason left you pained

Giving you no form of escape to peace

So now your soul grows wicked and tainted

A screaming madness that shall not soon cease

But never did I hate more than feel ill

That your feelings would not go otherwise

The experiences you could have still

To make up for your pitiful cries

            Too long have I watched with shame and despair

            Now I send you off alone, without care

Author's Note

Comment as you please.

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

I always enjoyed sonnets as an exercise of the mind... when writing is involved... of course... you begin this with:

Foolish is this man’s bleeding and blind heart
Foolish is this man’s blind heart and bleeding...

One must know he has a blind heart in order to bleed... just a change in wording gives this more depth...
But this is just my opinion... you can do whatever... this is your write...

Your rhyme scheme is ditto... Liked how you structured this line:

Long has this bored soul begun to break part

Goes with the first line I mentioned... I can see the thought process resembles... with the breakdown of word...

bleeding blind
bored begun break

They present the opening...

The second line could be adjusted:

To think that your emotions could sway mine
Think that your emotions could have sway mine...

The 4th line goes, but seems amiss:

That my feelings would stay, unlike the time
My feelings would stay, unlike these sometimes...

The fifth line is good... but:

Long has your ignored reason left you pained
Long had you ignored reason left much pained...

Grab a bit more emotion...

The rest of the sonnet fits in order... and the end clearly gives to reader... Good day!

[Sukriti Suki]

I like this..some very beautiful lines in there...deep...good one.