Last Sound (Revised)

I wrote this poem, and have now attempted to add details to it. :)

Thick crimson blood draining from right below my diaphragm 

A thundering, excruciating, tormenting, pounding in my temple

My knees crashing against the floor

Sending a wave that burns along the inner rim of my knee cap

My whole body shaking, and twitching

Tsunamis of lightning agony 

Spreading throughout my body

Covered in a dark, red sheet of blood

My eyes blurring, and burning with tears

The knife still lodged in my side

I can feel the ridges of the blade tearing through my flesh

My daughter standing a few feet away

Starring with big innocent blue eyes

Not understanding

This image will haunt her for the rest of her life

Her mother dying before her eyes

I try to speak

But my voice is trapped somewhere in my misery 

There's blood clogging in my throat, searing the edges

Like I'm suffocating on death itself

And everything is beginning to fade away 

into a layer of the subconscious 

I try to hold on

But forces unknown won't let me

Somewhere someone is screaming

But even that begins to grow dull and silent

The last sound I hear...

Muffled in the background...

... "Mommy...?"

...but it's too late.

Author's Note

The original of this is still published, but I tried adding some details to it. I don't know if I did well or not though /:

Reviews

[Sujash I. Purna]

Great write

[Olivia Marie]

thank you :)

[Owlgirl]

Great job! Excellent revisions :)

[Olivia Marie]

thank you for the help :)

[Laura Maidah]

"This image will haunt her for the rest of her life" is very juvenile. If you're going to delve into the psyche, as you did in this line:"into a layer of the subconscious" do it completely or not at all. Do the research. It'll be worth the efforts. Otherwise, it doesn't even count as internet psychobabble.

[Olivia Marie]

What's internet psychobabble?

[Laura Maidah]

Lol. It's like rudimentary cyberspace psychological references. Nothing involving profundities, like lacking psycho-sagacities.

[Celestial Witch Child]

I find myself unsure of what to think of this... I really want to like it but it all seems so strange.

[Olivia Marie]

Strange in what way? :)

[Celestial Witch Child]

I'm not quite sure what it was-- something I couldn't put my finger on. Reading through it a second time, I find that this is quickly growing on me.

[Olivia Marie]

Haha ok, Sometimes I find that I write awkwardly, however I don't know how to fix it. Thank you.

[♪The Girl Next Do..]

Muuuuch better! A lot more detail I noticed, and you cut out a few unnecessary parts. Excellent!

[Olivia Marie]

Thank you :)

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Not a problem :)