A victim of infidelity

He had a warm soul,
Opened for the touch of a soft palm,
Not aware of the word harm,
A total novice to the system,
A juvenile lacking awareness of infidelity's existence,
So he chose to love,
An adventure from above,
Embarking on it wholeheartedly,
A storm came,
His heart felt a sharp pain,
His fragile soul never remained the same,
He wept not knowing why it had to be,
This cruel world was something he had to see,
His consciousness became depressed,
His brain felt the stress,
He was hunted by his own shadow,
His heart still bleeding from the piercing of his spouse's arrow,
In isolation he became ill,
Now knowing how hurt feels,
Sadly he succumbed to the pills,
Giving up on fighting back,
Taking his own life with his hands.

Author's Note

Your opinion matters...

Reviews

[JayG]

First: Jazz it up! Don't talk the reader. Use vivid, evocative language. Make them say, "Damn, I wish I could say it like that.

"His heart felt a sharp pain,"

He killed himself for a sharp pain? Really? Would you become an addict and kill yourself for that? Hell no.

Speak of devastation, of sundered dreams, dying hope, and more. Use all the tricks of language to do more then explain what happened. Use your words for emotional, not informational effect. Make your reader CARE. Make your reader shout, "No!" The last thing you want is the have a reader say, "Aww...poor baby."

Next: If you're going to rhyme, do so, predictably, consistently, and with prosody. "System" and "existence" don't rhyme, but by the flow you've maintained to that point, should.

And never, never, never make the line bend to the needs of the rhyme, like "An adventure from above," because you needed a rhyme for "love."

Here's the thing. Structured poetry, which is what you're trying for here, has been under development for centuries, in every language. And what works and doesn't is often a function of language and how it's spoken. Poetry in French, for example is different because the rhythms of French speech are very different from English or Hebrew, etc. So the first thing we need to do is know the tricks of poetry enforced by both the medium and the chosen language.

They're not obvious till pointed out. But then, you'll wonder why you didn't see it for yourself, because they suddenly become obvious.

It's not that you're doing something wrong, a matter of talent, or even good/bad poetry. It's that you're missing some critical information, and it's making the job a lot harder.

I would strongly suggest you read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. That alone, will give you a good part of what you need.

Sorry my news wasn't better. Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Olumegbon]

A lot has been learnt from your review and I really do appreciate , thanks once again

[Tanya Y.]

So deep. I love this! Great job.

[oluwatoosinfunmi]

Wow ... this is actually beautiful nd sad. Too many people give up because of the pain out there

[micky]

I like this piece...it's raw and the flow is great,this story in this itself is so tragic but I like that

[Avinash]

He should have given life a second chance but the poem is brilliant.

[Dara]

Your poem was so very touching and full of deep emotion. To feel the sting of betrayal from a spouse is painful beyond measure. A sad tale but unfortunately happens all too often. Thank you for sharing.

[Olumegbon]

Thanks a lot for the review, I appreciate

[Coyote Poetry]

Some sadness can overtake us. You told a sad story with a very sad ending. Pain taught will be pain learned. Thank you Olumegbon for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Olumegbon]

Thanks a lot for the review

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome my friend.

[wordman]

so in a since he died from a broken heart