He lay there thinking of his life, all the wrong turns he had made, and the mess he now found himself in. Thoughts traveled to his three boys, and the ex-wife that he had so easily thrown away years ago. The strained relationship between himself and his Father, or rather the man he had grown to know as his Father. The Mother he had pushed away time and time again, knowing that she loved him, but holding on to his anger like it was a torch that lit his way. Only, the light he followed led him more and more into the darkness. Now he was once again fading into the surrounding darkness.
A light touched him in the enveloping darkness. Thoughts of her. She had been his “white light” for years, his angel, and best friend.
They had met in the oddest way, she was working behind the counter of a local all night diner, he had stopped in for a cup of coffee to warm him up after working a double shift at the lumber yard. Some would not have seen her as a great beauty, she was curvy, and somewhat overweight, but when she smiled she lit up the entire room. She saw him enter the diner, and as if reading his mind she not only brought over a cup of hot coffee, but also a bowl of homemade vegetable soup.
“Here, you look as if you need this.” was all she said as she set the food in front of him.
“I can’t pay for this!” he tried to argue.
She just turned and walked away, mumbling under her breath. “If I asked you if you could pay , it would have been different! I just said; you looked as if you needed it.”
She was still shaking her head as she walked around the counter.
Thomas just put his head down and started eating. This was his first meal of the day, he had left home earlier that day in such a hurry to get at work on time that he did not pack his lunch, nor did he stop for breakfast. He was famished, and this was the best bowl of soup he had ever had. When he finished his soup he sat back in his chair sipping his coffee and watching the woman as she greeted customers and filled their orders.
She had such a wonderful way of talking to the people, as if they had known each other for years. She would make them laugh, and listen to all their long winded stories. Thomas sat there and watched intently, more and more intrigued by this stranger. He wondered where she was from, with her southern accent and comforting ways. She had not come back to his table the entire time he was eating, and only returned once to fill his coffee cup. She had never made him feel uncomfortable, so he stayed and watched.
Time passed and she was busy with another customer so he started gathering his things, still wondering what he was going to do about paying for the meal. She must have seen him fighting with his things because she walked over to his table and laid the bill folded on the table, and walked away again. When he opened the paper a folded fifty dollar bill fell out onto his lap. One the bill in the most beautiful handwriting he had ever seen was: “ Pay me back at the end of the week!” He was frozen, his hand shaking, here was a perfect stranger, lending him money, and by no means a small amount of money.
His pride wanted him to walk away from the diner leaving the money and the check unpaid, but necessity made him change his mind, he could use the money to make it the rest of the week, and know that he would not loose his job because he could not afford to get there. He stood up, walked to the counter, and paid for his coffee and soup. She never blinked, took the money, gave him the change, “You have a good night!”
He walked out of the diner, and walked the four miles to his house, the entire time thinking of the girl in the diner. He was thinking of her now, as he lay on the floor, the pain in his chest becoming unbearable. The darkness once again swallowing him whole, thought of her eased the pain. Once again he followed her light to the memories of the time they shared.
He had worked the entire week, overtime, and double shifts, the entire time thinking of payday and paying the waitress back. He did not even know her name. Her bright smile making his week fly by. Friday came, and he walked into the diner, with more confidence, and a better disposition. He walked up to the counter, grabbed her hand and slipped the folded fifty into her hand. “Thank you!” was all he could get out before his voice broke slightly. This woman, not knowing him, had given him hope. Hope that he desperately needed to make it through another week.
He sat in the booth, and waited for her to come over to the table before he spoke to her again. “I’m Thomas, what is your name?” The shining smile she gave him was brilliant, “Hi, Thomas. My name is Susan.” He knew he had been given a gift, meeting Susan. They talked through her entire shift at work, she would walk by and fill his coffee cup without thinking, and continue the conversation they were having. He watched her as she made everyone who walked into the diner feel as if they were walking into a friends kitchen. He was amazed as the customers seemed to walk out of the diner with a spring in their step, and a smile on their faces.
Days passed, every day after work he would stop in for coffee, and talk to Susan. She became the highlight of his day. Sitting in the diner, talking to her, and watching her. Normally he would have been back at his house drowning his thoughts with bourbon, since she had come into his life he had not even drank a beer when he returned to his house. He saw the future as golden when he told her of his dreams. He became intoxicated by her kindness, and personality.
It seemed a natural step to ask her out on a date. They drove the forty-five minutes talking and laughing the entire way to the night club. She looked lovely in her black slacks and pink shirt. Thomas had wanted the night to be perfect for her, but old habits are sometimes hard to break, and Thomas started drinking as soon as they entered the night club. Susan did not drink, and Thomas could not stop drinking. He became drunk, and started hitting on the slim blonde girl at the end of the bar. Susan never said anything, did not show her disappointment she just got up from the table she had been sitting at, and walked out.
Thomas, drunk and not in his right mind went home with the blonde that night, and stayed with her the entire weekend, in a drunken stupor he did not think of Susan once. Monday morning his head pounding, his body aching from no sleep, his mind was blurry with the details of how Susan had left. As the fog of alcohol lifted from his thoughts he started seeing images of Susan leaving him in the bar. The images melted together with images of his kissing the blonde in front of Susan. Oh, what had he done? He had wanted to take Susan out, show her a good time, and he had ended up showing her what an A*s he could be.
The hardness of the floor seeped into his thoughts and the tightness in his chest was not caused by the attack he was having, rather the memory of hurting Susan. His mind scrambled to find the good memories of the time he had with Susan, knowing that her happiness would ease his pain. His mind skipped months, time flew by in his thoughts until settling on the memory he would float back into.
Thomas had made amends to Susan for that night in the bar, days after it happened. They became friends, and in time they were lovers. The relationship had taken on the “Friend’s with benefits” title, Thomas was pleased with that. Susan never pushed for more. He would tell her over and over again, “I won’t fall in Love with you.” Susan, never once asked for his Love. He knew in the back of his mind that she loved him. He also knew that he was using her. Most of the time he was using her for her money, her car, and often her body. Why question it, she was alright with it wasn’t she?
Then his mind took him to the night he realized that he had been in love with her. Susan continued to work in the diner, and in time the relationship with Thomas had cooled to just passing phone conversations. Susan had met someone else, and in time started building a life with this new man. Within the year she was living with Robert. Thomas had moved on as well and had relocated seventy-five minutes away from where Susan lived. Their lives had adjusted without the friendship, and time as well as distance separated them.
Christmas Eve Thomas received a phone call from Susan’s family. Odd, they had never liked him, why would they be calling now? “Thomas, you have to talk to Susan, Robert has left her, she is in a bad way. We are afraid she might hurt herself, and she won’t answer her phone for us.” Thomas could feel the air escaping his body, just the mere thought of Susan in pain was enough to take his breath.
He dialed the numbers with shaky hands, fearing what he would hear on the other end of the line. “Hiya Baby, How are you doing?” Susan’s voice was so small, cracked, she answered him back. “Thomas” and she let the tears fall, sobbing uncontrollably into the phone. Thomas was filled her pain, he stood there listening to her sobs over the telephone, and wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms.
Thomas packed quickly, and called the taxi company. He was standing on his front stoop waiting for the taxi cab, pacing back and forth, worried about Susan. The ride in the taxi took forever, he cussed at himself for loosing his drivers license years before driving drunk, now he was sitting in a cab, wanting desperately to go faster, and reach Susan’s house. Finally they reached her drive.
Thomas was out of the car before it stopped, running to Susan’s door. “Hey buddy, what about your bag?” Thomas just turned and looked at him, he had not even paid the driver. Throwing a wad of bills in his hand he grabbed his bag and once again raced to Susan’s door. Susan met him at the door and collapsed into his arms. They stayed there in her hallway, he cradled her in his arms and let her cry until she was empty of tears. She finally was able to talk, and through her broken sobs he listened to her heart break. Robert had left her for another woman just days before. Thomas was filled with an anger like he had never known before, he wanted to wring Robert’s neck for causing Susan so much pain.
Thomas stayed with her that night, holding her in his arms while she slept. Dozing off, he woke every time she would cry out in her sleep. Morning dawned brightly. Susan was sitting in the bed looking down at Thomas, a small smile was on her lips. “My knight”, she leaned over and kissed him. They both got out of bed, taking off their wrinkled clothing of the day before, and showered together. She looked so small to him, standing in the shower, the water spraying over their naked bodies. Washing away the tears she still shed. Not talking, just comforting Susan with his touch, washing her body, kissing her neck, her face, and whispering words of comfort to her. When the water turned cold they got out of the shower and dressed.
Dressed and still damp from the shower, Susan started cooking breakfast for the two of them. The conversation was somewhat strained with her embarrassment of Thomas seeing her in such a weakened state. Thomas could see she was becoming uncomfortable by her embarrassment. He stood up, wrapping his arms around her waist and placing his chin upon her shoulder. As he squeezed tightly, he whispered in her ear, “I will be here as long as you need me!” With that he let go, and sat back down.
Thomas made phone calls after breakfast, letting his employer know he would not be in to work, and that he needed to take a few personal days. He then called his family and let them know that he would be staying at Susan’s house for a few days. His final phone call was to Susan’s family, “I am here with Susan. She is fine, and I will stay with her here for a while.”
They spent the day together, he would not let her out of his sight. They talked about how their lives had been over the last few months, skirting around the topic of the failed relationship with Robert. They laughed at some of the stupid things they had done together. Told each other stories of the stupid things that they had done in their separate lives. Laughter filled the house, as they fell into an easy banter with each other. It was like time had stood still with their friendship and they had not been apart at all.
The next day Susan had to return to work at the diner. She was apprehensive over going back to work, she had not stepped into the diner since the day Robert had stopped by to tell her he was moving out. When it was time to leave Thomas walked her to her car, kissing her deeply “I will be here when you get home.”
Thomas watched her drive away, standing in the doorway until her small car was out of sight. He looked back into the house and went to work. He started in the hallway, cleaning, moving furniture, dusting, sweeping the floor, then on to the living room. He had worked the entire afternoon cleaning her house. Knowing that Susan had been depressed and had not cleaned in days. He scrubbed the floors, vacuumed the couches, under the beds. Thomas hated cleaning, but something about cleaning the house for Susan made it pleasant, almost fun.
Thomas looked at the clock, he still had two hours before Susan would be home from work. How she could work the afternoon shift and still get everything done was a puzzle to him. But here it was nine o’clock and he still had two hours to kill. He soon realized that he had been cleaning non stop, his stomach was speaking to him. He looked in the freezer and found two t-bone steaks. “Hmmm, I wonder what else I could rustle up for dinner?” he chattered to himself, finding fresh mushrooms in the crisper, all the ingredients to make a fresh salad. He turned the stereo on to his favorite Country Music station and began preparing dinner for himself and Susan when he returned home from work.
It would take a little time for the steak to thaw, he made the salad, baked the potatoes and sliced the mushrooms to sauté in butter. Not finding any salad dressing he opened the cabinets and found the spices to add to the oil and vinegar. The bottle of oil did not want to corporate and fell over splashing his pants and pouring onto his shoes. “S**t!” now what, his other clothes were in the washer, and this was his last clean pair of jeans. He would be damned if he was going to wear any of Roberts clothes.
Thomas jumped into the shower, washing the salad oil off. Wrapped in a towel he started looking through Susan’s dresser to find a t-shirt or anything. Not finding anything he would be caught dead in, he pulled out the bright red apron with the diner’s logo on the front of it. Susan had been wearing the same type of apron when she went to work earlier that day.
Glancing at the clock on the bed stand, he only had twenty minutes now. She would be home soon. So he wrapped the apron around his waist and ran into the kitchen to finish dinner. Thank god for that apron as the steaks started sizzling in the pan. He would have hated it if the hot grease had splattered on his naked skin. Thomas was singing along with the Travis Tritt song that was belting out of the stereo when he saw Susan’s car lights coming up the drive way.
With nothing more than a smile and a red polyester apron Thomas opened the door to Susan. “Welcome home, Baby.” Susan walked into the hallway and noticed right away that the floor had been scrubbed. She walked through the house looking at all the rooms cleaned, the sparkle back in her eyes somewhat. Hearing the music playing, and noticing Thomas’s bare a*s peeping out of the back of the apron, Susan could only wait to see what was in store for her next.
The lights were dimmed in the dining room, on the table were two white tapered candles. The flames of the candles cast dancing shadows across the walls, in time with the music still playing through out the house. Thomas gently placed his hand on the small of her back and pulled her towards him. “Dance with me” the soft growl seemed to come from his heart. They stood beside the dining table and danced together, her head on his shoulder. He could feel her warm tears rolling down his shoulder. This time he knew they were tears of happiness.
They ate their dinner, chattering away like two lovebirds, laughing and enjoying each others company. With dinner finished they moved into the living room with their glasses of iced tea. They turned off the music, and put in a movie to watch. Thomas did not want the evening to end, even if Susan had worked all afternoon, he wanted to keep her close to him. It came to him then, as they sit there on the couch, watching television, He loved her. He not only loved her as a friend, he had found himself in love with her. When did that happen?
Thomas took her to bed that night, and for the first time in their relationship, he took the pleasure of satisfying her in every way possible. She lay trembling in his arms afterwards, Thomas could only smile in the darkness. He had so much to think about. He knew he loved her, but where to go next, he knew she was not ready to make a commitment to him, so close to loosing Robert. She had to be sure her heart was whole before he would even bring up a lasting relationship between the two of them. Thomas slept so well that night, a comforting sleep he had not experienced since that night.
The morning after had not been the start of the new life that Thomas had wanted. Robert called before the couple was out of bed. Susan was confused with her feelings. After talking with Thomas, and talking again with Robert, Susan decided to drive down south and stay with friends. She needed the time to clear her head. Thomas did not say anything as she packed, yet he knew she would not be back. Susan left that day, and called a week later to tell him she would not be back. Thomas was still staying in her house, living with the shadows of their special night together. He received the deed to the house a few days after she told him she would not be back.
Thomas lived in the house for a year, living with the regrets of never telling Susan that he was in love with her. Time passed and Thomas reverted back to his old ways, using women, drinking, parties all the time. Two years had passed from that day he watched Susan drive off. He had lost the house in his drunken idiocy. Quit working, and drinking heavily, he sold it to an acquaintance for five thousand dollars and a bus ticket to the coast. Thomas settled into a job working on a shrimp boat. His days were filled with water, and shrimp, his nights filled with whisky and beer until he passed out. He knew he would not live long this way.
Thomas moved slightly trying to pull himself up from the floor, but the pain in his chest and arm was unbearable. Even the thoughts of Susan were not helping to fight back the tightness in his chest. Years of hard living, and heavy drinking had taken its toll and weakened his heart. He was dying. He could not call for help, nor did he want to. The radio crackled in the distance, playing Travis Tritt’s “Help Me Hold On” His life was wasted, he could not fix any of the damage he had caused. He reached up on to the coffee table and found the colorful piece of card stock he was looking for. It had come in a letter earlier that day. A letter from Susan.
Dear Thomas,
I know it has been a few years since we last spoke. I also know that you have moved on with your life, as have I. I just wanted to write to you, and tell you of a very special person in my life. His name is Tommy, and he is a handsome young man.
Tommy came into my life because of you, and for that I thank you. I left you that day with all intentions of returning to you, things were not in my control. I found out within the first two weeks of my departure that I was expecting a new life.
I knew you would never believe that the child belonged to you. Especially since I had not been long separated from Robert. But you see, Robert had never wanted children, and at eighteen he had had a vasectomy. You are the father, and it is time that you met your son.
Tommy is a bright child, I guess you could say he takes after me. I see you in his eyes, and know that if you met him you would fall in love with him, as I have from the first moment he was in my arms. I love him more everyday, and for giving him to me, I love you more everyday.
He is a stubborn child, headstrong, and sometimes cheeky. I guess you could say he takes after you in that. He is ours.
I know this is out of the blue, and somewhat of a shock to you, but after talking to your mother, I have decided to drive down to the coast for Christmas. Tommy should know you, as well as his half brothers. I don’t want anything other than a few moments of your time.
Please consider it!
Know that you have been in my heart all these years, and with Tommy, you have been in my arms as well.
Always,
Susan.
Thomas looked into the eyes of the child in the photograph. He could see the light Susan had carried in her smile. Tommy was a beautiful child, with a beautiful mother. Thomas was just sorry that he had not made more of his life. He had nothing but those stolen moments of light with Susan to offer the boy.
Susan got the phone call on December 17. It was Thomas’s Mother. She knew in her heart what Mrs. Beech had to say before the cracked words were uttered. Thomas had died alone, it appeared to be natural causes. “He went quickly“, from what the paramedics said. The police had been called to the scene in case of foul play. They said in their reports it looked as if he was napping, he had a smile on his face, and a picture of a child in his hand.
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